To Hell and Back
by TC591
Summary: Destiel Slight AU. Dean's back from Hell and he's fine, he has to be and he's been telling them all that for years. But when he goes to bed at night he's not fine and nobody knows it. Until one day, Castiel drops in while Dean's asleep. So while the show must go on, and the boys must keep fighting, Sam wasn't the only one wrestling Hell in his head. NO COPYRIGHT INTENDED.
1. Chapter 1

_That door opened again, that door again and Dean almost retched... Again._

_"Morning." That voice sang again, that voice again and Dean did retch... Again. "Still?" He drawled as he walked into the... would it be called a 'room'? Dean looked up to his face. Still the same. He had blood stains on his skin. "I thought we had started to bond." He leaned into Dean's face. "I think you know what I'm going to ask you," he smiled, "don't you, Dean?"_

_He just stared at Dean and he felt so many eyes on him. So many it made him crawl and jump._

Jump right out of his sleep. He turned to look at Castiel sitting in the corner of the room staring at him, his hands clasped in front of him as he leaned his elbows on his knees.

"Cas," Dean looked away annoyed, "you scared the Hell out of me." Dean ignored the truth of what he had just said.

"Hello Dean, I apologise for startling you out of your sleep. It was not my intention."

Dean rubbed his face and sat up, still in his clothes, to look at the time. It was eleven at night. "What are you doing here, anyway?"

"Where's Sam?" Cas hadn't moved, he was looking at his hands as he rubbed them together slightly.

"I don't know, he went to a bar earlier, he probably hooked up." Cas nooded. "What's wrong?" Dean stood and turned towards him.

Castiel thought about asking Dean about it, about the mumbling and the crying but as Dean walked into the bathroom and waited until he turned his back to wipe his eyes Cas decided not to. "I, uh, I was feeling..." Cas paused and tried to think of the word as Dean appeared back in the doorway looking at him. "I just needed a friend."

"At this time? What for?" Dean leaned against the frame looking at Cas.

Cas leaned back and exhaled. "I don't know."

Dean stared at him for a few minutes before he sighed. Only one thing for it. "Give me a second to wash up and we'll go for a drink."

Cas nodded and Dean turned around back into the bathroom. When he looked in the mirror he could see him staring back at him. Smiling. Dean opened the door to the medicine cabinet just to face him away.

.

Dean washed up and they headed a couple of blocks over to a bar. They walked in, it was quite like the roadhouse but a little busier than Dean had even seen Ellen's place. Ellen and Jo popped into Dean's head and he closed his eyes inhaling as he sat down at the bar. He came back to himself when Cas sat down next to him and he gestured to the barman for two whiskeys.

A few sips in Dean spoke. "So, what's the deal, Cas?" He turned his head to the former angel.

Cas tipped the glass this way and that watching the liquid swirl, not sure he wanted to drink it. "Not sure."

"Just feeling rubbish?" Cas nodded and Dean lifted the glass, pausing with it just before his lips to talk. "Tell me about it." He downed it.

"Well, I just feel so unhappy and..." Dean turned his head after he put the glass down, he hadn't meant it literally but, as usual, Cas had took it that way, "heavy."

"Life'll do that to you." Cas looked up. "Especially yours."

Cas laughed through his nose and looked back to his glass. "Yes."

"What?" Dean gestured for two more to the barman.

"It's just funny that you would say that," the barman walked over, "having been through what you have."

They nodded to the man as he walked away. "Me and Sam get through."

"I didn't mean what the Winchester's have been through, I meant you." Cas downed his glass and no more was said about it that night. They just kept on drinking.

.

"Well, I have to say buddy," Dean had his right arm across Cas' back holding him up as they walked back to the motel, "for not having much practice, you can hold your drink."

Cas laughed, his right arm around Dean's shoulder tightened pulling Dean a little closer, "I still don't understand that expression. Of course I can hold what I drink, until I drink it and then my body holds it until I have to urin-" The end of that word came out in a burp and Dean laughed. "Urinate. I meant to say urinate but then I released gas. I apologise."

"S'alright." They laughed and stumbled until they got to the motel room. "Lean against here just now." Dean tried to get Cas to lean against the wall while he fetched the key but Cas stumbled and Dean kept a hold of him. "Right hold on." Dean tried to figure out how he was going to get it without letting Cas fall flat on his face. "Dammit." He knew there was only one way.

He backed Cas against the wall and Cas' eyes opened when his back bumped against it. "What, what are you doing?" Cas' right arm had been around Dean's shoulder but Dean was now using his right hand to hold Cas up so Cas was just holding onto the back of Deans neck.

"Just trying to get the key and stop you falling over at the same time." Dean's left hand wriggled from behind Cas to his side and snaked around his own back to his pocket. Dean's hand was awkwardly fishing for the key when Cas fell forward trying to talk and Dean had to use his shoulders and hips to pin Cas up since he couldn't free his hand. They both paused, looking at each other. "You alright?" Dean looked at him, Cas just nodded not saying anything. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." Cas swallowed, finding it hard to breathe. "The alcohol has uh," he closed his eyes, "gone to my head."

Dean got the key and showed him it. "Got it, come on." He wrapped his left arm around Cas and pulled him off the wall to unlock the door.

.

_"Now, come on, Dean." He walked around Dean with one of the knifes he was using this time. "How can I enjoy it if you don't," he put his lips to Dean's ear, "scream?" _

_"Bite me." He whispered._

_Alistair gave out a little chuckle. Even after this long Dean hated everything he did; the way his mouth hardly moved when he spoke in such a calm and low tone that it might have put you to sleep if he wasn't slicing into you and laughing after it while the blood ran to the ground. One week, one year, ten; it didn't matter how long it had been. Dean held out as long as he could before he would scream and cry and his jaw would almost lock up with the pain, his stomach would lurch and he would try not to but he would hurl and retch. Alistair would just watch, smile and talk about the weather, about John and little Sammy. Just when Dean felt like he couldn't take anymore Alistair would say something and it would kick his backside into a second wind._

_"...because you know that Sam would never... ever do this for you." He leaned into Dean's face. "He would never even offer to do this, we both know he's not strong enough but he wouldn't even offer." He looked at Dean's cheek and then lifted his hand to place his thumb on it, trailing in the blood Dean could feel all over him. He pulled it back to show Dean. "Blood." He touched it to Dean's nose and Dean closed his eyes. "Yours. Daddy dearest's," Dean could see John in his hospital room, "blood spilled all for Sam." Dean let his head hang as Alistair stepped back. "John saves you but only so you could take care of Sam, you sacrifice yourself for Sam and your mother..." Dean's eyes opened, anger, second-wind in one word. "She died trying to save him. Don't you wonder if he's worth it?"_

_Dean lifted his head and smiled. "Bite me."_

_Alistair smiled and wiped his knife._

The static from the cheap TV was almost louder than the voice coming from it "_I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pressure you._" Dean slowly woke up and opened his eyes to the TV. "_It's just I don't want you to feel like that, you know?_"

"Ugh." Dean closed his eyes as the light hit him. "He's manipulating you!" He shouted at it and turned around. "That Greta is a dumbass." He mumbled to himself.

"What?" Cas turned around to face Dean.

Dean with his eyes still closed mumbled sleepily. "_Days of our Lives_, hate that programme."

"Oh." Cas answered back, not knowing what else to say since he was barely awake either.

Dean realised and slowly opened his eyes. "Cas?"

"Yeah?" Cas shuffled and pulled the covers further up.

"Why are we in the same bed?"

"You know, I wondered that too." Dean and Cas sat up to look at Sam as he switched the TV off and turned in his seat at the table by the window to look at them properly. "And in Eric's defence, he doesn't know that Nicole is stringing him and Lucas along." He shrugged smugly at Dean.

Dean stuttered to talk and looked at Cas. "Wha- This isn't what it looks like..." Sam raised his eyebrows. "Right?"

Cas looked to Sam. "What does it look like?"

"From the faint whiff of whiskey," Sam stood and Cas sniffed the air, Dean looked to him and then pushed the covers back to stand, "and the fact that you shared a bed - it looks like you two got drunk and," he leaned into Dean smiling, "slept together."

"No, no, no!" Dean smiled waving his hand.

"In that case," they both looked to Cas as he looked down at the cover and back up, "it's exactly what it looks like." He looked to Dean confused when Sam pursed his lips together and looked down at the ground.

"No Cas, that's not what-What?" He looked to Sam who looked at the ceiling quickly and turned around. He looked down. Good morning. "Oh Sam, that doesn't mean anyth-" He groaned in frustration when Sam failed to hide his laughter. "Will you just explain to him please?" He pointed to Cas before he disappeared into the bathroom.

Sam nodded and turned to Cas who spoke first. "Explain what? I know what that is, I think I'm suffering from the same thing." Cas shifted under the cover and Sam held his breath. Nope. He lost it.

He burst out laughing and Dean walked out of the bathroom, "Okay, alright," he shoved Sam around on the spot, "you're not helpful, get out." They turned when they heard fluttering and Cas disappeared. "Great." Dean gestured to Sam. "Look what you did." Dean turned to walk away.

"What did _you_ do?" Dean paused and exhaled. "I'm going." Sam grabbed his jacket and headed for the door before Dean punched him. "I will be in the car."

.

"Cas?" Sam sat on the bed in his motel room. "Cas... Castiel?" Sam sighed when nothing happened. "I'm not Dean but I'd like to talk to you? No?" He looked around. "I could try to be Dean, but after the other night..." He inhaled. "Alright." He lowered his voice. "Cas, get your ass down here right now!"

"Hello, Sam." Cas appeared standing in front of Sam.

Sam jumped closing his eyes. "Jesus Chr-"

"Don't."

Sam exhaled. "Sorry. You frightened the life out of me."

"That is a slight exaggeration but I apologise. Although, you did call me so I did expect you to expect me." Cas gestured with his arms and Sam found the whole thing weird for Cas.

"Yeah, but after the third time I didn't expect you to turn up."

"So, I can go?" Cas walked towards the door.

"No!" Sam stood. "Why would you walk to the..." Cas tilted his head and Sam shook his. "Doesn't matter, I just wanted to say that it was me that Dean was talking to the other day when he said 'get out' not you."

"Oh." Cas lowered his head. "Was that all?"

"Well..." Sam hesitated.

"Sam," Cas pointed up to the ceiling, "war going on," he lowered that hand and pointed again with his other, "everyone fighting," he pointed to himself, "trying to restore order," he gestured to Sam, "wasting time."

Sam scoffed. "Fine, go."

And like that Castiel was gone.


	2. Chapter 2

Six months later.

_"It's not such a bad thing, Dean." Dean gasped through the pain while Alistair lay on the floor underneath him. He was suspended in the air on hooks through his shoulders but the pain from that was nothing new: he was hung like that every day - fresh skin, healed and new, cut into with sharp hooks and then hung there like meat in a butcher's shop. Which is exactly what he was. Alistair was on a board with wheels under Dean with a small thin knife and a bloody rag. He was poking tiny holes into Dean's feet and wiping them with the rag which was soaked in something that felt like paint stripper. "Joining us down here."_

_"It may have," Dean tried not to but he had had hours of this and that hurt so he groaned, "slipped your notice, asshat," Alistair laughed and stabbed Dean again, "but I **am** down here."_

_"You know," Alistair chewed away as he spoke, slow and calm as always, "you're always so aggressive towards me."_

_"Can't imagine why." Dean felt it coming up but didn't let on. Then he threw up all over Alistair who closed his eyes and mouth. Dean spat out the last bit. "I really can't."_

_Alistair wiped his eye and smiled before stabbing Dean in the ankle and Dean yelled out._

He sat bolt upright. The room was pitch black and he was sweating. He turned to the other bed which was empty, Dean panicked, Sam had been there when Dean had gone to sleep.

"He's getting gas." Dean's head whipped to the figure standing in the corner looking out the window. "He's just left," Cas looked to Dean, "I think he had trouble sleeping."

Dean sighed, pushed the covers back a little and wiped his forehead. Cas walked over and sat on the bed next to Dean's left side, he raised his arm towards Dean who flinched. "Cas!" He put his hand up and Cas paused. "What are you going to do?"

"I was going to cool you down?" He waited. "You're sweating."

"I'm okay, I'll go get a flannel and run it under the cold-."

"Here." Cas lowered the same hand a little and Dean saw he was holding something that wasn't there before.

Dean hesitated and then took it from him. He could immediately feel how cool it was. "Thanks." Cas just sat there looking at him. "What are you doing here?"

Cas shrugged. "I always check in when I can." Dean nodded as he put the flannel on the back of his neck and moaned a little. "Dean," Dean hummed an answer, "was Hell that bad?"

Dean froze and looked to Cas. "What?"

"Sometimes, when I'm checking in, I catch you while you're sleeping-" Cas started.

"You watch me sleep?"

"Well-"

"Cas we talked about this, that is creepy, don't do that!" Dean pulled the covers back and clambered out of the bed on the other side.

"It's not intentional but you and your brother keep quite abnormal sleeping schedules, I can't always be sure." Cas shrugged as he stood and faced Dean. "That's not exactly what I was asking you about."

"Then what were you asking, Cas?" Dean screwed up his face and turned to look back at him.

"I thought I already did ask. Was Hell so bad that it haunts you at night?" Dean shuffled on his feet, more confused. "You seem quite distressed when you sleep. Sam barely makes any noise, I only watched him to compare, I realise that a lot of humans sleep differently but the only people who make the same noises as you and sweat like that are," he looked up to the side and counted on his fingers, "Steve Groman, 41 years of age who hit a twelve year old girl with his car ten years ago; Elaine Turning, 27, who suffers from the guilt of killing her husband last year and hasn't been caught yet; and Roger Kirk, 11, who is terrified of the monster in his closet which is the twisted memory of his aunt Marie coming into his room late at night when he was 9 and abusing him, he also wets the bed though and I haven't seen you do that." He took a breath. "That's all I have collected so far." He looked back to Dean.

Dean looked to the side and then shook his head. "I don't want to talk about this." He went to turn away. "And stop spying on people in their beds!" He looked back. "And, do something for Roger at least, he's just a kid!" Cas nodded and disappeared. Dean walked into the bathroom and the door to the motel opened.

"Dean?"

"In the bathroom Sam, where were you?"

.

"I just don't understand why Cas has to be here?" Dean whispered.

"You know he can hear you, right?" Sam dipped one eyebrow and they turned to look at Cas who was too busy looking at a book to look up. "Because we could use his help, because we're hunting these missing things from heaven and because it's Cas. Since when do you not want him around?"

Dean sighed. "It's not that I don't want him around, it's just," he lowered his shoulders, "I don't know what it is."

Sam furrowed his brow and slowly looked when Cas called to him. They both walked over. "We're not going to get anywhere here, I'm going to check back in Heaven."

"No, wait Cas-" And he was gone. Sam looked to Dean. "Nice going."

Dean sighed and turned to watch Sam walk away.

.

_"Do you know there is no such thing as tomorrow, Dean?"_

_"Is that a fact?" Dean sighed and fell to the ground, he let out a half-groan, half-shout as he fell onto his knees. Everything hurt, everything was aching and ringing throughout his entire body. The pain from his knees ringing in his eyes, the pain in his hands pressing on his lower back._

_"It is. Think about it." Alistair took out his ripper, it was a knife that actually rotated like a mini chainsaw. It made Dean feel weird, not because he could feel his nausea in his teeth or because he felt dizzy in his fingernails, no this was because a tool like that was not one he would have associated with Alistair which meant that either Alistair was becoming unpredictable, even now, or that Dean was so far gone he couldn't read him anymore._

_"I'll pass." Dean leaned back when Alistair pushed his head back._

_"Well," he turned the mini-saw on, "I'll just have to explain it to you." He started lightly cutting into Dean's shoulder and he screamed. "You see, on that cesspit you call home," Dean gritted his teeth, "there's Monday and then there's Tuesday, right?"_

_"Nice one, Einstein." Dean yelled out when he hit bone, Dean was covered in blood, sweat and tears. He tried not to look to his right at his ear on the floor. The answer to 'do you ever really feel your ears' was 'well I do when it's been scissored off'. Dean tried to close his airway to the sick rising in his throat and joints._

_"Well on Monday," Alistair bared his teeth a little as he wiggled the saw and pushed down, Dean screaming louder with each movement, "Tuesday is tomorrow but when Tuesday comes it's no longer tomorrow is it? It's today. Tomorrow never comes." Dean said nothing that wasn't a swear word. Alistair shrugged. "I was just making conversation, these sessions can feel very one sided when you're not cursing at me."_

"Dean!" Alistair shook Dean's shoulder and Dean bolted upright grabbing his wrist but then realising that is was actually Sam. "Dean, it's me?"

Dean exhaled and looked down. "Sam, don't do that." Sam raised his eyebrows and Dean looked down. He was still gripping Sam's wrist. "Oh, sorry." He let go.

"It's fine, are you okay?"

Castiel was stood in the corner, watching, unseen. Dean insisted that he was but he had seen, he had seen the sweating, the mumbling, the crying and the writhing. Dean's back arching off the bed and Dean screwing up his eyes in pain. He had seen Sam wake out of his sleep and look at Dean, he had watched Sam think about waking Dean but he had seen Sam decide otherwise. He had watched Sam walk into the bathroom, he had looked back to Dean while Sam changed and then observed Sam go over and wake his brother, as if he was just waking him up like always and not because his brother was shouting in his sleep.

Castiel now watched them converse about a witch they were chasing and how Dean had blew off a waitress the other night.

Castiel wondered if Dean wasn't in the mood, if he didn't find her attractive, if his head was too filled with the case. Cas wondered if Dean was too tired because he didn't sleep very well and hadn't done for a while. He wondered if it was because Dean didn't want to fall asleep next to her. Cas wondered if Dean had ever really came back from Hell at all.

Castiel looked out of the motel window when he was called. He took one last look at the brothers as Dean bundled out of bed rubbing his eyes as if he was about to go for a much needed sleep instead of rise from a bad one. Then he went home.

"I don't like them, Dean!" Sam shouted to Dean in the bathroom.

"Yeah, just try not to get the clap from this one." He smirked in the mirror and then looked down avoiding the gaze of the memory that smirked back.


	3. Chapter 3

Three Weeks Later.

Castiel looked up at the sky as his worst fear was realised.

Dean turned when he heard it, the noise, he turned to see the lights, there was hundreds, thousands, hundreds of thousands of them for as far as the eye could see. The flames plunged towards the earth, twisting and turning - suddenly the flames stopped mid-air and burned up while objects attached to them kept on falling.

When one hit the nearby water Sam flinched. "What's happening?"

They both looked up at the sky and not too far away the wind blew aggressively against Castiel as he watched in horror.

Dean didn't know whether to cry or scream. "Angels," Sam exhaled still suffering in his own body, and looked down, "they're falling." Dean's mouth was wide open as he tried to slow his breathing. "All of them." He turned to see Castiel in the distance looking at the sky.

.

_"Dean," Dean hung his head, not again, "Dean, Dean, Dean," Alistair stopped in front of Dean. "Darling," Dean kept breathing heavily whilst looking at the floor, he couldn't, he just couldn't do it any more, "did you miss me?"_

_Dean was on all fours as blood trickled down his face and dripped onto the floor, he could feel his liver pulsing, he hadn't know you could ever feel your liver until about five years ago when that knife had cut into it and Dean felt all of his years of drinking pour out and attack him, all at once. Every hangover he had ignored, every headache he had smothered with pain killers, every hurl he had cut off and pushed back, every wobble he had flexed the control back into. All at once._

_"You haven't spoken to me in weeks, Dean." Dean didn't know why but Alistair's voice cut deeper than it usually did, he felt it rattle as it calmly edged its way closer to him. "Did I do something wrong?" Dean could feel him kneel down next to him and he silently begged him, don't ask, don't ask me._

_Dean tasted the blood at the back of his throat, he didn't have any energy for any come backs, he couldn't find the balls to hold back the screams anymore. He couldn't stop the tears and he couldn't take the pain. Don't ask me, don't ask me._

_"Well," he stood back up, "why don't we begin our usual routine, hmm?" Dean was still on all fours looking at the blood pool underneath him, unable to move and unable to want to. "I ask if you'll join us," Dean's eyes closed and a tear fell to the puddle, "you say no and then we continue our-"_

_"Yes." Dean whispered and opened his eyes to look at the tears mixing with a small patch of blood._

_There was a silence for a few seconds and Alistair stared at his table. He spoke strangely, it wasn't as calm as before it was almost guttural. "What did you say?"_

_Dean looked up to see Alistair turn his head to him. "I said, 'yes'. I'm done."_

_Dean lowered his head again and Alistair smiled._

Dean opened his eyes and heard mumbling. He looked to Sam sweating and mumbling in his sleep, turning a little this way and that.

"That's what you look like." Dean turned around as he sat up, to see Cas on the couch in the corner, lying facing them, the cover pulled up over his shoulders and underneath his chin. "When you sleep." Cas was speaking low so as not to wake Sam.

Dean looked back to Sam, the sweat beading from his forehead and arms as his face screwed up and relaxed momentarily while he twitched and moaned.

Dean spoke low in volume too. "Are you okay?" Dean offered but he didn't really pay attention until Cas didn't answer, he just nodded. And it wasn't an answer. Dean paid more attention but in the darkness it was hard to see. He pulled the covers back and shuffled out of the bed to stand and then walked over to Cas, trying every step of the way to see him better. Cas moved his head a little and Dean saw it, he was wiping his nose with the cover and Dean realised. "Are, are you crying?"

"I seem to be leaking liquid from my eyes and nose, yes."

Dean sighed as he heard the emotion in his voice and walked over to the couch. Cas looked up at him and Dean didn't know what to do, what could he possibly do?

"I don't know what to say, Cas. I can't fix it, not right now."

"What do you mean 'right now'?" He sniffed and turned onto his back to see Dean better.

Dean leaned down and lifted his legs, wrapped in the blanket, so that he could sit on the couch letting them rest across his own. He settled down and looked to Cas as he shuffled further up towards his side of the couch so that he could talk low and still be heard. Cas lifted his head so that he could adjust his height to allow Dean underneath him, then lowered it again. It ended up with Cas' bum against Dean's right leg and Dean unconsciously put his left arm out to hold Cas' legs and stop him falling off.

Dean leaned to his right and put his right arm on the rest of the couch behind Cas' head. "I mean that I can't fix it right now, but we will find a way to fix this." Cas sniffed. "We will."

"How can you be so sure?" Cas could feel it bubble up in him again, how could Dean feel that kind of faith and he didn't? It felt like the end of the world to Cas.

"Because we don't have any other choice, I will not give up and leave my brother like that." They looked to Sam still mumbling away and Cas looked to Dean as his brow dipped in worry. He turned back. "And I won't leave you like this."

Cas suddenly blubbered and the tears started again. Dean got a shock at first but then used his right hand to nudge under the back of his head, pulling Cas against his chest so that he could sob and not wake Sam up. "Okay, I know." He leaned back on the couch, taking Cas with him, and pressed his right cheek to Cas' forehead. "It's alright." Cas' arms were against Dean's chest and they just lay their limply as he didn't know what to do. Dean didn't even realise he was rocking Cas but he was. "The three of us against anything out there, yeah?"

Cas nodded a little. "Team free will." Cas mumbled into Dean's chest.

Dean exhaled a laugh through his nose and nodded. "Exactly." He didn't notice his left hand come up and run through Cas' hair either, but it did.

Dean and Cas fell asleep like that.

_._

_Dean followed Alistair down a corridor and through a room door. Dean stopped in his tracks when he looked up as he walked through it, he hadn't expected it to be that room. He thought Alistair might give him some warning before they walked in._

_"Petey, Pete, Pete." Alistair looked up to Dean, as he leaned down, and stared, smile disappearing. Dean shut the door behind him and Alistair turned back. "My name is Alistair, this is my friend Dean." _

_Pete looked from him to Dean. Dean inhaled and tried not to throw up again today._

_"What is this, where am I?" He looked back to Alistair._

_"Oh, do forgive my manners," Alistair stood, still looking down, "welcome to Hell."_

_"Dean?" Dean looked around him while Alistair continued. "Dean?" The voice coming around him in Hell like a bee buzzing in his ear. "Dean, wake up."_

He jutted awake, sitting up on the couch. He looked at Cas balancing on bended knees beside it. "You're alright, you're okay." His face was puffy and red and his smile weak.

Dean looked down at the couch, it was then that he realised he had been lying down asleep. He thought back, he remembered closing his eyes with his head against Cas' as the ang- former angel's sobs died down. He remembered the blanket around Cas and when he slowly tucked it over Dean's shoulders, the blanket that was now over Dean. He remembered when Cas settled his arm around Dean's neck, the arm that was now resting on his own upper leg as he bent there looking at Dean with worry.

Dean had never fell asleep like that before.

"Uh," Dean blinked looking from the blanket as he pulled it from around him back to Cas, "I'm sorry I fell asleep."

Cas stood up. "It's okay, so did I. I only woke up an hour ago."

"Where's Sam?" Cas pointed to the bathroom, the door was closed over and Dean could hear the water running. "Should he be in there?" Dean stood as Castiel walked to the table. "I don't think he should be in there alone."

"I tried to tell him that but he was already in there when I woke up." Cas leaned on the table and hung his head.

Dean swallowed and took a step behind him. "So he saw us, like that?"

Cas turned his head. "I guess so. Is that a bad thing, what it looks like?"

Dean looked back to the bathroom. "I don't care what it looks like, we've more important things to worry about, Cas." Cas turned his body, confused. "I want you both to know I'm here for you. I don't want him thinking I'm not watching over him."

Cas looked to the floor trying to understand. "I'm in the way."

Dean looked back. "No-"

Cas shrugged. "It's okay, Dean. I understand."

He picked up his jacket and Dean walked forward, putting out his left hand to pull at Cas' right arm to stop him. "You're not-"

"Dean-"

"Argh!" A shout came from the bathroom and Dean's head whipped around.

"Sam!" He ran to the bathroom and Cas followed him. He stormed in and Sam was in a ball in the bottom of the shower. "Sammy!" He leaned down and pulled Sam's face up to look at him. "Sammy, talk to me."

All Sam managed was a pained. "Dean." And more yells.

Dean tried to hook Sam's arm over his shoulder and Sam's hand went down to hide himself. "Grow up, Sam. I'm not interested in your junk." He tried to haul Sam to his feet in the shower and slid on the water, hitting his shoulder off of the wall. He groaned and looked to the bathroom doorway, there was no one there. "Dammit Cas." Dean mumbled thinking Cas had gone.

Cas appeared in the doorway and Dean's brow relaxed. He walked forward and handed Sam a towel to hide himself and then helped Dean haul him up before they carried him out of the room. It was then that Dean noticed that the covers on Sam's bed had been pulled back and his pillow fixed - that's what Cas was doing. They carried him to the bed while he mumbled and Dean realised that the droplets on his skin were turning into more sweat than water.

Cas stood back while Dean tucked him in and then looked down at his hand when Dean handed him the towel. He remembered handing Dean the cold, wet flannel and he walked into the bathroom. He put the towel down and grabbed one of the cloths lying there, he ran it under the tap and looked in the mirror at himself. He remembered Metatron slicing into his neck and he thought for a minute he could see the scar.

"Cas, what are you doing?" Dean called from the room and Cas heard him talk to Sam. "Shh, it's okay. I'm here, Sammy."

Cas looked to the doorway, then rang out the cloth and walked into the room. He held it out to Dean and he took it across the bed with his left hand and turned back to Sam. "Thanks. It's okay. You'll be okay, Sam. We'll be hunting in no time, team free will," he folded the cloth and put it to Sam's forehead as he moaned and hissed at the contact, "I know, we'll be fine, right Cas?" Dean never got an answer. He turned to look at Cas over his left shoulder, then his right and found an empty room, he looked to the door a little ajar. "Dammit." He stood up and ran to the door, leaning out, the flannel between his left hand and the door, looking at the street. He couldn't see Castiel at all. "Cas!" He shouted and a couple of people turning to look. "Castiel?" He lowered his voice but still shouted a little.

"Dean?" Sam groaned and Dean turned back inside. "Dean!" Sam shouted, suddenly panicking and opening his eyes.

Dean closed the door and ran over. "I'm here." Sam's eyes found Dean and he relaxed. "I'm right here, Sam." He folded the cloth and put it back on Sam's face before looking out the window. "I'm right here."


	4. Chapter 4

_"Try it."_

_Dean had stood watching Alistair for three hours now. Watching him tear into the poor man and smile all the way through it, he had watched him slice and dice him, talking to him in the same way he had done to Dean, calm and unnerving. He wasn't torturing, he was playing. _

_"Try it." He reiterated and gestured to the knife he had in his hand. Dean hesitated listening to Pete hyperventilate and retch while Alistair took a deliberation break. "It is what you're here for, or if you'd like you can switch places?"_

_Dean took a step forward and the man let out a sob. Dean paused, looking at him, his nose was dripping blood, his neck was burned and his chest looked like they'd let one of the hounds have a go._

_Alistair jiggled the knife and Dean shakily put his hand out. He reached for it and when Alistair moved an inch to hand him it he withdrew his hand again and turned on the spot before leaning on the wall, this time he was leaning his forehead on the back of his right hand which was on the wall and he had his eyes screwed up._

_"Excuse me, Petey. I need a word with my colleague." Colleague. The word cut Dean like the years of torture he had endured. The years Pete had to come. "Dean." He stood beside Dean, to his right. "You're making a scene."_

_Dean shook his head on his hand. "Why is he here?"_

_"Doesn't matter."_

_"It does." Dean shuffled on his feet. "Why is he here, is he a paedophile, murderer, rapist, racist... Republican?"_

_Alistair chuckled and Dean almost smiled. And it made him feel sick. Alistair went around the other side of Dean and lowered his voice even further. "It doesn't matter why he's here, you were none of those things and yet here you are, here you have been for thirty years, you said yes. Now you can do this, or you can go back on the rack and we can try this again in thirty years. It's up to you but I have a job to do." He gestured down to the knife in his hand. Dean turned and looked to him then down. He thought back to the pain, the screaming, the laughter and the tears. He turned and looked at Pete, the man white as a sheet except for the damage done to him, the man who could have a thousand reasons for being there, good and bad. _

_The man who was at Dean's mercy._

_Dean took the knife and looked Alistair in the eyes. "Let's get started."_

_Alistair smiled and followed him._

_._

"Pete!" Dean shouted as he sat bolt upright in his bed. He exhaled when he realised where he was. He looked to his left to see Sam mumbling and crying in his sleep and sighed. He looked around the room, it felt emptier than it usually did. He pulled the covers back and walked towards the door. "Just getting some air, Sam. I'm right outside." He didn't know if Sam could hear him but he couldn't just leave without at least trying to make sure Sam knew he wasn't leaving him completely.

When he got outside, he took in the cold air and closed his eyes while he inhaled. He leaned against the hinge side of the door frame and folded his arms before looking to the other side. He briefly remembered that night so long ago when he and Castiel had gotten drunk and he had to hold Cas up. He remembered it all and it sent a strange feeling over him, like something was missing now. Castiel had leaned on him, had needed him and then left without a second thought to himself all for the wellbeing of the Winchesters.

Again.

Dean took a step out onto the pathway and looked out at the parking lot. "Where are you, Cas?"

"You know he can't hear you now, right?"

Dean spun around to see Sam standing there, a blue tint all over him and sweat pouring from every available part. "Sam, get back in there!" Dean put his hands out as he walked towards him.

Sam put his right hand out while his left gripped onto the door. "It's cool out here," Dean glared at him, "please," Dean's face relaxed, "just for a few minutes?" Dean sighed and took a step to the side, he didn't miss how white Sam's hand was as it gripped onto the door.

"Come here." Dean put his arm under Sam and walked backwards before leaning Sam on the wall beside the door. "No." Dean grabbed Sam's arm as he tried to pull it away from Dean's shoulder. Sam sighed. "That's the deal, you can do this, or you can go back in there, it's up to you?" Sam nodded and Dean settled against the wall beside him.

There was a little silence as Sam closed his eyes to the cool breeze, his arm relaxing across Dean's shoulders. "Why'd Cas leave this time?"

Dean turned and Sam opened his eyes. "I think he thought he was getting in the way." Dean sniffed. "Idiot."

Sam scoffed for a second and then his face returned to serious. "We need to find him."

"I know." Dean paused and then inhaled. "But how? Like you said, he can't hear us now."

After a second Sam smiled. "Yes, he can." Dean screwed up his face and Sam raised his eyebrows. Dean looked in the door at his cellphone and then back to Sam before they headed back inside to see if Cas had taken his.

He had.

.

He wasn't far, in fact when Sam tracked him by GPS, they found him to be a only half an hour away, by car. He had walked for a few hours not sure where he was going, he didn't even have shoes on but he didn't care about people looking at him. They didn't realise, he had done something so terrible, it might not have been his choice but he had helped Metatron and he had put himself in that position, to be vulnerable and used like that. And all of these people went about their day as normal with no knowledge of it except perhaps a new lodger, a new homeless person on their street, or a partner who was acting different - Cas had no idea how his brothers and sisters were dealing with it.

Probably a lot better than he was, he was walking along the street in a daze having left the Winchester's to look after each other. He had been in the way and he hadn't wanted that. He didn't want to leave but he knew he should and that's why he had a coat and no shoes.

He heard ringing, he stopped walking and looked down, startled for a second and then looked up to the sky with a sigh. He had all of these habits now, and one was having his cellphone on him at all times so that his friends could call him if they needed him and now they were indeed calling him. He stuffed his right hand in his pocket while holding that side of his jacket with his left hand and cursing himself that picking up his cellphone was something he did without thinking but not his shoes.

He looked at the screen.

Sam.

He looked around, up and down the street, he didn't see the brothers or the car. He thought about ignoring the call. He thought about it and he hung his head as he answered it. "Hello, Sam." He mumbled into the speaker.

_"Cas!"_ Sam seemed still in pain but surprised that Cas had answered the phone. _"Where are you?"_

"It doesn't matter Sam, I'll be fine."

_"Cas, just tell u- Hey!" _There was a scuffle on the other end.

_"Cas?"_ It was Dean's voice and Cas' head shot up. _"Tell me where the hell you-" _Cas never heard the rest because a siren blared into the speaker and Cas lifted the phone away from his ear until it passed._ "Where the hell are you?" _Dean said again, a little annoyed.

_"I told you it doesn't matter. I'll be fine, Dean." _The siren passed Cas in the street and Cas closed his right eye as it made him deaf."I'll find somewhere to go and I'll- I'll call you." There was no answer on the other end. "Dean?"_  
_

Then Sam spoke and Cas started slowly walking again._ "Cas, hey listen... What?" _Sam spoke low and Cas waited on Sam finishing talking to Dean._ "Cas, Dean said to ask where you're going?"_

"I told you-" Cas started exasperated and then grunting he hung up the phone.

He got a little fright and took a step to his right when a car pulled up on his left. He turned to see Sam leaning out the window and Dean leaning across to see out. "Taxi for Castiel." Dean smirked.

Cas stuffed his cell back in his pocket and started walking down the street. "Go away." The car started rolling with him as Dean looked between him and the road infront.

Dean started singing and Sam threw his head back laughing. "_Jump in my car, I wanna take you home, come on jump in my car, it's too far to walk on your own._"

"Cas, come on." Sam smiled with a little brow scrunch, not understanding what the hell was going on.

"_Ah, come on now, it costs nothing to try and you'll arrive home nice and dry, ooh!_" Dean kept bobbing his head and looking forward while Sam laughed.

"No, I'll just be in the way." Everyone watched them as the car slowly trailed after Cas who didn't get the reference.

"That's it." Dean sped away and Cas stopped for a second as he was surprised and a little hurt. But he looked ahead to Dean pulling in to a parking spot and then jumping out the car, Cas watched him tell Sam to stay in the damn car or he'd shoot him and Cas had to try not to laugh.

He put his head down and tried to walk passed Dean. "Dean, just let me go."

"No." Dean side stepped with Cas, even taking the steps backwards without looking behind him. "I told you I would fix this, that _we_ would fix this and we will."

"Dean-"

"We will."

"_How?!_" Cas shouted and Sam looked out of the window. "How, Dean? How are _we_ going to fix this? Because _I_ sure as Hell don't know how?" Dean just looked at him, speechless and his brow tensing while he searched for an answer in his head. "I don't know how to help Sam," he gestured to Sam in the car, Dean turned and Sam lowered his head, "and I don't know how to fix what I did."

Dean just shook his head gently. "I don't know either, Cas." He put his hands on Cas' arms and leaned to make him look him in the eyes. "But you have to let me try, together we can figure it out. We can."

Cas shook his head trying not to get upset but he was stood in a street without his shoes and people were staring at him, they had no idea what he had done or what Sam had tried and how he was suffering. They had no idea how, despite everything, these two brothers refused to let Cas walk away, refused to let him think he was alone.

Cas looked down still shaking his head and Dean lowered himself trying to figure out what was going on, was he going to suddenly make a break for it or was he going to fall to his knees and weep? Dean was prepared to catch him either way.

"I picked up my cellphone." His shoulders shook.

"What?" Dean looked to the side, that was not what he was expecting.

"I got out of there while you were focused on Sam and I picked up my cellphone," he looked up to Dean again, his eyes and nose puffy and red and biting his lip when he wasn't talking to stop himself sobbing, "why did I do that?" He pointed down. "I left my shoes and picked up my cellphone."

Cas' hands stayed at his side, his feet still stiff on the ground when he let Dean pull his body to lean into him and just hold him there, Cas didn't cry and Dean didn't say anything. A few seconds passed and Cas took a step forward and Dean turned, his left arm still around his shoulders as they walked back to the car.

They got in calmly but Dean looked over to see Sam motionless in the front seat eyes closed and mouth open. "Sam?" No answer. "Sam!" Dean turned towards him and Cas leaned forward to look over. "Sammy!"


	5. Chapter 5

Dean drove them back to the base and Cas helped him carrying him inside and to his bed. Dean tucked him in and pulled up a chair beside the bed.

"What are you doing?" Cas turned as he had headed for the door.

"I'm watching over him." Dean answered and sat forward bringing his hands up to a praying position under his chin and Cas knew it wasn't intentional.

"You need to sleep too." Cas let his hand rest on the outside of the doorway.

"Floor's fine." Dean sniffed and leaned back in his chair.

Cas nodded and disappeared down the hall. About ten minutes later he appeared again and Dean lowered his magazine. "What the hell is all of this?"

Cas dumped something outside the door, threw Dean a pillow and then a blanket before smiling and disappearing again. Dean smiled thinking Cas was done but he wasn't and Dean lowered his magazine yet again when Cas walked in holding various tubs, bottles and other things. "Come on." Cas bent to place the things on the floor and then walked back to the door way to pick up what he had dumped outside it. He then turned back in with a blanket and pillow of his own. "Dig in."

Dean looked at all of the food and, was that a pack of cards? "What's going on?"

Cas dropped his blanket and pillow before sitting on the floor. "You're going to sleep in here?" Dean nodded. "Well then, so am I." He lifted his bum to sit on the pillow and pulled the blanker over his legs. "Do you wish to sleep right now or are you hungry?" Cas gestured to the bag of chips and containers that Dean knew had left over pie in it. That wasn't fair.

Dean couldn't help but smile a little. "You don't have to do this, Cas."

Cas looked up and smiled back. "I know. Do you know any card games? It's the quietest past time I could find."

Dean stood up and pushed the chair back a little, he looked to Sam before leaning down to join Cas on the floor, he popped the tops from the beer bottles and then put them back on the floor in between them. "Poker."

Cas held out the deck of cards to him and slowly opened the bag of chips, Sam moaned a little and they looked but when he fell silent again they shared a smile and Dean started to explain Texas Hold'em.

.

Sam woke the next morning, his head hurt and his bones hurt and, well, everything hurt. He slowly realised he was lying down and heard light snoring. He turned around on the bed and settled on his right side before opening his eyes a little. Then he opened them all the way. He looked at the scene before him and then lifted his head off of the bed, yes he was definitely awake.

Near the head of the bed was a chair, flush against the wall. On the floor was two pillows, two blankets, two empty chip packets, two empty containers, two forks, two empty beer bottles, a pile of cards and two sleeping figures. Two sleeping figures facing the same way. Dean had his back to the cabinet that lined the wall parallel to the bed, Cas had his back to Dean, both of them facing Sam. But what made Sam lean up on his right elbow was that, while Cas' right hand was tucked under his cheek on the pillow and his left was bent up just lying on the floor, Dean's right was over Cas' side and his left trailed the bottom of Cas' pillow while it tucked under Cas' neck. Both of their left hands a mere centimetre away from each others' - almost as if they had been holding on and loosened their grip as they fell asleep.

Sam looked at the scene before him and wasn't sure what to do, should he wake them up and ask them about it, should he point out that this wasn't the first time this had happened or- _shit. _Dean stirred and Sam fell to the bed shutting his eyes, the was decision made for him when he heard Dean mumble and wake up.

Sam didn't know what happened since his eyes were closed but if he had been able to watch what he would have seen would be Dean wake up and realise, he would have seen him lift his head a little to check that Cas was asleep and then he would have seen Dean look to Sam to see if he was okay. Sam, feigning sleep, mumbled something and wiggled his nose before rubbing it and settling again. Dean looked back to Cas and then decided that, no, in all honesty, he didn't want to move, and since everyone was asleep he wouldn't be caught. So he lay back down, closed his eyes and buried his face into the back of Cas' neck nudging his nose against the little hairs there. Cas sighed and when Dean twitched his fingers just ever so slightly he felt Cas' touch his. He would freak out in the morning.

When he heard light snoring Sam opened his eyes again and saw Cas had tipped his right side back just a little so that he leaned against Dean. He blinked a few times and then closed his eyes again.

.

_"You don't think I've been in your shoes?" Dean looked to Alistair as he stood watching. "I have."_

_The woman shook and sobbed when Dean's gaze returned to her._

_"How long have you been in here?" The woman didn't answer. "Don't worry, Wilson, I'll do all the paddling. You just hang on."_

_Alistair laughed behind them and Dean smiled. "My name isn't Wilson." The woman sobbed._

_Dean shook his head. "No, no it's a film. Has anyone ever told you that you're hard to have a conversation with?"_

_Alistair looked to the side and then lifted off the door as if someone had just whispered something he didn't like but Dean didn't see._

_"See, it's hard..." Dean eyed a knife on the table, he liked the look of it; cold, clean and new. "It's hard to," he walked over to it, "have a conversation when the other person doesn't talk." Dean sighed. "It's rude, actually. Isn't it, Alistair?" He turned to look at his mentor._

_Alistair looked back to Dean, something akin to worry in his eyes. "Very rude." He smiled and Dean enquired with an eyebrow. In response Alistair smiled and walked to the table. "You see, we can keep talking but," he picked up a needle and turned to the woman while Dean turned on his heels to watch, "we were trying to include you."_

_Dean smiled and walked towards the woman._

_._

Dean gasped awake as he sunk the knife in. He was alone and... He leaned up on his elbow. He was in bed, he looked around the room, Sam's bed. He pulled the blanket back and sat up, the mess from the night before was gone and so were Sam and Cas. He stood and walked along the hallway and into the main room to see Sam at the table, leaning over some book.

"Hey." He mumbled looking around the room, Cas nowhere to be seen. "How'd you sleep?"

Sam nodded. "Fine." He smiled and then looked back to his book, Dean opened his mouth to speak but never got that far. "He's in the archive."

Dean paused and nodded before hitting his right fist softly against his left palm and turning to walk away. Sam smiled but didn't look up.

Dean walked down the stairs and into the room, it was still dark and he peered in tentatively. "Cas?"

"Yes, Dean?" His voice spiked from the left of Dean and he jumped a little.

"Jeez." Dean calmed. "Why are you in the dark?"

Cas turned back to the files. "I can see fine. How did you sleep?"

Dean paused. "Uh yeah, fine." He hesitated for a while and Cas apparently found what he was looking for so he closed the file he had open, keeping it in his right hand, and walked passed Dean. "Cas?" Dean turned to look at him as Cas stopped and turned back. "I just wanted to say thank you," he took a breath, "for staying with me last night. You didn't have to do that."

There was a beat and Dean never seen Cas smile a little since the light behind him cast a shadow on his face. "You are welcome. Thank you for teaching me those games."

Dean exhaled a laugh looking down to the ground and Cas turned to walk away again. "I uh," Cas turned yet again and Dean had to force the words out, "I hope I didn't squash you." When he didn't get an answer he knew Cas was narrowing his eyes slightly. "I think I was..." He scratched the back of his head slightly embarrassed and cleared his throat, "spooning you a little bit."

"Spooning? Are you referring to embracing me while we slept?" Dean laughed again. "Do not worry Dean, it was nice." He turned and left.

Dean stood there in the darkness looking at the figure walking away, he looked to the side when the corner of his mouth threatened to lift.

"You have got to be kidding me?!" Crowley's voice drawled out and laughter followed.

Dean's eyes widened, he'd forgotten about Crowley. Then he got mad and glared in the Demon's direction. "Shut up!" Dean walked away and slammed the door on the echoing laughter.

.


	6. Chapter 6

_The next night._

Dean couldn't sleep. That had not happened to Dean in a long time, he had had nights where he was woken up by noise outside, by worries or by dreams. But never, in the past decade at least had Dean had real trouble getting _to_ sleep. He may have had nights where he couldn't sit still, couldn't relax, didn't have the time or just didn't want to sleep. But right now Dean was lying in bed yawning and comfy but he just felt strange. He couldn't put his finger on why and he was sure it was that confusion that was keeping him awake by now. He'd been lying in bed for three hours and he had been all over it. Left, middle, side. In the covers, out the covers. Head on the pillow, head off. Feet on the pillow, feet off. He'd thrown the pillow to the floor and then leaned over to pick it back up again. He'd gone from fully clothed to down to his boxers. And he had brushed his teeth three times.

"This is friggin' ridiculous." He pulled the covers back and hauled himself up. He stuck his head out of the door and looked this way and that - silence. The coast being clear Dean padded down to the bathroom and shut the door over a little. He sighed and then ran the water before looking in the mirror. He inspected his face; it was obvious he was tired and it was obvious that something was keeping him awake but he couldn't think what. He had checked on Sam and after waking him up the fourth time he had narrowly avoided whatever it was Sam had picked up and threw at him, he hadn't dared to put his head back in to see what it was. Dean mumbled in his head about how it better not be anything of his. He cupped his hands together and brought them under the water, he then splashed his face.

"Dean?" Dean paused, blowing the water out of his mouth hearing Cas on the other side of the door. "You alright?"

"Yeah." He raised his voice so he could be heard on the other side and it echoed slightly. "Door's open." The bathroom door opened a little and Cas poked his head in as Dean splashed his face again. Dean reached his left hand out towards the handrail for the towel but he couldn't quite get it. Cas stepped into the room, he grasped the towel and pulled it off the bar just enough that Dean's finger's found it. Dean felt Cas' fingers tickled the palm of his hands as he handed Dean the towel. "Thanks."

Cas smiled. "Night." He turned as Dean wiped his face.

"Tired." Dean mumbled into the towel, drying his face quickly to talk as Cas turned back to listen.

Dean straightened up and took a step towards him. "I'm sorry?" Cas asked.

Dean blew into the towel, the way you do when you're drying your face and you have no reason for it then lowered it. "You asked me why you picked up your coat, knowing your cell was in the pocket, and not your shoes. You're tired. You're tired of running and doing it alone. You want to fix this Cas," Cas inhaled catching up to what Dean meant, "and you know that together we can. You picked up your cell phone because you know that you need us and we need you. We've always needed you." He shrugged. "That's the hard truth, Cas. You walked away because you thought you were doing the best for Sam and me but a part of you hoped that you were wrong."

Cas smiled. "I still could have picked up my shoes."

Dean shook his head. "You don't need shoes in the Impala."

Cas' whole face relaxed. They looked at each other for a few seconds and then Cas reached forward to take one edge of the towel. He raised it slowly and Dean opened his hand to let the weight of the towel rest. Cas used his right to pad the side of Dean's face that he had missed and then he used the other edge and his other hand to dab the other side. "How are the nightmares?" Cas muttered daring to look at Dean.

Dean looked him in the eye. Nightmares. Is that what they were? They didn't feel that bad.

"I'm sorry, Dean." Cas finished rubbing the sides of Dean's face. "I have made you uncomfortable. Forget I asked."

"No." Dean shook his head. "No, you didn't. The mention of it does make me uncomfortable but _you_ didn't." Cas looked at him and Dean looked away before taking the towel with him to put on the bar again. "They're fine. I'm fine." He smiled and patted Cas on the shoulder as he passed him. "Get some sleep Cas."

He wandered back to his bedroom and closed the door. He rubbed the side of his face before walking back to his bed and trying again.

.

_Dean walked down one dark and damp corridor after another with Alistair. "New one today, Dean."_

_"What happened to that chick?"_

_"Folded." Dean raised his eyebrows. "Yeah, Issac was teaching a new recruit last night and I said he could use ours as a guinea pig." They turned right. "I never thought she'd turn this time, I thought another two or three sessions."_

_"Tell me it wasn't the new guy?" Dean showed the disgust on his face._

_"No, it was Issac. You need to let go, Dean." He stopped and put his hand out to stop Dean too. They looked at each other. "You've been holding back and I let you," Dean looked to the side. "You were easing in but now..." He trailed off and narrowed his eyes at the wall beside Dean's knees. Dean looked down at it and back to Alistair. "Now I need to go."_

_Dean put his hand out. "Wait, what?"_

_Alistair looked back to Dean. "I have an urgent matter to attend to."_

_Dean shook his head. "Wha- No we have work to do?"_

_Alistair's lip twitched and Dean's body language changed, it shrunk a little. "I have to go. You'll have to do this on your own." He suddenly grabbed Dean's shirt and shoved him against the wall, Dean looked at him. "Listen to me, we work together but I am your boss. You are costing me not only in souls but in reputation." He brought his face close to Dean's and Dean pouted a little, hating being reminded that he was somebody's bitch. When he spoke Alistair's voice was more of a whisper than usual and more threatening. "Get in there and do what you're here to do. I can see it in your eyes, Dean. The hunger." He smiled. "It's feeding time." He looked over Dean's face, gestured to the door behind them before letting go and walking calmly away. "Give James my regards."_

_Dean watched him walk away and exhaled to himself before turning to the door. He paused and steeled himself. Alistair was right, there was a hunger in him. A hunger long ignored. A hunger long ready. He opened the door and smiled as he saw an older man, of about fifty, dark hair and stubble._

_He closed the door behind him. The man was just standing there, he seemed shocked but not frightened. "This is Hell isn't it?"_

_Dean smiled. "Yes, sir." Dean couldn't help but look at the man. He knew what he was seeing, he knew he saw the resemblance. "James." He let the name curl out into the air. Even the name was similar._

_"I know what you are and you ain't going to get shit out of me." He spat._

_Dean smirked. "I was hoping you'd say that."_

_._

Dean opened his eyes slowly and deliberately. He sighed before closing them again and dragging himself up and out of bed. At least he had eventually fell asleep. He went to the bathroom, washed up and brushed his teeth before wandering back to his room and finding clothes. As he was pulling pants on he saw Sam appear in the doorway. "Sorry, you missed the start of the show." He joked.

Sam scoffed and just stood there. "How did you sleep?"

Dean looked up with his back to Sam as he picked up a shirt from the floor. "Fine." He turned. "Why?"

Sam shrugged his shoulders. "No reason." Dean hooked the top over his head and watched Sam. He looked to Dean smiled and then looked around the room. Dean put his arms in the shirt and just waited, it was coming. "So did you sleep on the bed or the floor?"

"The bed." Dean screwed up his eyes.

Sam nooded and looked to it, he put his hands in his front pants pockets. "And, uh, did Cas join you this time?"

Dean raised an eyebrow. "Sam, what are you talking about? We slept on the floor in your room to make sure you were okay?"

Sam smiled. "Yes but it's not the first time you two have woken up together, is it?"

Dean suddenly remembered all of those months ago in the motel room. "Aw come on, Sam!" He pushed passed him into the corridor. "That was just two guys who got drunk and passed out. That's all!"

Sam followed him. "Maybe, but you weren't drunk the other night, were you?"

"I already told you. I was watching over you and Cas was keeping me company." Dean lowered his voice. "Where is he anyway?"

"Bath." Dean realised and they kept walking to the kitchen. "Dean-"

"Sam, just drop it, okay? Don't be such a teenage girl."

Sam sighed. "Fine." He walked to the fridge and poked his head in.

Dean looked at him, he made to turn away but then turned back. "What's the big deal anyway?" Sam looked to the right, back at Dean. "So we fell asleep on the floor, that was the plan anyway." Sam leaned his arm on the fridge door. "And I mean, we sat up eating and playing poker. That's just what you do, right?"

Sam raised his eyebrows. "Yeah."

Dean nodded. "Yeah." He walked to the cupboard.

"I don't know how many times I've fallen asleep at Stanford, you know, you're studying," Sam took the bacon and various other things out of the fridge and walked over to Dean, "you over work it and you pass out. It's normal."

Dean took the things. "Yeah, exactly."

"And I mean, don't worry about the spooning," Dean paused and looked at Sam who's face was deadly serious, "it's natural to roll towards body heat." Dean thought about it. "It doesn't mean anything."

Dean nodded looking back to what he was doing, which he had slowed down to listen to Sam pacing behind him.

"You just sling one arm over whoever is in front of you, I mean it doesn't matter who it is, you're asleep you don't know. Could be anyone, could be Crowley for all you know."

Dean laughed. "Yeah." He nodded to himself.

"And I mean if you move closer to them, don't worry about that either because that's just a combination of the heat and comfort for your arm that does that. _I've_ done that." He pointed to himself and Dean turned.

"Really?" Sam picked a pan off the hook and held it out for Dean.

"Yeah!" He scoffed. Dean turned back to the cooker and took the pan. "I mean I can't count how many times I've woken up with their hair tickling my nose. But like a nice tickle."

"Yeah." Dean smiled a little. "And the smell?"

"Aw dude, the smell!" Sam walked to stand beside Dean. "Yeah, you can smell whatever they use on their hair and the smell of them at the same time, just," Sam pointed to his own neck," at the base right there," Dean glanced and nodded, "where the hair starts."

"And it's awkward so you have to put your arm..." Dean wiggled his left arm as the bacon and sausages began to sizzle. Sam cracked a couple of eggs into a different pan and Dean turned the heat on for those too. "You have to find somewhere for it, so you just-"

"Tuck it under their neck, yeah." Dean was listening the whole time, relaxing into the conversation, just knowing it was normal and watching the food. Breakfast for three. "Yeah, you know it's going to go numb but it's better that way because you get close enough to the neck."

Dean smiled and nodded more obviously and enthusiastically. "Yeah, there's nowhere else to put it."

"Yeah and you know," Sam stepped closer to Dean, talking with his right hand and Dean turned his head to look again, "some times," he paused, his voice lower, "when you've got your arm over their waist, their back is flush against you," Dean felt himself remember it, he shifted a little on his feet, was the cooker really letting off that much heat, "and you can feel every inhale and every exhale against you, so much so that at some point, you don't know when but at some point your breathing synced up," Dean thought back, it did, "and your nose tickles up and down that little patch at the back while your arm snakes under their neck." He bit his lip, as if he was about to admit a deep secret to Dean, "Sometimes," he hesitated, "it's _mad_," Sam widened his eyes and Dean shook his head, completely immersed and wanting to know, "but sometimes you feel your hand curl around theirs, you can feel your fingers between theirs and the best bit is when they squeeze back a little."

There was a silence over them both for a second. "Yeah." Dean whispered. He turned to Sam, completely surprised. "You and your mates fall asleep like that?"

"No man," Sam slapped him on the shoulder, "I was talking about Jess." He walked out of the kitchen, smug as shit, and Dean paused mid stir. He turned a sausage and thought about what Sam had said, what he had been thinking of and just what the Hell Sam had just pulled.

"Whatever man." Dean shrugged it off and then went back to intensely checking the eggs. "See how you like well-done."

.

Dean finished cooking and Cas walked into the kitchen. There was various things on the counter where Dean was stood; three plates and cutlery for all of them in a pile, some sauce bottles and napkins as well coffee poured into three cups just how each take it. "Hey," Dean muttered and turned back, "yours is the one without beans." He pointed and Cas stepped forward.

Sam walked in behind Cas, when Cas picked up his plate he moved out the way for Sam to take his. "Thank you, Dean." He said but he was smiling at his plate as he walked out.

"This one?" Sam pointed to Dean's plate.

"Yeah, you wish." Dean moved his plate over.

"What. did you slaughter your own pig? Come on man, give me a sausage." Sam moved his hand over Dean's plate and he moved his plate further away. "Just one!"

"You have three!" Dean gestured his head.

"Come on!" Sam tried again and Cas reappeared in the door as they argued.

He walked over while Dean and Sam were arguing.

"Sam, come on I-" Dean stopped dead, holding his plate in the air and his cutlery tucked in his right hand, Sam stopped too, Dean looked down and Sam followed his eyeline to see two hands on Dean's hips. They looked to Cas who was holding onto Dean to look to the side of them. "Cas?" Dean asked.

"Sorry," Cas nipped in between Sam and Dean, brushing against Dean's hip, "go back to arguing," he reached forward and picked up the sauce, "forgot this." He smiled at Sam then Dean and disappeared again.

Sam looked to Dean who slowly looked up. Sam picked up his plate and leaned in to Dean's ear. "You're going to Hell." He shifted. "Again." Then he disappeared down the hall with a smirk on his face.


	7. Chapter 7

_"So, quick question." Dean and Alistair were walking down another corridor, the sounds of crying in the distance and mumbles from the cages they passed. "Anyone down here that I know?"_

_Alistair smirked and glanced to Dean. "Now be careful there, Dean." Dean looked to the floor. "Do you mean someone you've heard of someone that you actually know?"_

_"Heard of." Dean said, face stern. He did not want to go down the other road._

_"Well, I don't know Dean..." He trailed off._

_"Cut the shit Alistair, I know you know everything about me." Alistair looked at Dean, almost too proud to be mad. "Let's not forget our dance before this, we've been working together for a long time but we've been down here a lot longer. You knew things only I know."_

_Alistair sighed. "Yes. It is the only way this works down here."_

_"Spare me the apology." Dean screwed up his face._

_"I wasn't going to apologise."_

_Dean nodded. "Good. Come on, who?" Alistair laughed. "Spill."_

_"Tommy Ramone, Scotty Asheton, Andy Johns."_

_"No way!" Dean looked at him. "Andy? He was a brilliant producer." Alistair nodded and Dean sighed. "Almost wished I hadn't asked now."_

_"Yeah and Allen Collins." Alistair walked a couple of steps as Dean stopped and he turned to face him again._

_"Who's that?"_

_Alistair smiled. "Dean, you just said I know everything about you. That includes your secret love for Lynyrd Skynyrd." Dean looked to the side. "Dean, you're already in Hell. No one is going to punish you for being a Lynyrd Roadie." He walked away._

_Dean looked after him then walked. "I am not a Roadie."_

_Alistair laughed._

_._

Dean opened his eyes with an inhale.

"You're alright." Dean looked to Cas in the driver's seat, he glanced to Dean. "You're in the car, you're fine."

Dean looked back to Sam in the back seat, sound asleep. "Why didn't he wake me if he needed to sleep?"

"Because you were actually sleeping peacefully for a while."

Dean sat up and rubbed his face. "When did you learn to drive?"

"Sam told me the basics, he finally seemed comfortable enough to fall asleep about an hour in."

Dean looked out of the window. It was dark and he had forgotten all about where they were going or what they were doing. And what was that smell?

"We're still a good few hours from the base, there's a burger there." Dean looked back to see Cas pointed to a bag in between them.

"Oh, right." He picked up the bag and opened it. "Thanks."

Dean opened the burger and the car fell silent for a few minutes.

"That one didn't seem so bad." Cas offered as Dean chewed. Dean looked to him, knowing what he was referring to but using the burger as an excuse not to answer. "You didn't seem so distressed this time."

"Cas-"

"I'm sorry, I-" Cas but in until he turned to look at Dean at what point he burst out laughing.

"What?" Dean looked then found himself smiling at Cas laughing. "What is it?"

"You've got sauce." Cas pointed to his own face.

Dean put his thumb on the side of his face but when he pulled it back to look there was nothing on it. "Where?"

"Th-" Cas pointed. "There." But Dean missed it again. "Hold on." Cas glanced to the road before cupping Dean's face with his right hand and using his thumb to wipe the sauce. Dean was frozen looking between him and the road. Cas looked around for a napkin but could find one so he sighed. "I hate chilli." He smiled and sighed, going to lick it off.

"I got it." Dean used his own thumb to drag the chilli off and put it in his mouth. By then he had found a napkin and he took Cas' hand to wipe his thumb for him while Cas looked back to the road smiling. Dean looking from Cas' hand to his face. He held Cas' wrist with his left and rubbed the napkin with his right, his thumb came from the middle of Cas' wrist onto the palm of his hand. Dean twitched his thumb and he looked at it as he moved it from side to side a couple of times, he didn't realise he was doing it until Cas turned to look.

"I think it's gone." He smiled and Dean suddenly looked up letting Cas' hand go.

"Yeah," he folded and used the napkin to wipe the rest of his face and Cas gave him another look before again looking back to the road, he yawned and Dean cleared his throat, "pull in and we'll switch."

"I'm okay. Just talk to me."

"Sorry?" Dean looked to the road then back to Cas. "Cas, you shouldn't be driving if you need me to talk to you to keep you awake."

"I don't." He slowed at the end of the road and looked before turning left. "I just want you to talk to me."

"Why?" Dean looked into the back at Sam, he was still asleep.

Cas shrugged. "I like talking to you." Dean went silent for a few minutes. "You don't have to-"

"No." Cas turned his head. "I want to." He inhaled. "You ever listened to Lynyrd Skynyrd?"

.

They pulled up to the base and Dean leaned back to hit Sam's leg. "Sammy." Sam jolted awake. "We're home."

"Base?"

Dean sighed. "Yes, Sam. The base. Home." He gestured and opened his door before looking at Cas and getting out.

Cas and Sam got out as Dean's door closed.

"Sorry I slept most of the way, did I miss anything?" Sam asked Dean as they walked around to join Cas walking into the base.

Dean turned and smiled. "No."

.

_"I thought you might enjoy this one." Alistair muttered as he reached for the door._

_Dean followed him inside and looked to the man standing there before him. "Mr Zutterberg?"_

_"What do you want from me?" The man, who had to be in his late fifties by now, had a full head of grey hair and tough skin, he looked at Dean the exact same way he looked at Alistair. With distaste. Not fear. Just annoyance._

_Dean looked back to Alistair who had closed the door. He smiled and nodded. "Point." Which Dean knew by now was that he got to lead._

_Dean looked back to him. "You don't know me?" The guy just looked at Dean. "You don't remember me?"_

_"I asked you what you wanted!" He shouted as he sat on his chair, clearly having given up trying to move._

_"Dean?" The man just stared. "Dean Winchester?" He looked like the name rang a bell but couldn't grab it. "I was in your class for three months, my little brother had you too, Sam."_

_"Sam Winchester..." The man looked down. "Yes, I remember him."_

_Dean sighed._

_Alistair laughed and Dean turned. "What? It surprises you, it's how it's always been, Dean."_

_"You made my life hell and you don't even remember me?" He shouted facing Alistair but his eyes were to the side and it was aimed to the man behind him._

_"Dean," the man pointed as Dean turned, "I remember you, you were a monster!"_

_Dean took a step forward and grabbed under the man's neck, he gasped and looked down at Dean's hands then back up. "Oh, you've no idea."_

Cas was walking along the base when he heard it. He heard the low level muttering and the moaning. He stopped at Dean's door and saw him writhing in the bed, he pushed the door open and it creaked just a little. As the light swept into the room and over Dean it caught the sweat covering Dean. Cas took a step into the room and followed it with his eyes; up Dean's calves, over his bowed-knees and up his thighs which tensed. The sides of his boxers were slightly darker than the rest from the sweat. Cas saw Dean's left fist lift from the bed and slam back down. He walked slowly to the side of the bed as Dean carried on mumbling and squirming about on top of the covers he had clearly thrown off and half tucked back underneath him.

"I was just a kid..." He muttered.

Cas looked over Dean's torso tight with pain, not physical pain perhaps but emotional pain. Cas knew that, no matter how brave the face that Dean put on was, he suffered when he wasn't able to hold the wall up. When the mask slipped. He looked to Dean's face and it contorted into anguish, the sheer purity of the emotion breaking Castiel's heart. He looked around the room, Dean's clothes had been thrown over a chair in the corner except for his t-shirt that it looked like he had elected to wear to bed but threw that to the floor in the night. It was also covered in sweat that appeared to be drying.

"I tried..." Dean mumbled again. "You didn't... try to understand... I was in pain..." Dean kept muttering.

_"I was in pain." Dean almost whispered while he carved something into the man's arm as he screamed. "You didn't even ask. You just assumed that I was the trouble teenager." He bared his teeth as he hit deeper and the man cried out for Dean to stop. "I wanted you to stop too, all you did was get on my back. You refused to help me." He pulled the knife out and the man kept crying, he pointed it at his nose and he looked up to Dean. "You thought you knew it all."_

_"He liked Sam?"_

_Dean turned at Alistair's question and then looked back to him before nodding. "Oh yeah, everyone did. Sam." Dean sighed. "Always about Sam." He muttered to himself and Alistair listened intently. _

_"You were a lost cause!" The man shouted to Dean and he screwed up his eyes. "You had accepted your life, Sam had a chance of breaking out. Think about it, you're here, where is Sam?"_

_Dean leaned down and whispered. "I'm in here..." The man looked at him as he nodded angrily. "I'm doing all of this, so that Sam doesn't have to."_

"Sam... doing it for Sam." Dean tossed his head to the side and then back again.

Cas leaned forward, unable to stand to watch any more. "Dean?"

"Doing as Dad said..." He moaned in pain.

"Dean?" Cas bit his lip, unsure if he should. "Dean?" He shook Dean's shoulder and automatically let go again when he felt the heat. "Wow."

He looked down and couldn't think of another solution so he put his hand gingerly on Dean's forehead and to Cas' amazement his voice lowered just a little.

"Just trying to be there..." He sighed.

Cas moved his hand to the other side of his head. "Shh..." Cas shook his head. This wasn't fair.

"Sam..." Dean turned his head to the side Cas' hand lay, Cas moved it to lie on Dean's left cheek. He moaned softly. "Trying to do what's ri..."

Cas wiped his hand on the cover, he moved up the bed a little and used his left to cup the right side of Dean's face. Dean turned towards him. "Shh, you'll be alright." Cas whispered.

"Cas..." Cas stilled a second and then switched hands again. "Cas, is that you?"

"Shh, go back to sleep." Cas whispered again into the darkness. "You're okay you're just burning up. I'll leave you alone." He withdrew his hand and went to stand at the same time.

Dean sat up a little, reached out and gently took his hand, he stopped and looked back to Dean, mid-stand. "Please." He sighed. "Don't go."

Cas slowly sat back down. "I'm not going anywhere." Dean nodded and let himself fall back to the bed. He let his hand fall back to the bed too and Cas put his hand on Dean's neck. He moaned at the contact and Cas inhaled. He padded his hand up his neck as Dean faced the other man. He started to slowly relax and Cas watched his breathing start to calm. He traced his fingers up and down the side of Dean's neck, he didn't know why he was doing it other than he wanted to, he nudged up even further to be closer to Dean's head, he looked down when Dean's left arm slung around his waist. His hand lay limp against his waist, its index finger just touched the bed. But he didn't stop. He tickled his neck and his shoulders until he heard the steady approach of snoring from Dean.

Cas couldn't leave. He knew he could never walk through that door, no, tonight Dean needed watched over. So he picked up Dean's arm, slowly slipped from the bed, put Dean's arm back down and found the chair in the corner, he fussed with the chair and quietly sat in it. He knew how to do this, he had seen Dean do it, he leaned forward, put his hands out in front of him in a prayer position. After an hour or so Dean hadn't made a sound except snoring and Cas could feel himself getting heavy so he leaned back in the seat, putting his feet out to steady himself. He watched over Dean that night.

* * *

**Just to clarify that I meant no disrespect by saying that Tommy Ramone (a member of the Ramones), Scotty Asheton (drummer for The Stooges), Andy Johns (music producer who worked with bands such as Led Zeppeln) or Allen Collins (former member of Lynyrd Skynyrd) are in this Hell. I was merely creating a scene that establishes the relationship between Alistair and Dean & that Dean likes things he says he doesn't. I meant no disrespect to these deceased musicians, their lives, their work, their suffering or their families, fans and friends. None what so ever.**


	8. Chapter 8

_"Cas, use your legs." Dean laughed despite himself as he helped Cas into the room._

_"Why are you laughing?" Cas asked but he was smiling as Dean stumbled backwards to the door to close it with his body._

_"I don't know." Dean smiled and hobbled back over to the bed. "Just me carrying an angel."_

_"Not an angel any more." Cas slurred._

_"I know but I've been in Hell." He waited and paused as Cas lifted his head and then he started to laugh. "See what I mean?"_

_Cas nodded. "Yes, I do." They stumbled towards the bathroom, Cas having already said he need to go. "You know, some people think you're not smart," Dean looked, "but you have some funny stuff in- in there." He lifted his left arm to point to Dean's head and his body weight fell forward._

_"Whoa, Cas!" _

_The two of them stumbled backwards and fell onto the floor, Dean on top of Cas. They started laughing again and Dean put his hands out to lift himself up to look down, his knees resting on either side of Cas' hips. "Sorry." Cas mumbled looking up._

_"Me too." Dean offered coming a little further over Cas to look right down. "Thanks for the soft landing though." They laughed again and then the laughter slowly died._

_They just looked at each other. It was dark in the room and they hadn't been able to turn the light on since they came in but the bathroom light lit up Dean's face. The alcohol meant his pupils were so small that Cas would swear it was just two green circles looking back at him. And that's when Cas' hand reached to touch Dean's cheek. He didn't know why and Dean didn't even seem phased by it. _

_He just smiled._

"Cas?" Cas heard Dean's voice and he shook awake. "Cas?"

"Dean!" Cas startled awake and shot up from the chair as Dean took a step back to let him. He grabbed Dean's shoulders. "Are you alright, what's wrong?"

Dean put his hands up to grasp onto Cas' arms too. "I'm fine." He smiled a little. "It's morning."

"Oh." Cas looked around. "I must have drifted off." Dean nodded, still smiling. "I'm sorry."

"What were you doing sleeping in the chair?" Dean smiled, neither of them had let go of the other yet. "Your back must be killing you."

"I was watching over you." Dean's smile fell a little. "Did I do it wrong?"

Dean took a second to answer. "Watching over me?"

Cas nodded. "Like you do with Sam." He looked back to the chair. "I thought I had it right."

Dean slowly let go of Cas' arms and Cas turned to look. "You didn't do it wrong Cas, but you don't need to do that. I'm not your responsibility." Dean turned and walked away.

Cas watched him. "Yes, you are." He whispered and looked back to the neatly made bed. Like a marine. "You always have been."

Dean stood on the other side of the wall having heard him and slowly walked away.

.

"Dude." Dean grabbed Sam by the shirt and pulled him back into the kitchen.

"Dean!" Sam shouted as Dean threw him against the wall.

"I am freaking out." Dean whispered.

"Why are we whispering?" Sam ducked his head a little.

"Because I am freaking out about..." Dean suddenly snapped back. What the Hell was he doing? It was in his imagination. It was. He was being silly. He felt Cas' hand on him last night and he tried to push it down. Imagination.

"About?" Sam waited and looked as Dean slowly let him go.

"This whole..." Dean sighed. "Angels falling thing." He nodded. "Yeah, and I didn't want Cas to hear. You know? But I'm overreacting. Ignore me." He smiled. "What, uh..." He looked around the kitchen. "Whatcha doing?"

Sam slightly relaxed against the wall. "Well, I was about to go on a case."

"What?" Dean looked to his hand that he saw had paper in it. "No way." He snatched it and ran when Sam chased him. "Nope."

They ran into the main room, Sam trying to reach around Dean to grab the paper back but Dean strong arming him away and burling around the room. "Dean!"

Dean stopped on the other side of the table and Sam sighed. "Demon?" He tilted his head. "No way."

"What's this?" Dean turned to his right a little as Cas appeared behind him, reading over his shoulder. "We got a case?"

Dean stared for a second and Sam watched. Cas turned his eyes to Dean and Dean came back to himself rubbing his eyes. "Uh, well _I_ do."

"Dean!" Sam ran around the table and Dean went the other way.

Cas shook his head, deciding it was none of his business and walked into the kitchen rubbing his neck.

Dean walked around to Sam's side and Sam tried to snatch the paper. Dean glared at him and put it behind his back as he followed Cas. He whispered. "Just." He put it in his other hand. "Just wait."

Sam turned to see Dean, in his housecoat, follow Cas into the kitchen.

"That was quick. Do you want coffee?" Cas smiled as he looked up.

"Yeah, thanks." Dean pointed as he took a step forward. Sam was listening at the door. "Is your neck sore?"

"It'll be fine. "Cas smiled a little embarrassed. "Don't worry."

"You shouldn't have slept in that chair." He let his hand hang at his side and Sam looked at the paper as Cas had his back to Dean, filling the filter.

"Where else would I have slept?" Cas laughed a little. "You asked me to stay and I wasn't leaving you either way."

Sam furrowed his brow. He asked him to stay? Sam was suddenly wondering if he wanted to hear this.

"I don't know," Dean shrugged and Sam's eyebrows raised, he knew what was coming next, "you could have, you know," Sam stepped back as Cas turned to face Dean, "it's a double bed." He shrugged again and Sam smiled a little.

Cas thought back to his dream. Was that a dream or was he remembering their drunken night? He wasn't sure.

"It's not like we haven't slept in the same bed before." Dean lightly patted his hand on the counter looking at it. "And I mean, we wouldn't have had to be anywhere near each other like on Sam's floor. Not unless- Uh, but you've clearly hurt yourself." Dean pointed to Cas' neck. Sam shook his head. His brother was a dumbass.

Sam wandered into the kitchen snatching the paper. "You know, Dean took a class in massage." Sam smiled looking from Cas to Dean as Dean turned to look, firstly at the paper, then at Sam himself.

"You did?" Cas asked as more of a musing than an actual conversation.

"Uh-huh, yeah." Sam smiled at Dean who was still glaring for a second before he turned, switching to a smile.

"Yeah, I wasn't very good at it though." He scoffed still smiling and shook his head.

"Try." Sam pushed him towards Cas.

"No, really I'm-" Cas turned to the coffee machine as it finished.

"It's the least he can do!" Sam smiled and looked to Dean. "It's your fault he's in pain, after all." When Dean's fell a little to the floor Sam knew he could walk away.

"Is it okay if I..." Dean barely croaked. What was Sam playing at? But he had a point. Cas was not used to sleeping in chairs. Cas was not used to sleeping.

"Honestly, you don't have to-" Cas poured the coffee for them.

"I know." Dean cracked his knuckles. It would have been better if Cas was sitting or lying down but there was no way Dean was going out there and doing this in front of Sam.

What Dean didn't realise was that Sam had grabbed his coat and sneaked out. Paper in hand.

Cas put the coffee down and turned. "Why would you take a massage lesson?"

Dean gestured for Cas to turn back around and he did. Dean slowly reached for Cas' shoulders, as if they were on fire. As if it would burn.

When he finally touched them and squeezed Cas stayed tense. "I was chasing a Djiin."

Cas started to relax and so did Dean, he was still going to kill Sam.

"A massaging Djiin?" Cas laughed and Dean smiled. "That's innovative."

"Yeah, think about you, you get to touch people. They start to relax and you slowly introduce the poison, they never freak out or try to run." He shrugged a little. "Genius really."

"Yeah." Dean's eye widened because, well, because that had came out as a groan rather than a full word and Dean felt himself tighten. No way, Winchester. Pull away. Pull away. Cas' head fell forward and he leaned on the counter. "Mmm. I see you passed." His hips were barely a whisper way from Dean's now.

Dean let out a little laugh. "I would have if I hadn't, you know, ganked the teacher." Cas let out a laugh and then a slight yell of pain. Dean stilled. Cas stilled and tensed reaching for his neck. "What, what did I do?"

"No, it wasn't you."

"Where is it sore?" Dean lifted his hands from Cas.

"My right shoulder blade." Dean touched it. "Up a bit." He raised his hand. "Yeah, there."

Dean slowly started to work it out. "Sorry." He mumbled when Cas hissed. "It'll go in a sec." Cas nodded. "You need to straighten."

"It's sore." Cas mumbled, embarrassed.

"I know." Dean took a step forward without thinking. "Let me do it." He put his right hand under Cas' right arm and up to press his palm into Cas' shoulder, with left hand on the top of Cas' left shoulder at the back. Gently rubbing across to the right.

Cas could feel Dean's breath on his ear and his chest flush against his back.

Dean slowly rubbed, mostly using his thumb, while supporting the sore side as if Cas was lying down as he should really be. "Is this okay?" Dean whispered into Cas' ear and turned his head a little. The tip of Dean's nose touched Cas' ear. Cas just nodded slowly relatively unaware that his breathing had shallowed slightly. "This is the sore bit." Dean whispered again. Cas just nodded again. Dean pushed a little more and Cas' face tensed. "I'm sorry." Dean said. "Next time just get in the bed Cas." Cas' face relaxed. "Don't leave but," Dean pushed with his thumb again and Cas felt the pain go, "I don't want to be the reason you're in pain. Not again."

Dean let his right arm drop as he heard the change in Cas' reactions and brought both of his hands up and down Cas' back. Cas was letting little moans out quite aware that Dean had barely moved away from the back of him.

"Dean," Cas hadn't meant it to come out quite as breathless as it had but Cas could feel a change in him, he didn't know what and for a minute he thought about asking him, asking Dean to teach him again, but instead he bailed out as Dean stepped back, letting his hands drop, "the pain's gone."

"Good." Dean smiled and turned away before Cas even had a chance to turn around. Cas wondered is perhaps he didn't want his coffee now.

Dean didn't exactly want to go into the main room sporting this erection but when he got there he figured he'd rush for a seat and wait it out while Sam shot him funny looks. But instead he was faced with an empty room.

"Son of a bitch!" Dean shouted and then adjusted himself before he walked back into the kitchen to see Cas looking quite red. "Sam's taken off after some demon." He sighed looking at Cas. "What's wrong?" He took a step forward. "Is it still sore?"

Cas shook his head. "No. Nothing is wrong, I'm fine." He smiled and, taking his cup he turned away and looked in a cupboard. Maybe he would ask Sam.


	9. Chapter 9

_"So," Dean turned as Alistair sat down next to him, "brother complex, huh?"_

_Dean sighed. "Can we stop the chit chat. Danced this dance, remember?"_

_Alistair chuckled a little. "Yes. But you're enjoying this."_

_Dean looked at him. "What?"_

_Alistair leaned forward. "This. You are really enjoying this. Doing what we do."_

_"Torture." Dean stated._

_"Crafting." Alistair spat back. Dean knew he was touchy but he had been more easily set off lately. "You really broke that hag."_

_Dean smiled a little. "Little charm, little smile-"_

_"Big knife." Alistair finished and he and Dean laughed._

_"Yeah, exactly." Dean looked around. "Can I ask?" Alistair nodded. "Why are we in a cafeteria?"_

_Alistair looked around. In was a lunch hall just like in any boring work place. "Why not?"_

_Dean pointed to his table and then gestured around. "No one is eating." Alistair exhaled a laughed. "We don't need to eat. So, what's the point?"_

_"Theatre." Alistair added and hit Dean on the shoulder. "Come on let's..." He trailed off as he and a handful of other Demons looked to the side. "I have to go."_

_"Alistair." He went to walk away and Dean followed him. "Alistair!"_

_"You ready?" A Demon saddled up next to them talking to Alistair._

_Alistair nodded. "Yes." He turned back to Dean. "Keep going. You don't need me, kid." _

_Dean followed him a few steps and a couple of other Demons passed him talking._

_"-breaking in, I mean if they get in here-"_

_"-but we spend our time trying to get out, who would want to get in-" _

_The first one shrugged and they carried on walking._

_"Break in?" Dean muttered._

Dean stirred enough to wake slightly. He looked to the chair beside his bed. Empty. He turned to the other side of the bed. Empty.

And why was he disappointed? He reached for his phone, he had spoken to Sam earlier and argued with him down the phone that he better get his ass back to base so Dean could kick it. Sam had told him no and no he wouldn't say where he was. And yes, he had turned his GPS off so Dean could bite him. Then Sam had hung up.

Dean pressed call. "Sam?"

_"What?"_

"Don't get all bitchy on me." Dean rubbed his face. He didn't want to argue. "I'm just checking you're okay."

There was a pause. _"Sorry. I'm fine."_

"Sam-"

_"Dean, honestly, I'm fine. I was getting cabin fever in there and you were smothering the life out of me." _Dean laughed. _"I just need to hunt this demon down and I will come back. I need to purge something."_

Dean nodded, he could understand that. "I hear it's good for the soul."

Sam laughed. _"How was the rub down?"_

Dean's face grew stern as he spoke and gestured into the phone. "You are dead." Sam just laughed. "Seriously, Sam. What the hell was that?"

_"It was a nudge."_

"Sam, I don't know what you think you know but Cas and me, we're just mates."

_"Yeah, sure." _Dean sighed. _"Dean, there is something between you. I know there is. And so do you."_

"See, this is what I mean. I try to tell Cas that I need to make sure you know I'm there for you and he takes off. I finally get him back and then you take off. I can't seem to keep a balance here."

_"Dean, I left because I need to hunt something, to know that I can still deal. I need that. I won't get any further if I don't get it."_

"But I could have come with you. You're shutting me out." Dean hated that he sounded needy but it was true. There was no need for Sam to be out there alone and it was ridiculous that Sam might collapse any moment without back up.

_"I need to do this but on my own. I need that. You can do a million things Dean but this healing has to be me and all I ask is that you let me deal the way I know how." _Dean sighed. _"Take some time yourself."_

"What do you mean?"

_"Dean, I can see it between you and Cas,"_ Dean ran a hand through his hair, _"I'm not saying you have to do anything or whatever but I'm just saying stop looking around and take five minutes to look after yourself. I'm not the only one that has been through stuff lately. Please. Just listen to your own mind and body and just... Just listen to yourself."_

Dean inhaled. "Yeah." He widened his eyes. He didn't seem to have a choice right now and it didn't sound like a bad idea. "Call me... Bitch."

_"I will, jerk." _

The phone clicked and Dean sighed.

.

Cas was pacing the main room with his cell in his hand. "Call him? Don't call him?"

Dean walked along the corridor and heard Cas talking, he poked his head and saw Cas pacing nervously so he stayed back and listened.

"Call him, or not, or call him?" He pressed the phone to his lip and turned on his feet. "And say what? Hey Sam, how's it going," 'Sam' Dean muttered to himself, why would Cas want to call Sam and why was he so nervous?, "so listen, it's about you're brother."

Dean listened harder and Cas grunted.

"Then what? He'll say, 'Oh really Cas,' or Castiel, he usually calls me Castiel, 'Oh really Castiel, what about Dean?' And then what do I say?"

Dean thought about everything, why would Cas want to talk to Sam about him? What could he not just say to Dean? Had Dean made him uncomfortable?

"No, I can't." Dean leaned and saw Cas put his cell down on the table. "I can't do it."

Dean made a quick retreat and then walked forward as if he was just coming along as Cas walked out and towards him. Dean looked up and smiled. "You alright?"

"Yeah, just going to take a shower."

"Alright." Dean kept walking and Cas turned to look.

A few more seconds and Dean would have heard him talking to Sam. Close one.

.

_"Did she pass out again? She passed out again, didn't she?" Alistair looked up from his perch on the bloody floor. Dean nodded and leaned back against the wall. "This one is so boring. All she does is scream."_

_"I thought you liked a screamer." Dean smirked as Alistair stood up and looked at him. "I know I do."_

_"I do." Alistair rubbed his head. "But she's just non-stop from start to finish. I don't know what's making her scream from cut to burn."_

_"Frigging drama queens, right?"_

_"I know!" Alistair turned his head and then pointed to Dean with his ice pick. "You know, you were fun." Dean looked up, not with venom or distrust but as if he was talking about a film. "You were one of my best works of art."_

_Dean put his right hand to his chest. "Flattery will get you nowhere, Alistair." Dean chuckled._

_"Really?" Alistair leaned his hand at the side of Dean's head and he moved his head back until it hit the wall._

_"I don't swig that way." Dean smirked._

_"What way?" He smirked and gestured between them. "We're demons."_

_Dean shuffled. "I like chicks."_

_Alistair narrowed his eyes. "So what was Davey?" Dean's jaw tightened. "Come on, Dean." He leaned back. "You keep reminding me that we've danced this dance before." He turned away._

_Dean swallowed. "Me and Davey never did a thing. We were friends."_

_Alistair looked to him. "March 27th," Dean stopped breathing, "you were fifteen."_

_"I was a kid."_

_"You were a horny little teenager." Alistair laughed as he wiped his ice pick. "Hmm." He walked away and placed it back on the table. "Bored of that."_

_"That was- That was nothing!" Dean lied._

_Alistair tutted as he shook his head. "Dean, Dean, Dean." He exhaled. "You enjoyed it at the time." He leaned sideways towards Dean. "Admit it. It was the best wank you've ever had."_

_Dean didn't say anything and the woman regained consciousness._

_"Oh." Alistair smiled again. "Saved by the bell."_

_._

Dean woke up suddenly. He rubbed his face and felt the sweat. He needed to wash his face. But he was suddenly aware of something. He was in bed. And he was not alone.

Castiel was lying asleep next to him. Dean just looked down as Cas stirred.

"Dean?" He shot up to look. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Dean tried to put Davey's face out of his head. And that shower. "I didn't expect you to be there."

"I'm sorry." Cas went to move. "You seemed in distress and you told me to-"

"Cas, it's fine. I know I told you to." Dean put his hand on Cas'. "I just got a little start, that's all." Cas nodded. "Thanks." He mumbled as he stood. He walked along to the bathroom and splashed his face looking in the mirror.

_Admit it. It was the best wank you've ever had._

Dean exhaled and walked back along the corridor. He shut the door behind him and slid into bed. He turned to face Cas who was lying on his back, breathing evening out again. What was it he wasn't telling Dean?


	10. Chapter 10

The next morning was a little awkward. Dean got up first and went for a shower. Cas didn't stir as he left the room and when he came back in to get changed Cas was still asleep.

"Screw it." He decided to chance it. Cas stirred and opened his eyes. Dean had been too conscious to drop the towel completely so he held it over his, you know, and had his back to Cas as he found underwear. So Cas had opened his eyes to the back of Dean, which was completely bare. "Friggin'-" Dean sighed and looked up as his underwear fell to the floor.

He turned to Cas lying asleep and ducked to move them so he could stand into them and pulled them up with his left hand. He heard Cas stir and he rushed to pull them up. He stood holding the towel in one hand and watched as Cas stretched and sighed into the pillow. Dean watched him for a few seconds before he remembered himself and rushed to put pants on.

Cas planted his face into the pillow pretending he was still half asleep. At least one part of him was wide awake. In his defence that was a morning thing but it felt a little more... interested, that usual.

Dean pulled a t-shirt over his head and left the room.

Cas turned around and waited a few minutes before picking up the towel and heading to the shower himself.

He pealed his clothes off and stepped under the water. He bowed his head and let the water run over him, when he turned his head to wash the hair back off of his head he looked at the towel hanging over the rail. And he saw Dean's sculpted back, the muscles flexing and rippling as he shuffled to pull his boxers on. His skin was still damp and-

Cas looked down. "You again." Cas flicked it. "Go away."

It just bounced a little before settling back. Basically, no.

_Great, now he's got a boner._

Cas laughed a little. Indeed.

Cas looked to the doorway and turned the water pressure up to make it louder before he paused. He knew about this, he had heard Dean mutter something here and there about it. There was a way to do it. Play with yourself, Dean had said once.

Cas looked at it. Just how do you 'play' with that? Stroke it was another common expression he had heard but he began to wonder if he was getting this and puppies mixed up. That wouldn't be good. Dean would know what to do.

He thought back to his dream. Dean on top of him and smiling as Cas reached for his cheek. Had that been a dream?

He reached down, placing his right hand, palm down, on top of it and slowly wrapped his hand around it. Seemed logical. He pulled slightly and his mouth opened, letting out a little moan as tingles wormed through his body. He looked to the door again to make sure it hadn't magically swung open. He closed his eyes and did it a few more times. It wasn't comfortable, it wasn't enough. He turned his hand the other way, so his fingers and thumb joined at the top and tried again. Much, much more comfortable, and he felt the sparks shoot through him. He let out laboured breaths, trying not to moan into the steam filling in room.

He felt it slowly begin to build up and he leaned his left hand on the tile in front of him, bowing his head. The water hit the crown on his head but he just closed his eyes and opened his mouth. The idea that his dream might have been real was helping making this more and more intense. He didn't know why. There was a hot pressure beginning to build in his stomach - he was suddenly a little scared of it. He felt himself slow but then he felt a twinge in his shoulder so he straightened up a little and Dean's massage came into mind. He sped back up.

_Is this okay?_

He felt Dean's breath on his ear and he turned to look over his right shoulder. Nothing but tile.

_Is this okay?_

"Yes." Cas whispered turning his head back and it pooled in his stomach before beginning to crawl down.

_Let me do it._

Cas nodded, swallowing a breath, he sped up and Cas screwed up his brow. It was so intense it was becoming too much. The idea of Dean taking over and touching him like this made his stomach muscles tense and his toes curl.

_This is the sore bit._

Cas inhaled and shook as he felt it hit him. "Dean..." Cas hadn't meant for it to come out quite as loud as it had but Cas could feel it course through him. It finally stopped and he looked down at the tiles. He looked up and, standing up again, he rinsed his hand under the shower and then tried to direct the shower water on the mess he had just made.

"Cas, did you shout on me?" Dean shouted from the other side of the door. "Cas!"

Cas frantically tried to use the water to wipe the mess.

"That's it." He heard Dean whisper and he opened the door to see Cas grab for the towel. "Shit, sorry!"

Dean went to turn but as he did he saw something on the tile. Something he recognised. Hell, every guy did.

"I'm sorry!" Dean said again as he turned, not drawing attention to what he had seen. "I thought..."

Cas stuttered for something to say. "I didn't call for you."

Dean nodded. "Right, sorry. My bad." He walked out and closed the door.

'What the...' Dean mouthed to himself.

'Assbutt.' Cas mouthed then hit himself on the head with the bulky part of his palm. And then proceeded to keep doing it. 'This is exactly why it's a sin.' He reached for the shampoo.

.

Dean was sitting in the main room when he yawned it had been a long day and his mind had been preoccupied. He had definitely heard Cas shout for him. And he had definitely seen what he thought he did. There were no bubbles in Cas' hair or anywhere else for that matter so it wasn't shampoo or shower gel. No, it was definitely... that. He stole glances at Cas but the echo of his shout in Dean's mind made him feel... warm. Warm and uncomfortable.

Dean stretched and stood. "I'm going to hit it."

Cas looked up from his book and smiled before looking back down. "Goodnight, Dean."

Dean took a couple of steps and then turned back. "Uh..." Cas looked up. "Are you, uh..."

Cas lowered the book, looking at Dean. "Am I what?"

"Tired?" Dean offered up as the only alternative he could think of to what he really wanted to ask.

"A little but I'm not going to go to bed right now." He just waited.

"And when you do..." Dean padded his hands together in front of his body. "Will you be sleeping with me?" He stuttered over his words. "I don't mean sleeping with me, I mean sleeping-" He huffed. "Doesn't matter. Night." He disappeared.

_._

_Dean chuckled looking down as Cas. "What are you doing?"_

_Cas' hand stilled for a second but then it kept going to Dean's cheek. Dean closed his eyes. "Touching your cheek."_

_Dean laughed and opened his eyes. "I guessed that. Care to tell me why?"_

_Cas hadn't failed to notice that Dean hadn't moved from straddling him and wasn't stopping him touching him either. If anything he seemed to lean into it. "I don't know." Cas admitted._

_"I thought you needed to pee."_

_Cas looked over Dean's face. "I do."_

_Dean slowly dragged himself away from Cas, who's hand followed his face for a second and then stopped to fall to his chest. Dean stood and put his hand out for Cas, they both stumbled a little but Dean put his hand out to the wall and his left around Cas' waist to catch him. He pulled Cas close to him. "I got ya."_

_They stopped, looking at each other again. Dean slowly let go off the wall. Cas' hands had grabbed Dean's shoulders and he couldn't help but stare at Dean's open mouth. His lips were slightly swollen and his face flustered, as far as the bathroom light would let him see. Dean's hand slowly came up to Cas' face, just resting his thumb on Cas' chin the side of his index finger underneath._

_"Dean, what-"_

_"I don't know." Dean whispered he looked in Cas's eyes who couldn't help but look down to Dean's lips and that's when Dean leaned in. Cas closed the rest of the distance and the kiss they shared was one and soft._

_They pulled back to look each other in the eyes but neither could help but look down to the other's lips._

_"I really need to pee." Cas whispered and Dean started laughing. _

_He pulled back and looked down as he let Cas go. "Sorry."_

_"Don't be." Cas said and they shared a smile before Cas disappeared into the bathroom._

_When Cas came out, Dean was asleep on one side of the bed. He had kicked his shoes off, put his coat over a chair where it had then slipped off and to the floor. He was facing Cas and the bathroom wall but the covers were only over his front, they were clearly left that way for him. So Cas didn't think twice about kicking off his own shoes, pulling his coats off, going around to Dean's left, getting in and lying looking at the ceiling. He looked to Dean as he pulled the cover over him and then turned to face Dean's back. He slipped one arm up and lay his hand on Dean's left shoulder where he had the first time. After a second he dropped that hand and kissed Dean's shoulder before closing his eyes and falling asleep himself._

_._

Cas woke up. He opened his eyes in the dark and was facing Dean. It all came back to him as vividly as if it had all happened without the alcohol. Cas wondered to himself if he should tell Dean. If he should wake him up and tell him. But instead he watched his face, looking for signs of pain but he found none.

Dean sighed and then reached his left hand up the bed to rest on Cas' right as it lay there. Cas looked and then turned to lie on his back, letting Dean's hand fall to the bed. He couldn't tell him. That wasn't what he was here for and Dean was Dean. It never meant anything. Not to Dean.

.

When Dean woke up Cas was lying next to him in the bed asleep. He leaned up on his elbow looking to make sure when he heard something vibrate and he turned to pick up his phone.

"Yeah?" He whispered.

_"Dean?" _It was Sam. _"Why are you whispering, where are you?"_

"I'm in bed." Dean closed his eyes as soon as he said it. Whispered it.

_"And you're whispering because..."_

"Because, because..." Dean looked to Cas' sleeping figure and he turned away as he sat up with his back to Cas. "Because Cas is asleep okay?"

_"Really?" _Dean could hear the grin._"Tired, was he?"_

Dean huffed. "Sam, shut up."

_"I'm serious man, did you finally step up?"_

Dean turned to look at Cas, his chest rising and falling, before he turned back, still whispering. "No, I did not _step up_. I don't even know what that means."

_"Dean."_

"Sam." Dean sniped back.

_"Dean, you have feelings for him. Admit it."_

"Sam-"

_"Admit it."_

"I-" Dean stuttered. What the hell was he meant to say? "Alright, I will admit that there is _something_..." He looked back again. "Something more than friendship between me and Cas. But I don't know what you want me to do about it. It's completely one sided and just me being a douche." Dean couldn't believe he had just said that. Admitted that. Sam was annoying on the phone.

_"How does that make you a douche, Dean?"_

"Because, he's my friend. He's going through a lot and, what, I come along like 'I heard you last night and I can't stop thinking about it'." Dean widened his eyes and stood before running out of the room.

_"What was that?"_

"Ignore that bit." Dean closed the door over.

_"What, come on Dean."_

"You don't want to know, Sam."

Cas lay in the darkness of the bedroom with his eyes open. Completely frozen. That was a lot of information to get in thirty seconds.

_Sam thinks Dean likes him. Sam wants Dean to do something about it. Dean thinks there is something more between them. Dean thinks it's one sided. Dean thinks he would be being a horrible friend if he acted on it. Dean heard Cas and knew what he was doing. Dean can't stop thinking about it._

_And above all else. Dean would tell Sam. Okay maybe not above the others but it was certainly something to remember._

The door opened again and Cas shut his eyes. Dean peered in and then shut the door behind him. He put his cell back on the nightstand. He sat back on the bed and then eventually lowered back down to his back. After about ten seconds Cas felt something - Dean was, what was it he called it, 'spooning' him.

Again.


	11. Chapter 11

_It had to be a mess Sam, or you wouldn't believe it was your life._

Sam shot up from the bed. He let go of his breath and started panting before looking around the room.

_Just a dream, Sammy. _He heard Dean's voice say in his mind, in his memories. _You're fine._

Sam nodded and felt himself calm a little.

.

"Castiel?" Cas rolled his eyes as he pulled a file out, ignoring him. "Cas, please!"

"What is it, Crowley?" Cas directed over his shoulder.

"Come and talk to me." Cas screwed up his face pushing the file back in. "I'm so bored."

"Should have thought about that before you-"

"Before I what? Got screwed over by those psychopaths?" Cas turned to look. "Honestly, you show up to do a deal and you get handcuffs slapped on."

Cas leaned on the shelf facing Crowely through the wall unable to see him. "Don't act like you didn't love it."

There was a pause and when he spoke again Cas could tell Crowley was smiling. "Did you just make a dirty joke?"

"No." Cas pulled the door open and stood looking at Crowley. "You loved that they out smarted you." He pointed and stepped forward. "You were almost proud of them."

Crowley tilted his head. "Maybe." He looked back. "That was until the injections and the knight of Hell crashing in."

Cas scoffed. "Yeah, kind of changes the mood."

Crowley looked to the doorway and lowered his voice. "What's the story then?" Cas stared not understanding. "You and Dean?" He realised. "Spooning?"

Cas shrugged. "It was a tight space on the floor." Crowley raised his eyebrows, there was a twinkle in there, something Cas was sure couldn't be good so he had to shut it down. "Look, we were watching over Sam and we fell asleep. That's all." Crowley narrowed his eyes and Cas laughed a little. "I don't know what would make you think that it would be anything more than that." Cas knew that Crowley was basically handcuffed by Kryptonite but he still pushed back the image of himself in the shower, shouting Dean's name. "We're friends." He smiled. "It would never be more than that, I mean, come on, it's _Dean_."

They shared a laugh.

Just outside the room there was a man who was not laughing.

.

Dean sat in the main room with his feet up staring into space. Of course it didn't mean anything, he knew that. Cas was his friend, nothing more. He would never think of Dean like that, above all else he wasn't as much of a asshat as Dean was being right now, thinking about his friend that way when he was in need of help and support. Dean supposed it had been shampoo and Cas had finished washing his hair. Dean supposed he had imagined Cas shouting on him. Some paranoid reflex.

Cas walked along to the kitchen, taking the file with him, thinking about what he had said to Crowley. He felt a little guilty but he couldn't give the demon more ammunition. He refused to be another one of Dean's weaknesses, he never wanted to be a reason that Dean was beaten.

Dean thought about that night, not so long ago, when he had held a sobbing Cas to his chest and held the side of his face as his cries were muffled in his chest. He remembered telling him that everything would be okay and rocked him until he calmed enough to sleep. That's what friends would do, right?

Cas walked back into the main room. Dean was half-reading a book and he inhaled as Cas walked in, shuffling in his seat, and shook his concentration back to the page. Cas looked down remembering his confession to Sam on the phone and tried to stop the smile from forming.

"You alright?" Dean scratched his neck. "Get that file?"

Cas tapped it in his hands and raised it a little. "Did you find anything in the book?" Cas pointed.

"Not sure," Dean looked back at the pages, "can't read this bit." He knew it was Enochian but he didn't want to say.

Cas didn't say anything, if he had Dean probably would have handed him the book, but instead Cas walked and stood behind Dean. "Let me try." Cas muttered and then leaned forward, pressing his chest into the back of Dean's right shoulder, to put the file down on the table in front of them. Instead of leaving the file there and straightening up to stand behind him, Cas leaned his right hand on the table and moved his left to the back of Dean's chair.

Dean felt Cas' breath on the side of his face as he whisper-exhaled the first part of the sentence and he looked to the left closing his eyes. He tried to remind himself of what Cas had said to Crowley. It didn't mean anything.

Cas didn't miss the stifening of every muscle in Dean's body and he saw Dean's eye close. "It's Echochian." Cas lowered his voice a little and looked to the book as Dean opened his eyes again and shifted to look at what he was supposed to be looking at.

"Really?" Dean cleared his throat and rubbed his stubble with his right hand. Cas found himself glancing and wondering what that would feel like for him to do.

"Yes, it appears to be a proverb of some kind."

Dean turned, suddenly aware Cas was staring at him. They looked away from each other. "This would be a lot easier if I could understand this stuff." Dean muttered and Cas felt a little hurt. He could understand. If Dean could then what use would the Winchesters have for him? What use would he be to Dean?

Cas removed his right hand from the table and moved more behind Dean. "It's like any language." He pointed to the book. "This says 'night visions'," Dean looked as Cas moved his hands along the symbols, skipping one or two every now and again, "'days gone past', then 'days to come'." He smiled and turned his head to look at Dean.

Dean's brow dipped a little. "That makes no sense."

"Individual words translate different to a couple of words or a string of them." Dean just looked annoyed so Cas used his left hand to point too, he was almost completely pressed up against the back of Dean. "Look," he shifted, "individually this says 'visions pertaining to past days gone night' but," he used his hands to cover up various symbols, these two together translate to 'night visions' and these three mean 'days gone past', " he moved his hand so that his left rested on Dean's shoulder, not missing the turn of Dean's head, and he traced his right index finger along the first part of the sentence, "but if you take this line as a whole, it says 'dreams are related to the past'." He glanced at Dean who was looking back at the book. "Do you see?"

Dean paused a second before he uttered, "I think so." Cas smiled and they stared a second. "What does the rest say?"

Cas traced his finger along underneath the whole sentence. "'Dreams are related to the past but connected to the future.'" Cas smiled. "I like that." Dean stopped air coming out of his nose when Cas turned his head slightly to Dean. "Are you alright?"

Dean turned and looked into Cas' eyes, just as he was looking into Dean's. Very close. Cas was smiling but Dean's lips were parted a little. "Don't know." Dean croaked. There was a change in Cas as if he recognised the words and way they were said and Dean shot up out of the chair fumbling to put the book on the table in front of them. "So that's a dead end, I'm going to hit the head."

"Give me a second and I'll come with you." Cas straightened up and made to walk away.

"No!" Dean rushed and then looked down swallowing as Cas' smile fell. "I mean," he looked to the side, "I'm fine tonight, Cas."

"Okay." Cas muttered and Dean quickly left.

Just friends.

.

_"You're smiling." Dean glanced to Alistair. "Did you sort out your problem?"_

_Alistair walked beside him. "Yes. That problem won't bother us again."_

_Dean nodded. "Good. Let's get back to what we're supposed to be doing."_

_Alistair smiled. "Told you you were enjoying it." He glanced as Dean reluctantly smiled. He put his hand out and stopped them walking beside their door. "Wait." He smiled. "Brace yourself."_

_"For what?"_

_Alistair gave Dean a slap on the back of the head._

_Dean's vision blurred._

_"Bethany Michaels." He heard Alistair rumble and he seemed very distant._

_Dean was flooded with images of, well of a conception filled with hate, evil and force. He saw tears and blue lights, a decision made for a young girl by strict parents and a failed medical procedure. He saw a man smirking as the word 'acquitted' rang out and balled up tissues, a bag and a bus ticket. He saw a back alleyway where different blue lights blinked and the cries of a baby. He heard the EMT ask if the child had a name and a tearful teenager sniff the word 'Bethany'. He saw the stealing and the prostitution. He saw the sweet old lady across the landing who became the child's minder while the mother worked at the cafe she made up out of shame. He saw me the hand-me-down dirty clothes and the old lady sewing the holes while the child napped. He saw the hushed words between the kindegarden teachers and cruel jibes from peers through the later years. He saw the nights when Bethany would cry alone in her room silently so her mother couldn't hear because she knew that her mother cried just as much. He saw her hide the cuts and bruises that the kids inflicted on her and then he saw her hide the ones she inflicted on herself. He saw the pain when the old lady died and a loud abusive family moved in. Dean saw the arguments when Bethany, who wanted to be called 'Beth' now, asked about her father and got no answer. He saw when her mother lied and the pain when Beth caught her out. He saw the escalation in the fight and he saw the way her mother screamed the truth. He saw the denial and Beth locking herself in her room shouting that her mother was lying. He saw her run to the library the next day, instead of school, and look at old newspapers on-line. He saw when she saw.  
_

_Dean saw the way she ran home and burst into an empty flat. He saw her cry and cry. He saw her calm and quieten. He saw the minute she made up her mind and he saw her open the medicine cabinet. He saw her mother serving at the cafe that she hadn't needed to lie about any more as her child opened the bottle. He saw the worry on the mother's face as she watched the clock for her shift end and Bethany convulsing on the bathroom floor._

_He saw the light leave her eyes._

_Dean took a sharp inhale as he fell against the wall behind him and put his elbows out to stop himself._

_"That." Alistair smirked._

_"A little more warning next time." Dean said a little breathless. "Is that how you saw me?" Alistair nodded. "Even the... beginning?"_

_Alistair nodded. "Got to hand it to your dad-"_

_"No." Dean cut him off and glared. "Never."_

_Alistair put his hands up in defeat then gestured to the door. "Let's see what you can do at full capacity."_

_Dean blew out and shook his shoulders. He opened the door. "Miss Michaels." Dean smiled. "Do you prefer 'Bethany' or 'Beth'?"_

_._

Dean sat up in his bed. He was shaking and covered in sweat. He felt so alone. He knew, even as he turned to look, that he was alone in bed but even his dream had felt lonely. How was that possible?

He put his hand to his forehead and it kept shaking.

Dean's phone vibrated and he turned to look before opening it. "Sam, you alright?"

Sam was a little breathless. "Dean."

Dean's face changed. "Sammy?"

Dean could hear Sam gulp. "It was bad, Dean."

"What was?" Dean sat up properly. "Did the demon get you?"

"No." Sam shuffled on the other end. "No, I got that ass." Dean internally smirked. Of course he did. "No, I had..." He hesitated.

"Sam, talk to me." Dean felt himself still shaking.

"I had a dream." Dean's brow scrunched and he listened. "I had another dream, Dean."

Dean wiped his brow. "Alright, okay. Sam, listen to me." He exhaled away from the phone as he felt sick. "It was just a dream, an echo of days past, okay?" Days past? "You listen to me, you are not in the cage any more." Dean didn't even have to ask what it was about. "You beat him and you are here. You're here with me."

"And Cas?"

Dean paused and nodded. "And Cas. I will be there for you, forever, no matter what. Cas got you out and we all got the real you back. Remember that?"

Sam sighed relaxing. "Yeah. He got us out, didn't he? He's always there for us, no matter his own pain." Sam seemed to exhale to himself, calming further. "We always have each other but above that we have him too, don't we?"

Dean felt himself relax a little. "Yeah, Sammy. It was a just an echo." He nodded. "It's all in the past."

Sam sighed. "Okay. I'm sorry I woke you. Are you alright?"

Dean paused. "It's alright. I'm fine, Sam." He sensed his brother would be okay now so he had to go back to ball buster. "Get back to sleep and I want you getting your ass back here first thing."

Sam scoffed. "Alright. Goodnight Dean, thanks."

"Any time." Dean whispered.

The phone was hung up on both sides and Dean held it as he looked to the doorway thinking about that sobbing Cas. He slowly stood and walked towards the door thinking about the Cas who had grabbed his cell and not his shoes. He walked to the room next to his, to Cas' room. He wasn't sure if he should knock the door or not and he was about to try it when he heard a noise.

He placed his ear to the door.

"I'm so sorry." Cas was whispering from inside. "I didn't mean to do it, I really didn't. I know what my orders were, I was to watch, to observe and not do anything more or less than I was told, Father." Dean realised that Cas was praying. "I was tricked and I was used." He sniffed. "And I'm trying to fix it, I will do anything to fix it. I promise you that." He paused. "But that's not what I wanted to ask for forgiveness for, I will earn that forgiveness as I mean to earn this one. I have done something sinful." He paused. "I have done many things sinful." Dean smirked a little. "But this one is most troubling. I have betrayed a friend." Dean was listening now. "My dear friend, my saviour, if I could be permitted to use such a phrase at the moment, Father." There was another sniff. "He saved me from myself, they both did, so many times. I was on a self-destructive path that would have taken many other casualties with it, many more than it did. Than _I_ did." The bed squeaked a little. "But I came here to support my friends. They were at a very painful and terrible time in their lives, Sam ill and their plans dashed, the whole of Hell left to roam for the sake of brotherly love." Dean looked down listening harder. "And in the middle of this, in the middle of his pain and despair, he not only _assumed_ he _had_ to help me as well, but he would _not_ let me leave. Do you understand, Father? He refused, they both did but Dean," there was a pause and Dean wondered if he had forced Cas to stay, "Dean refused to let me go even when it would be of most benefit to them. I didn't want to go, of course I didn't, but I felt that I was a burden." Dean shook his head. "I had laid my own bed, no one had done that for me. While they tried to seal demons in Hell I went off and made everything a hundred times worse. And he just said 'you don't need shoes in the Impala'." Dean smiled as he heard Cas laugh. "And then I did this to him." Dean's smile fell. "He thinks it's one sided." Dean lifted his head. "He thinks that it makes him a bad person. He blames himself. Even after everything, he immediately assumes he's being a bad person." Dean's lips parted. "If it makes _him_ a bad person, what does it make me? You saw what I did," he paused again, "in the shower." Dean looked to the ceiling thinking about that. "It may have been the only time I acted on it but it is not the only time I have felt that way." Dean had to go in, he had to walk in there and kiss Cas, tell him that nothing mattered, they'd get through it all. They would. Together. Just like Sam said. "And you heard what I said to Crowley." Dean thought about that. "I am sorry for my lies Father," that's it, Dean was going in, he placed his hand on the door knob, "but all I do is cause him pain." Dean paused. "I will not let Crowley use me to make Dean hurt, again, I will not be the reason why Dean's face looks like that." He sighed. "That is why I ask you for forgiveness, Father, and a little patience. I will get over this and I will resume being a proper friend to the Winchesters and I will try to undo what I did." Dean's hand fell. "I just need time." Dean's head fell. "Will you please give me the time to earn back my friendship?"

Dean turned and walked back into his room.


	12. Chapter 12

Dean heard the door to the base open and he was out of his chair before it closed. He looked up as he threw his jacket on and Sam smiled.

"Hey, where are you going?" Sam ran down the stairs.

"Dude, I need to talk to you." Dean whispered and pushed him back the way he had just came.

"What?" Sam tried to stop Dean pushing him. "Why can't we-"

"Shut up!" Dean whispered harshly and looked over his shoulder towards the corridor.

Sam widened his eyes and almost asked why. "Wh-"

"Just shut up." Dean whispered back.

"Well," Sam was whispering now, "why are we leaving?"

"Because I need to talk to you!"

The boys began whisper bickering.

"-I know that Dean-"

"-why are you asking-"

"-but why can't we talk here-"

"-will you just get out-"

"Everything alright?" Cas appeared in the doorway. "Sam, you're back." He smiled stirring his drink.

Sam and Dean turned smiling as if nothing was going on. "Hey Cas, yeah."

"Did you take care of that demon then?" He walked towards the table.

"Yeah." Cas smiled. "How's your back?" Sam looked to Dean. "Did you guys manage to work it out?"

Dean glared at Sam and Cas knew he was asking something else.

"Well, I-" Dean began a little bashful.

"My back's fine thanks." Dean turned as Cas sat down and then looked up smiling again. "I'm lucky I have friends who have so many skills." He looked down at the book in front of him and didn't see Dean's smile fall.

"We're just going to head out." Dean pointed and pushed Sam a little. "Get some things and grab a beer."

Cas nodded again. "Fine."

"Catch up." Dean added. "Do you need anything?" Cas shook his head. "Alright." Sam mouthed at him in question, pointing to Cas, and Dean shook his head mouthing a threat back and pushed him towards the stairs again.

Sam reluctantly went after a sigh of defeat and let Dean rush him out of the base. The door closed and Cas looked up. The space would be good for him to get himself together. Right?

"_Now_, will you tell me?"

Dean opened the door to the Impala. "Yeah, just get in, jackass."

"Oh, so we're _actually_ going for supplies and a beer?" Sam ran around the car. Dean raised his eyebrow at him as he lowered himself into the car and slammed the door. "Cool."

They took off down the road. "You have to stop, Sam." Sam looked to Dean who seemed a little tired. "You have to stop with the asking about Cas and me." Sam sighed and looked forward. "I'm serious, Sam." Dean looked at him.

"Why?" Sam looked. "You said yourself there's something more there."

"Sam..." Dean looked back to the road and shook his head.

"What happened?" Sam raised his eyebrows as Dean glanced at him. "Tell me. Give me one good reason," Sam pointed, "one good, _true_ reason and I'll stop."

Dean looked and then sighed. "After we spoke last night, I thought about what you said." Sam looked to the side confused. "About how Cas is always there for us no matter what he's going through." Dean sighed. "Cas has been sleeping in my bed for a few nights because..." He swallowed. "Well, it doesn't matter why but it's not why you think."

"Dean, please."

Dean looked at Sam's expression. He was worried and pleading Dean to tell him. To open up. But what Dean really noticed was how tired he looked. And then he saw something else. Pleading, not just that Dean would open up, but that Dean understood what Sam was going through. It wasn't on the surface because they weren't talking about that but Dean almost sensed it sitting in the background, behind one of those worried crinkles that were fatigued, Dean saw Sam's need for the brother who comforts him in the night to not just be there but understand, even a little. Dean looked back to the road.

"You're not the only one who still dreams..." He paused.

"About Hell?" Sam almost whispered.

Dean slowly nodded. "Yeah."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Sam didn't whine it, he didn't shout it. He almost choked on it.

Dean turned to look and all he saw was guilt. "Hey." Sam looked and Dean glanced between him and the road. "Don't you do that. Don't go thinking I didn't tell you because you came to me about _your_ dreams."

"Well, if not that, why? And why did you go to Cas?"

"I didn't _go_ to Cas." Dean glared at Sam. "I didn't plan on telling anyone. Hell is a time that confuses me." He tightened his hands on the wheel. "I told you I enjoyed it and I won't take that back. When I'm dreaming about it, I don't feel scared, I don't feel guilt." He turned the car onto a main road. "Cas popped in to check one night and saw me sweating and mumbling in my sleep. I don't tell him exactly what I dream and he doesn't ask."

"If you're not scared why are you sweating and mumbling?" Sam ran a hand through his hair.

"Because I'm not scared." Sam lowered his brow looking at Dean. "I'm terrified when I wake up, I can hear my heart pounding in my ears and I'm covered in sweat because I dream, Sam. I don't have nightmares about my time there, I _dream_. I enjoyed my time there and I enjoy remembering it."

Sam nodded looking back to the road. "Okay." He exhaled and Dean looked. "I get that, Dean. It doesn't make you a bad person for craving being in control, craving being the one giving out pain instead of taking it." Dean glanced. "It's like self-harm." Dean was listening intently. "It might not be healthy and it's screwed up to people who don't understand it but it's control. It's about deciding _when_ you feel pain, just how much and being able to stop it." Dean looked at Sam, he seemed to go a little solemn. "There is nothing wrong with needing to take the wheel, Dean."

"Sam?" Sam looked up. "Have you ever...?"

Sam shook his head without surprise. "No. I have thought about it though."

There was a little silence.

"In all honestly, hunting and all the things you do is self-harm, Dean." He gestured with his hands. "You constantly sacrifice yourself for me. You drink so much that you can't even get drunk like a normal person any more. You jump into bed with random women knowing that you can never really have a normal relationship and life." Dean tilted his head. "And the fact that you've even admitted to Cas that you needed a little support, even if it was just knowing that someone was there to bring you out of it if it got too much?" Dean glanced over. "That's probably the first thing you've done since Lisa that isn't destructive."

.

They didn't say anything more about it until they pulled away from the gas n sip.

"So that's why Cas has been sleeping in your bed?" Sam asked cautiously.

"Yeah." Dean croaked a little. He was embarrassed admitting it.

"You didn't finish what you were saying earlier, after you said that."

Dean thought back to his original point. "Well last night, last night I was alone."

"Why?"

"Because I heard Cas talking to Crowley and saying that us falling asleep on your floor together was nothing. I mean of course it was nothing but..." Dean sighed. "He said that it was nothing because it was me."

"What do you mean?" Dean didn't answer. "As in-"

"As in he said 'I mean, it's _Dean_' like that." Sam sighed. "I always thought that Cas hardly even noticed people in general, never mind like that. But it was just me." They pulled into a bar parking lot and climbed out. "Anyway, after we spoke I thought about how I'm making this all about me. He cried, Sam."

"When?" Sam opened the door to the bar and they walked in.

"That night after the angels fell, he couldn't stop crying."

"Is that why you slept like that?" Sam looked apologetic as he asked while they stood at the bar.

"Yeah, I held him to my chest and he sobbed for a _long_ time, Sammy. So I thought, maybe he's not the only one who needs a little support. I heard him praying, he was saying how-" Dean stopped talking when the barman walked over. "Hey, two beers." The barman nodded and Dean didn't talk again until they had their drinks and the barman walked away. "He heard me on the phone to you, Sam, that morning, he heard what I said."

Sam's eyes widened a little. "About it being one-sided?"

"Yeah. He basically admitted that," he paused, "that it wasn't."

Sam rushed himself to swallow. "He likes you too?"

"Yeah." Dean scrunched up his face. "No. I mean he said I think it's one sided, that I blame myself but come on Sammy, I don't like him." Sam raised his eyebrows and gave Dean a doubtful look. "I mean I do but not like _that_, I mean-" He sighed and rubbed his face with his free left hand. "I don't know what I mean." He turned to Sam, thinking about it. "When I said I heard him..."

"Yeah, what did that mean, was that then?"

"No." Dean shook his head a little embarrassed. "I heard him shout on me so I went to see what he wanted. He was in the shower."

"Why would he shout on you while he was in the-" Dean's expression didn't change and his eyes moved to Sam's. "No!" Sam's head, as well as his voice, lowered a little in shock. "He was-"

"Yep."

"Are you su-"

"Yep."

"And he called your-"

"Yep."

Dean and Sam fell silent.

"Now did you actually see him-"

"No!" Dean shifted and leaned back a little.

"So how do you know he-"

"I saw... stuff." Sam's eyes widened. "And he admitted it anyway." Sam pointed to him as if about to ask. "No, not to me. In his prayer." Sam nodded. "He said that he felt like a bad person because he was supposed to be my friend. Both of our friends." Dean leaned to Sam. "He said both of ours. But he feels like by thinking these things he's betraying me. How crazy is that?"

"Dean," Dean looked at Sam, "you said the same thing to me on the phone. You said you felt like a douche because he was your friend and he was there for your help, basically."

Dean seemed to remember. "Yeah, well I do and he is. And it doesn't matter anyway because he asked for forgiveness and time."

"For what?"

Dean moved the beer closer to his mouth. "To get over his feelings." He took a swig. "To be my friend again."

Sam sighed and took his own drink.

.

Cas lay in his bed and tossed and turned. He couldn't sleep. He was halfway between worrying about Dean and Sam and how he was going to solve this fallen angel, locked heaven mess. His mind was in overdrive. Sam seemed to be recovering well, he had even took a demon down. They were nowhere closer to figuring out how to open Heaven again and there was Abbadon and Crowley to deal with. Crowley was vermin but in this case he seemed like the lesser of two evils. Or at least he seemed more about numbers than about being a demon for the sake of it. Crossroads demon to the end, it seems.


	13. Chapter 13

I realise that the last bit of the last chapter sounded like the start of a new one but it was just what Cas was doing while those two were out. This is that night, the boys have stumbled back and gone to bed.

So I started doing this thing on my other story where I answer reviews in story so I'm going to do that from now on. If you don't want to read it skip to the line.

Guest - chapter 4: Thank you so much!

angles182 - chapter 6: I know I inboxed you an answer to this but I love when Sam gets Dean because he is so sneaky and Dean is reeled right in.

Momo42 - chapter 12: I was so happy to see your name, I love that you read Down at the pier and then moved over to this one! Thank you for that! Aw really? Thank you! I had semi abandoned this and "Staying Human" while I updated Datp but now I'm back. The updates will be slower on these since I'm researching but I will try to keep these going. Hope you like!

* * *

Sam thought about what that demon had spat at him. How he would always need someone to look after him, how he would never be dependable and how everyone around him would soon realise that he was not worth the sacrifices they had been making. And then what? When people stopped grinding themselves down just so that he could breathe again, what was Sam going to do then? And say, against the odds, that they didn't stop. That Dean, they had singled him out for this point, that Dean would never stop putting little Sammy before everyone, even before himself. Especially himself. What then? Could Sam continue to watch his brother struggle to hold everything together around them while he himself was barely held together by will power and the lack of any other solution?

Sam lay looking at the ceiling while all of this rang through his head. Every scream of pain he had heard escape Dean's lips, every admittance of defeat in the face of Sam's safety and every person he had thrown under the bus to save his little brother.

Sam sighed and hauled himself up from the bed and turned to walk towards the kitchen when he heard a noise. It sounded like mumbling. It was coming from Dean's room. He slowly walked towards it wondering who he was talking to.

_"Do you remember your old teacher, the one who was our project?"_

_"Mr Zutterberg?" Dean was washing his hands in a sink. "What about him?" The water was as red as the rest of the skin on his neck and face._

_"You said you were doing this so Sam didn't have to." Alistair watched him intently._

_Dean froze for a second and then ran his hands under the water. "So?" He splashed his face and then continued to wash it._

_"Why the 'holier than thou' attitude?" Dean tilted his face towards him, still over the sink to let the drips run into it._

_"It was the truth." He started to rinse his face more and moved to his neck._

_"Maybe in some way."_

_Dean grabbed a towel and began to wipe his face as he moved towards Alistair. "In every way. I don't even need to admit to you that I enjoy this. I'm not going to deny it."_

"-enjoy this-" Dean moaned. Sam pushed the door open slightly. "-not... Deny it-"

_"Regardless of the rush I get doing this or the tingle of my spine when we break someone-"_

"-break someone-"

_"-this all started out because I decided that if it was between me and Sam down here doing this-"_

"-between me and Sam-"

_"-then I would do do everything to make sure it would be me-"_

"-it would be me-" Sam's face dropped as he listened to the mumbles he could catch from his brother.

_"-so while I'm here we can talk about how much I enjoy this or how good I am at it-"_

"-I'm here-"

_"-but always remember that this started because of Sam-"_

"-because of Sam-" Sam turned away and walked to another door before pushing it gently open.

_"-and because I love him more than I love anything."_

"-because I love him."

_"Even yourself?" Alistair asked, a little lower than he had spoken before._

_"Especially myself." Dean replied._

_Alistair gestured to the sink. "Why do you insist on doing that?"_

_"I did it after every hunt." Dean replied._

_ Alistair clicked his fingers and the whole bathroom disappeared. __"Old habits die hard."_

"Cas?" Sam whispered into the room as he stepped in. "Castiel?"

Cas stirred in the bed. "Sam?" He turned to look. "Is everything okay?" Sam could only see what the light from the hallway lit up but Cas was rubbing his face and his eyes were reacting to the light with distaste.

"No." Sam sighed. "Dean's having another nightmare."

Cas sighed as he sat up. "Have you tried waking him?"

Sam shook his head. "I think he needs _you_ right now."

Cas paused and looked at the floor. "He said-"

"Cas," Sam shuffled on the spot, "surely you know by now that what Dean says and what Dean means are generally completely opposite things." Cas rubbed his forehead. "He heard you."

Cas' head shot to Sam's. Cas knew that Dean had heard him in the shower but he thought Dean had elected not to tell Sam about that.

"When you were praying." Sam muttered. "He was giving you what you wanted." Cas looked over what little of Sam's face he could see as he turned to look out of Cas' door. "Regardless of what's going on between you or not going on between you, right now he's your friend and a friend is exactly what he needs."

Cas inhaled and nodded to himself once before standing. Sam was right. There was a lot to think about from what Sam had said but right now his friend was in distress. Cas walked passed Sam and the younger Winchester put a reassuring hand on Cas' right shoulder briefly as he passed into the hallway.

Cas walked to Dean's door which Sam had left ajar and heard the mumbling. He paused and then took a step inside, leaning on the doorknob, he looked at Dean tossing this way and that straining against nothing with pain on his face. Cas closed the door behind him quietly without looking away from Dean and briefly heard Sams footsteps pad passed towards the main room. He walked over to the bed and saw the layer of sweat on Dean's skin, he turned on his left side and Cas cautiously sat down beside him.

"Dean?" Cas whispered.

"Beth," Cas' eyes narrowed, "I understand how you feel," Dean muttered turning as if he was going to lie on his back again but then changing his mind and rolling back toward Cas, "you feel rotten, dead..." He grunted. "Not a joke." He bared his teeth and let out a harsh, pain filled moan before going back to laboured breaths.

"Dean?" Cas lifted his left hand and lightly touched it to the side of Dean's forehead. He reacted to the touch as if it stung for a second. Cas lifted his hand but then Dean's face screwed up again. It was just then that Cas realised it had relaxed at his touch. "Dean," Cas touched him again and he reacted the same way but when Cas lightly rubbed over his hair and Dean quietened Cas did it again and again, just as soft, "wake up, Dean."

_Alistair looked up to the side. "Dean." Dean turned. "That problem."_

_"It's back?" Dean turned from the woman he had at his mercy. She was crying and whimpering, she seemed to let out a sob as Dean's torture stopped._

"Dean." Cas leaned down towards Dean. "It's me," Dean was starting to stir properly, his face changing from pain to confusion as he roused,"it's Castiel."

"Cas?" Dean muttered, still half asleep.

Cas pressed his forehead to the side of Dean's face. "Yes, it's Cas. I'm here." Dean took a sharp inhale as he woke properly. "It's just a dream."

Dean was awake now and aware that Cas was touching him. Touching his forehead to Dean's temple and his hand was cupping the back of Dean's head. His voice was so soft against Dean's skin.

"It's just a dream, Dean." Cas whispered again.

"It is?" Dean whispered back.

Cas nodded as much as he could against Dean's skin.

Dean made to turn slowly so that Cas would move to let him. Cas lifted his head a little but his hand followed the back of Dean's head as it turned. "Just a dream?" Dean whispered again.

"Just a dream." Cas confirmed.

It didn't feel like a dream to Dean, and yet it did. It was so real to him that it couldn't have been. Cas was in his room and touching him. Cas was telling him it was just a dream. It felt so real but then again, not.

So Dean decided to test it.

He leaned up a little, he touched the left side of the tip of his nose touch the side of Cas' and stroked it once before looking into Cas' eyes. Cas moved forward barely a centimetre before he retreated. Dean's left hand lifted slowly and he let the first knuckles of his fingers lightly stroke over Cas' right cheek, Cas' eyes fluttered closed at the touch and that's when Dean closed the gap and kissed him, closing his own eyes too. It was soft but firm, it took Cas a mere millisecond to respond even though he had hoped Dean would do that, it was enough to make both of them inhale sharply and Dean's finger trailed back so that he could cup the back of Cas' head as Cas pulled him closer the same way.

Dean tilted his head to the left and let Cas pull him closer still as he felt the sweat dry on his skin. Cas lifted his right hand and held Dean's left wrist as Dean shuffled to sit up properly, he then stroked down his forearm as their breathing filled the air with the clicks of saliva, he cupped his elbow and then stroke up his arm before his hand came to rest of Dean's shoulder.

Dean stopped kissing Cas as he turned his head to look at Cas' hand.

"This isn't a dream." Dean whispered before he looked back to Cas, his left hand still cupping the back of Cas' head.

"No." Cas shook his head. "You're in your bed. It was just a dream." Cas seemed to realise. "I meant _that_ was a dream, not me being here. I'm sorry." He let go of Dean and made to pull away but Dean just tightened his grip of Cas' head and Cas stopped.

"Cas?" Dean's lips were parted and he wasn't sure if he had stopped breathing of if he was breathing heavier than normal. "Stay."

Cas slowly nodded.

They lay down together, Dean lay his head on Cas' left shoulder and Cas' hand wrapped around his back while his other stroked Dean's hair.

_"Shit!" Alistair ran from the room and left Dean on his own again. Whatever it was that was causing Alistair to panic, and the other demons to talk, it wasn't going away so easily._

_._

Sam was the first up, when he noticed Cas' door was still open he poked his head in to see the bed empty. He looked to Dean's closed door as he passed it and headed to the main room.

Dean and Cas lay in the bed, Dean awake and staring at the ceiling. To say that Dean was on the edge of freaking out would be an understatement. The memories floated around in his head; the way Cas had pressed his forehead against Dean's temple and whispered reassurance against his skin, the way Cas' eyes had closed when Dean had touched his cheek, the feeling of Cas' tongue rubbing against his and the slight scratch of his finger through Dean's hair as he pulled Dean to him. Cas turned in the bed to face Dean and sighed contented and Dean turned his head to look at the messy hair, swollen lips and skin, the crease on the side of his face and the way he rubbed his face into the pillow a couple of times, messing his hair up further, before settling with a little smile.

Dean hauled himself out of bed and grabbed a shirt, pulling it over his head before exiting the room and walking as fast as he could. Panic in full swing. He walked right into Sam just turning out of the main room.

"Whoa!" They hit each other and stepped back.

"Sorry." Dean mumbled and continued into the room where he stopped.

"What's wrong?" Sam watched him.

He slowly looked around him. "What?" No, nothing." He scratched his head and thought. There was a rising anxiety in his chest and he needed to get rid of it. Dean knew how to relieve stress in four ways.

Sex, fist fight, booze and emptying a clip.

Completely ignoring the first one, Dean turned to look at Sam who was just staring at him with a cocked eyebrow. As much as he would like to he couldn't find a viable reason for beating the living shit out of his brother. Well... No, no couldn't do that. He grabbed a bottle off the shelf and headed down the corridor.

Sam followed him. "What's wrong?"

"I told you, nothing." Dean pulled the wrapper from the bottle top and turned into the range.

"Yeah but it's eight in the morning and although it's not usually cause for concern to see you drinking this early," Dean furrowed his brow and sighed annoyed as he picked up a box of ammunition and walked over to the middle lane which was set up, "you're acting strange."

Dean took a swig of the bottle and slammed it down on the counter and proceeded to cock his already full gun. "Really, Sam?" He lined it up and shot once. "Am I?" He then emptied the clip. "Because usually I would disagree with you." He started filling the clip again as Sam watched him with worry. "You know me, I would tell you to stop bugging me, but lately, I don't know," he smacked the clip in and picked up the bottle in the other hand, "I think you're right." He then put the gun in his left hand, took gulps from the bottle with his right as he was firing staring at Sam who looked down the lane.

"What happened?" Sam watched him reload without answering. When he picked up the bottle Sam took it. "Dean."

Dean fixed him a tense glare and then aimed the gun at him. "The scotch is only for grown ups."

Sam hit the gun away from him. "You're the only one acting like a child right now."

Dean aimed the gun back at him. "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah." Sam sighed. "If this is about you and Cas-"

"There is no me and Cas." Dean went Blue Steel and turned back to the lane emptying the clip.

"What? Why?" Sam looked over Dean's face as he refused to look at Sam again.

"There never was Sam." Dean hit the clip in. "We're hunters and he's a fallen angel. And he's a dude." Sam sighed. "You can get pissed all you want bro, you know I don't care about what other people do with their lives but," he tilted and shook his head, "this is not what happens, okay?" He gestured to Sam. "You go screwing demons and I..." He trailed off.

"And what was Anna?" Dean looked to Sam. "Oh wait, yeah, she was a she." He nodded and made to walk away. "I thought I knew you."

"Yeah well, I thought I knew me too." Dean emptied yet another clip as Sam turned around.

"What is it that's bothering you Dean? That you like a guy? Or that you've never liked a guy before? What?"

"You wouldn't understand." Dean muttered as he reached for the alcohol and took a swig.

Sam walked forward again. "You're right, I wouldn't, because I'm not psychic any more." He pointed to his head as Dean let out a little laugh and put the bottle back down. "You actually need to say things out loud now."

"I kissed him." Dean slammed the clip in and looked up to Sam. "You happy?"

Sam scoffed. "That's it?"

Dean turned, giving Sam a face of confusion and anger. "What do you mean 'that's it?' that's enough." Sam was still laughing. "I will shoot you if you don't shut up."

"So what?" Sam smiled and shook his head. "That's a good thing."

"Just how exactly is that a good thing?" Dean stopped to look at him.

"How is it not?" Sam took a swig of the bottle himself. "I know that you might be a little confused right now but, come on, you like someone, you kiss them, that's kind of how it goes." Dean inhaled and looked back to the lane. "And it wouldn't have happened if you didn't want it to."

"How do you figure that?" Dean raised the gun.

"I kissed him." Dean turned his head to look at Sam. "That's what you just said, 'I kissed him'," Dean shrugged not seeing it, "not we kissed or he kissed me, _you_ kissed _him_." He gestured the bottle to Dean. "You made the first move."

Dean lowered his gun. "Yeah," he looked to Sam, "that's the scariest part." He turned and leaned his back on the lane shelf and looked to the wall. "I always had this part to play in life," Sam leaned on the shelf with his right hand and listened, "I was to look after you for Dad, I was to do whatever Dad told me, in more ways than a normal kid but even to strangers I had this template that I had to fit into." He shuffled. "They would say things like 'he'll be a heart breaker'," Sam laughed, "or I was going to be a good hunter just like my Dad, or I was to hold my beer better." He sighed and looked down.

"Dean, just because people set those out doesn't mean you had to step into them."

Dean looked up. "But I did, didn't I? I listened to the music and I wore the clothes and I flashed the smile." He turned back to the lane. "I picked up the chicks, I loved 'em and left 'em." He emptied the clip again. "This is different."

Sam nodded. "I get that it's gonna be a bit of a change Dean, I mean you're stepping out of the template but..." He sighed. "How much different is it really, between liking a woman and liking a guy?" Dean looked to Sam a little part of his forehead tensing and Sam realised before Dean took a hold of the bottle. "But it's not just that, is it?"

Dean finished his gulp and lowered the bottle. "This isn't just a random gi-" he sighed, "dude in a bar, this is Cas." He shrugged. "I don't know where everything stands, what the skinny is."

"Have you tried asking?" Sam lowered his head a little and Dean laughed which made Sam smile. "Because Cas isn't psychic any more either." He pointed to his head. "Angel radio is out of range."

Dean nodded. "I know." He inhaled. "For what it's worth," he paused looking at Sam, "Cas isn't the first guy I've ever liked."

"Oh." Sam relaxed. "What happened with that?"

Dean sniffed. "Chickened out."


	14. Chapter 14

Back again, sorry it's been so long in between updates but I've been up to my eyes in research for some more stories. They just keep coming to me and none of them are short or easy. It's madness! Anyway, quick review then back to our boys.

Momo42: Chapter 13 - Hello again, do you mean the scene between Sam and Dean or the massage one. I liked Sam getting one over on Dean and I had to put in a little massage number that I'll prob reference again. Sorry, it's taken so long. I don't torture on purpose, I swear. *looks away innocently*

Back to it.

* * *

_"I really need to pee." Cas whispered and Dean started laughing._

_He pulled back and looked down as he let Cas go. "Sorry."_

_"Don't be." Cas said and they shared a smile before Cas disappeared into the bathroom._

_When Cas came out, Dean was asleep on one side of the bed. He had kicked his shoes off, put his coat over a chair where it had then slipped off and to the floor. He was facing Cas and the bathroom wall but the covers were only over his front, they were clearly left that way for him. So Cas didn't think twice about kicking off his own shoes, pulling his coats off, going around to Dean's left, getting in and lying looking at the ceiling. He looked to Dean as he pulled the cover over him and then turned to face Dean's back. He slipped one arm up and lay his hand on Dean's left shoulder where he had the first time. After a second he dropped that hand and kissed Dean's shoulder before closing his eyes and falling asleep himself._

Cas was instantly awake. He kept seeing that over and over again; the two of them fall to the floor and stare at each other before Dean pulled him up and they shared a kiss. Cas would lie down behind Dean and go to sleep. Then Cas would wake up wherever he actually was and sigh. He still couldn't figure out if it was a dream or a memory yet but when he woke up another memory came into play as he looked at the empty space beside him. Another kiss and this one was definitely not a dream.

Cas hauled himself up out of the bed and wandered into his room to grab a towel and head for the shower. When he got out he walked back to his room and fought with his underwear as he dragged them up his damp skin. He turned when he sensed someone approach. Dean stood looking at him, hands in his pants pockets and some expression on his face that Cas couldn't put a name to.

"Hey." Dean whispered. "Can I come in?"

"Uh," Cas hastily sat and pulled the bed sheet over his legs, "sure."

Dean gave a weary little smile as he walked forward and rubbed his hands together in front of him before gesturing to the bed beside Cas who nodded and turned a little as Dean sat down. "Listen, about last night-"

Cas cut him off with a little knowing smile. "It's okay, I understand."

Dean paused. "You do?"

Cas nodded. "You were disorientated from your nightmare," Dean inhaled and straightened up, "and I confused you with what I said. Forget about it." Cas almost choked on his next words. "I have."

"You have?" Dean's eyebrows lifted in, what Cas could only assume, was relief.

Cas nodded. "It was nothing." He rubbed the towel against the back of his hair trying to keep up the act.

"Nothing." Dean repeated as he looked to the floor. "Right, good to know." He slowly stood and walked out of the room. Cas frowned looking after him, he didn't seem happy with what Cas had said. Maybe he knew Cas was lying but what else would he say? _It's all I wanted to do for a long time and I think, perhaps, even longer than I was aware of. _That wouldn't help Cas get his friend back, would it?

Dean walked out of the room and along the corridor into the main room.

"Did you talk to him?" Sam looked up, whispering a little, looking to the doorway. Dean nodded, his face tense and ... Sam couldn't decide if it was confusion or hurt... Or both. "Well?"

"Well what, Sam?" Dean snapped. "It's sorted." He let out a bitter laugh. "It was nothing." He walked away towards the kitchen and Sam sighed, letting his book drop a little.

_What the hell? _

Sam looked back to the doorway and sat there for a good ten or fifteen minutes contemplating. Then got up. He knew what he had to do, he had to bang their bloody heads together but first of all Sam had to talk to _him_. He walked down the corridor and down the stairs, turning the light on. He slowly wandered towards the shelf, listening to his footsteps echo. He stopped and sighed before pulled the shelves open to look down at him.

"Hello Moose." Crowley smiled.

.

Dean was being a bit weird. He was stressed, and as was said before Dean dealt with stress and confusion and... feelings, in one or more of four ways - sex, booze, fist fights or shooting. But the thing was he didn't want any of it. He could jump in his car right now and go pick up a chick but when he thought about it he decided that wasn't what he wanted. He'd had a lot of booze that morning and his stomach was protesting even though he's just filled it was a grilled cheese sandwich. So he was left with two options - beat the living shit out of some unsuspecting guy or gank an SOB. He wasn't really one for starting fights with people who didn't deserve it and he had pretty much spent his morning in the shooting range before he'd decided to man up. He'd made the decision to go and talk to Cas, see what the skinny was. And well, he'd certainly got his answer hadn't he?

_It was nothing._

To Cas, their kiss was nothing.

_Forget about it. I have._

He'd already dismissed it to a memory. A memory that meant nothing. Dean got to the garage, he had decided to go there and do some work on his baby but when he got there all he wanted to do was drive. See some open road. Everything made sense when Dean was at the wheel, everything was simple and easy. So before he knew it he was jumping in his car and he was away. He pulled out of the garage and drove out in no particular direction.

.

Cas was in the kitchen moving the utensils that someone had used to make some kind of sandwich. Had to be Dean. He moved it all out of the way and started to prepare an omelette. He'd read about it in one of those books Dean kept lying around but Cas decided to try the modifications Dean had pencilled in at the side - a lot of cheese, meat, onions and peppers.

Basically it was a burger omelette.

And, Cas decided later, it was disgusting.

.

"You're a manipulative bastard, right?" Sam pulled a chair close and burled it around to straddle it.

"Flattery will get you everywhere." Crowley quipped and Sam scoffed. "Who are you trying to be the puppet master of?"

Sam turned to him as if deciding whether or not to say anything. "Say," he shuffled in his seat, "that you know two people who like each other," Crowley's head turned a little, "a lot."

Crowley rolled his eyes. "Are you five?"

Sam sighed again, getting annoyed. "Fine, they want to be together in some way or whatever, I don't know." He ignored Crowley's eyes widen in exasperation. "Whatever it is, it's more than the friendship they have now. And they're both being idiots about it. How would you make them see?"

"See what?"

"Well, that they're being idiots?"

"I'd say 'you're being idiots, shag already'," Sam sighed and stood up, "what makes you think I would care who's doing who?" Sam looked to him as he pushed the chair back, "more to the point, why do you?" A smile creeped across his face. "It's those two, isn't it?" Sam suddenly realised he'd probably made a mistake. "That is so disgusting." He laughed.

"What, 'cause they're guys?" Sam walked back towards him.

"Shut up!" Crowley scoffed. "It's only your man up stairs that cares about that. The almighty homophobe, I couldn't care less."

"So why is it disgusting?" Sam leaned on the table.

"Because it's not just for the sake of shagging, is it? At least that has a purpose. Those two have been spooning, it's affection, it's disgusting."

Sam smirked. "You miss it, don't you?"

"What?" Crowley snapped back to him. "I'm a demon, Moose. Affection is a weakness found in humans and apparently angels - fallen and otherwise."

"What do you mean?" Sam squinted.

"Come on, Wings up there was smitten with our boy wonder long before he was clipped."

Sam tilted his head to show he agreed. How could he argue? But then he turned his attention back to Crowley. "But you're halfway exorcised." He pointed to Crowley. "You have feelings." He smiled and pointed again. "You _feel_."

Crowley scoffed and turned his head. "Sure(!)"

"Come on," Sam walked around the table slowly to behind Crowley as he spoke, "I know you better than anyone else, don't I?" He put his right hand on Crowley's shoulder as he rounded him and leaned down to speak in his left ear. "I heard what you said. 'Loved'."

"What?" Crowley turned his head as much as he could, which wasn't very far with the chains.

"You said you deserved to be loved. Not that you deserved to have sex or a little," he pointed to Crowley's crotch, "blow," he shook his head, "you said loved." He let out a little laugh; he didn't open his mouth and it was low in tone. "You miss it; you miss falling asleep next to someone and having them spoon you." He looked up. "Someone running their hands through your hair." He leaned into Crowley's ear and whispered. "You miss being loved, don't you?"

Crowley swallowed low and shook his head.

"No?" He shook his head again. "Pity." He smirked. "I could have used a Marnie." He walked away and Crowley suddenly let out his breath as Sam winked and closed the shelves behind him.

When he heard the door close he looked up to the light - he had left it on.

Sam got to the top of the stairs and laughed to himself. "Demons, man."

.

Dean had switched his phone off half an hour into driving when it seemed Sam had realised he was gone and he had kept on driving until he needed to answer the call of nature. Which, of course, happened _after_ he'd passed all the gas 'n' sips and all that was left were bars and closed grill houses. So he wandered into a bar and managed to talk to barmaid into firing up a burger for him. Even though the kitchen was closed.

After he had greedily wolfed it down, not realising that he was so hungry and only just realising how long he had been driving for he could scarcely get rid of her. She had put yet another beer down in front of him with a smile when Dean looked to the clock - seven. A figure saddled up to the stool next to him.

"Beer, please." She nodded and went away to get it. Dean turned to look at the man briefly, hoping she might take a shine to him instead. He was taller than Dean, dark hair and he took his cap off, throwing it on the bar before ruffling his hair. He turned to see Dean looking who just smiled awkwardly and turned back to his beer. "Evenin'."

"Hey." Dean replied and the smiled to the woman as she dropped the beer off. He turned back to him as if they were having a big conversation but couldn't think of anything to say.

The man sighed. "Yeah, so I said to her that I just couldn't do it, you know?" The barmaid walked away to serve at the other side of the bar and he picked up his beer, lowering his voice again. "Little unwanted attention?"

"Yeah, thanks." Dean laughed. "I suppose I should know better than to turn on the charm for a burger, right?"

"A burger?" The man looked to Dean's empty plate. "Cheese?" Dean nodded. "Any good?"

"Heaven."

"Get me one and I'll keep her away all night."

"Deal." Dean smiled and leaned over the bar. "Gina?" She looked up and he put on his trademark smile.

.

Sam was tapping his fingers on the table looking at it, mind miles away, when Cas wandered into the room.

"Sam, I think I found a haunting in Wyoming." Sam didn't even look up. "Sam?" Nothing. Cas walked over and hit Sam on the knee as he sat down next to him. Sam jumped. "You with us?"

"Us?" Sam looked around. "Is Dean back?" Cas shook his head and looked back to the papers in his hand. "What did you say?"

"I said, I found a haunting in Wyoming." He looked up. "Want to check it out?"

"Without Dean?" Sam shuffled in his seat. "Why?"

"Why not?" Cas shrugged.

"Cas," Sam leaned towards him, "I don't mean to be rude but..." he paused. "What the hell?!"

Cas jumped. "What?"

"You went into Dean's room last night, you kissed and now he's taken off and you don't even care?" Cas sighed. "So... _what the hell_?"

"Sam, please don't do this, okay?" Cas stood up and put the papers down. "There's the haunting information, I'm going for a shower."

Sam stood and followed him. "You had one this morning." He kept following him. "Cas, please, if you won't talk to Dean, talk to me."

Cas stopped in his room. "I have spoken to Dean." Sam raised his brow as Cas buzzed about his room gathering stuff up. "And I told him to forget about it, it was just a kiss."

"_Just_ a kiss?" Sam walked into the room.

"Yes, he had just woken up and he was confused - it didn't mean anything."

Sam slammed the door as Cas went to exit. "It didn't mean anything to you or you _think_ it didn't mean anything to him?"

Cas reached for the handle and made to pull but Sam held it. "Sam-"

"Cas, if you don't want to pursue this with Dean then that is your decision. But he is my brother and right now he is God knows where doing God knows what - he could be hunting or drinking or chasing some chick." Cas' hand dropped from the door. "He just took off without saying anything and do you know why my brother does that?" Cas turned to look at him, the image of Dean picking up some chick or possibly nearly dying at the hands of some monster grating at him. "When he's stressed or hurt or when he can't find an answer. He takes off in the car down some long highway until he's outplayed his tapes or he's hungry or he needs a whizz." Sam let go of the door and looked as Cas sighed. "So I ask again, it didn't mean anything to you or do you think it didn't mean anything to Dean?"

Cas looked at him. "I didn't let him talk."

"What?" Sam shuffled realising that Cas wasn't running now the door was free.

"He came in here, he said he wanted to talk to me-"

"Wait," Sam's eyebrows nearly joined his hairline, "he actually came and spoke to you about it? As in _he_ was the one that approached the subject?"

"He tried." Cas sighed. "He barely even got the 'can we talk about yesterday' out before I brushed him off." He ran his free hand through his hair and turned back towards the bed throwing the towel on it. "I said it was nothing, that I'd forgotten about it and he should too."

"Aw Cas." Sam rubbed his face with his hand. "Do you even realise how much it would have taken for Dean to come and actually talk about it?"

"I know." Cas sat on the edge of the bed. "But as he was saying those words I thought, 'I know what's coming'. So I said it first."

"But how did you know he would say that?" Sam walked towards him.

"Because it's Dean." Cas looked up. "He's _Dean_." Cas gestured his hands as if no more needed to be said. "He doesn't do _this_." He gestured to himself. "I'm human now but I'm male. And Dean doesn't do men."

.

"So what, you freaked out?" The man wiped his mouth and pushed the plate forward before picking up his beer and taking a swig.

"I guess so." Dean sighed. "It's not just that he's a guy, you know, at least I don't think it is but-" Dean sighed, cutting himself off. "I don't know."

"He's your friend." Dean turned to look. "It's scary to take that leap, even if you know the other person wants it to. You've still got a hell of a lot to lose."

"Yeah. We've been through a lot." Dean nodded thoughtfully then he leaned to the man further. "I've actually been in this situation before." The man raised a brow. "Well, not so much I guess. I was fifteen and I told you we moved around a lot?" The guy nodded. "Well, this once we stayed in this awful apartment on the east side of Georgia," he leaned back in his stool squinting, "it was _horrible_, even the mice and rats didn't want to come near, you know?" The man laughed. "There was this family that lived across the landing, I say family, it was a mother and her son, David." Dean smiled. "Davey."

"Another guy?" The man took a swig again and then motioned to the barmaid for two more.

"Yeah." Dean took his own drink. "We got close Pete, you know, I think my dad was trying to bone his mom but, " Pete laughed, "it meant that we spent a lot of time together over the few weeks we were there."

The barmaid dropped off the beers and Pete looked up. "Thanks." He turned back to Dean. "So what happened?"

Dean took his and inhaled as he sat up. "Nothing. There was always a lot of lingering looks and laughs that faded away but whenever it seemed like anything was going to happen I bounded up and when to pee or I had to go or whatever I could to get out of there."

"Or jump in your car and drive until you end up in some bar telling a complete stranger a story you should be telling your friend?"

Dean laughed. "Yeah. Old habits die hard." Dean thought back to Alistair and then thought to Davey looking out of the window as his dad drove away.

.

Sam wandered down to the dungeon and listened as his footsteps echoed.

"Sam, is that you?" Crowley's voice drawled through - almost scared.

"I left the lights on." Sam turned them off.

"Wait." Crowley muttered as Sam turned to walk away.

Sam paused and turned back, waiting. Nothing. He smiled and walked slowly and deliberately over to the shelves. "What's wrong?" He leaned on the shelves. "Miss me?"

Cas trotted down the steps to the basement to ask Sam about the haunting when he heard voices and he stopped.

"You can admit it." Sam opened the doors to look at the darkness. The only light in the room was from the doorway and it barely showed anything, it would have showed Crowley if Sam wasn't casting a shadow. "Go on."

"You don't get it, what it's like down here. Sitting in the dark for hours on end with nothing but the knowledge that I'm powerless."

Sam seemed to soften at the break in Crowley's voice. "I do."

Crowley looked up as Sam walked over to him. He rounded the table and leaned on it, at Crowley's left side, looking down. "How so?"

"I know what it's like to be filled with strong ability and have it taken away." He shifted. "We're more alike than I think you even tried to convince me during our little session in that church." Crowley looked down at the table. "I know what it's like to crave my power and fear it all at once."

"I don't fear it." Crowley whispered and Cas stepped closer, staying in the shadows, to hear better.

"No, but in that church you feared being without it and yet you wanted it gone." Sam leaned down. "You wanted to let it go and you were willing to accept the future we had decided for you. Exorcism." He looked over Crowley's face. "Admit it."

Crowley looked to him then away. "I wasn't presented with much choice."

Sam sighed and lifted off the table. "Okay." He turned to walk away.

"Wait." Crowley panicked and Sam stopped, standing beside him. "Please." He swallowed. "Don't leave me alone," he looked up and Cas eyes widened, "Moose."

Sam looked down and then laughed. "Nice try." He hit Crowley's shoulder and walked away.

"At least leave the light on!" Crowley called after him, his voice less emotional, and Cas retreated out of sight as Sam stopped by the light switch and Cas saw him look back, something akin to pity came across his face and he turned it back on. Cas watched him walk back up the steps and took it all in.

.

The two men were the last to leave the bar and they stood while Peter lit a cigarette and offered one to Dean.

Dean shook his head. "No thanks."

"Will you be alright to drive?"

Dean nodded and looked at the ground. "I'm only going as far as the motel."

Pete inhaled and looked at him. "What do you think you're going to do?"

"I don't know." He sighed. "I don't know anything any more." He ran a hand through his hair.

Pete blew out smoke and looked at Dean's nervous stance. He rolled his eyes and, in one fail swoop, stepped forward and kissed Dean while tucking his free right hand under the hunter's jaw. Dean grimaced for a second at the taste and then kissed him back as his eyes closed. He didn't even seemed surprised when Peter pushed him back the three steps until Dean hit the wall. The only thing that showed any shock were Dean's hands - they weren't in his pockets any more but they were just hanging, a little in the air out at his sides, unsure of what to do with them. But one thing was for sure, Dean's lips and tongue definitely knew what the score was. Dean felt it course over him, the feeling that he knew all too well. A minute, maybe two went by and slowly Dean's right hand moved in the air to touch Pete's jaw but the tip of his middle finger barely touched it before the feeling left him and he opened his eyes.

Pete had pulled back, his hand still on Dean's jaw and they looked at each other for a second. Dean's lips were parted slightly and puffed from the pressure of the kiss. Dean could feel the burn flare up from Pete's stubble and the man smiled. "Well, point proven."

"What?" Dean exhaled. "What point?"

He looked down and Dean did too, it was then that he could feel it. His erection straining against his denim pants.

Pete looked back up. "Any anxiety you've got about this Cas has nothing to do with him being a guy." He stroked Dean's jaw line. "It's because there's a friendship there." He stood back and Dean brought his hand up to wipe his mouth. "Don't get a motel. Go home." He took a draw of his cigarette and then smiled to Dean before walking away leaving Dean standing there; hard and confused.


	15. Chapter 15

_"So are you going to tell me what's going on?" Dean stopped Alistair in the corridor and he just stared. "What is it that's got you so panicked?"_

_"Nothing." He pointed at Dean as he looked like he was going to speak again. "Listen to me Winchester, I said nothing." Dean's mouth closed. "Don't go poking around or you'll just make it worse. Stay the course. Keep to what you know." He pushed passed Dean and walked away._

Dean opened his eyes and panted into the motel room. Keep to what you know, Winchester.

.

_"Sam..." Sam was walking along the dark corridor of the bunker, he could hear a voice calling for him, it was rough but almost sing song. "Sam?" Sam turned down the steps to the dungeon. "Moose, come here." Sam walked towards the shelves and stopped looking over them. "Please Moose." Sam's eyebrows dipped and he opened the makeshift doors before coming face to face with Crowley smiling, genuinely smiling. It wasn't brimming with his usual plans. "There you are, Moose." He smiled again. "I thought you weren't coming."_

_Sam found himself walking forward and taking a knife from his pocket. "Are you sure you still want to do this?"_

_"It's a fair trade." He smiled. "I believe it's your turn to go first." He tilted his head to the right as Sam approached the table and turned around to look. "The boys are on a hunt, come on." Sam turned back and continued walking until he was leaning on the table beside Crowley. He took the knife in his right hand and used his left to hold Crowley's neck exposed. He pressed the blade in and dragged it down a few inches while Crowley bared his teeth a little. "You're being gentle, are you going soft on me?"_

_Sam let out a little chuckle. "You wish." He licked his lips and turned the knife over in his hand before lowering his head and tasting the blood. A almost silent moan escaped his lips and he sucked harder. He could feel it coursing through his system, he felt himself fill up and swell. He could almost feel where it entered his blood stream and mixed with his own. His clean and lifeless blood. His weak blood. This was the purpose thrust upon him at an early age, this is what Sam was made for. Azazel was Rumpelstiltskin and Sam was what he was owed. This was decided for him long ago._

_"Come on." Crowley breathed and Sam took one last suck before pulling back to look at him. "No wonder your single. Are you this greedy in the sack?"_

_Sam laughed out air and rolled up his sleeve on his left arm and put the knife to it before cutting in. "Wouldn't you like to know." He winced a little as he drew blood and Crowley looked at it. He moved it forward and then pulled it back, Crowley looked up to him and he smirked. "Is this what you want?"_

_Crowley smirked back. "Always with the foreplay."_

_Sam scoffed and relented, bringing his arm up to let Crowley drink from him. He watched him for a little while before Crowley's eyes met his and he grinned again before lowering his head back to Crowley's neck as they both got their fix._

Sam woke up from his dream sweating and thirsty. Really thirsty. He wiped his upper lip on the back of his hand and looked down to make sure it wasn't red.

.

_"He's not in Illinois and he's not in Utah. We've tried nearly everywhere else, Cas." Sam pulled at Cas' suit jacket and they walked towards the entrance to the police station. "Let me do the talking."_

_They walked in the station and walked up to the reception. "Hey." Sam pulled his badge out and nudged Cas who did the same in a rush, trying to remember which way up it went. The young woman read the badges. "Agent Warner and Weatherly." Sam tucked his badge back in and Cas copied. "We were wondering if you could help us locate an," he leaned in to whisper and the receptionist did too, "undercover officer that we have lost contact with." She nodded a little worried. "He may be working in this area but we can't find him."_

_"Of course, one moment." She sat back down and picked up the phone. "Sir, there are two agents here to see you on an urgent matter." There was a pause. "From the Bureau." She nodded. "Yes sir." She replaced the receiver. "Please go through." She leaned on the wall and pressed the buzzer._

_"Thank you." Sam smiled and they disappeared into the station room, a man opened his door at the far end and gestured for them to come so they walked over. He closed the door behind them. "Thank you for seeing us without any notice, Captain."_

_"Not at all." He rounded his desk. "What can I help you boys with?" He gestured to the seats and they all sat._

_"The thing is Captain, we were running an undercover unit in Dakota and we lost contact with our man. Now, we've been all over looking for him. Everywhere. No one can find him and although he is an experienced officer we are beginning to get worried that he hasn't called in." Sam reached into his jacket and took out a mug shot of Dean. "This is a photo from our cover story," he looked at it a second, "this is what he looks like now, very different to the academy photo." They shared a smile as Sam handed it over._

_The man looked at it and showed recognition. Sam and Cas looked at each other as the man stood still looking at it. "Excuse me a minute." He disappeared out of the door._

_"What's going on?" Cas whispered._

_"I don't know but they know something." _

_They smiled as the man returned with a video tape and the photo which was on top of a file. He opened his cabinet and put the TV on before slipping the VHS inside. "I'm sorry to inform you gentlemen that our patrol," he leaned back up with the remote and held out the file to Cas but kept the photo, "was called to a two car crash off the highway last evening." He pressed play and it was some kind of CCTV image from up high of the Impala roaring through the streets. The camera switched and the car was far away again. It did that a few times. The Impala was roaring at far too high a speed. The man paused it and zoomed in to the driver's seat. "Is that your man?" He held the photo up to beside the camera and it definitely was._

_"Yes." Sam and Cas let out relieved breaths. "Where is he? Did you pick him up?"_

_The man nodded sadly and pressed play. They watched the car continue to race along the road until it hit another car and spun up in the air. Sam and Cas took a step towards the TV. When the car stopped flipping along the road they leaned into the TV to see Dean struggling to get out. Then it happened. The car exploded. Where Dean's figure had been there was just flames as metal was thrown into the air, other cars swerved and hit the brakes before the metal hit the ground again._

_The man clicked the TV off and turned back to the boys. "I'm sorry."_

_"No, no, no wait!" Cas shouted at the man, gesturing to the TV, "where is he? He's okay, right? He has to be? That can't be him!"_

_Sam was silent and speechless as he slowly lowered himself back to the chair._

_"He was picked up and brought back, an autopsy was performed and there was nothing on our system. Now we know why." He looked at them both. "I'm sorry, he was eight times over the limit." Sam didn't even flinch. It sounded like a lot but for Dean, it wasn't, it was just too much. "I'm surprised he was even conscious. He wouldn't have felt it." There was a pause, Cas' head was spinning and he turned, diving to the floor as he threw up in the Captain's waste paper basket. "He's down stairs when you want to-" He cut off when Sam leaned forward, putting his face in his hands._

Cas sprang up in his bed, heavy breathing and covered in sweat or dry as a bone - he couldn't decide. Dean could be anywhere. He could be in danger, he could be dead. Cas took a shakey breath. He might not ever come back. And all because he never let him talk. It was nothing. Of course it wasn't.

.

Dean should have had breakfast. He knew that and his stomach was making sure he was reminded every five minutes. He looked down as he drove. "Will you shut up?" He sighed and shuffled in his seat. "I don't remember the last time I skipped breakfast." He pulled into the road leading to the bunker and exhaled. "Come on, you can do this." He drove down past the entrance and took the next turning towards the garage. When he got there he found Sam leaning against the car parked in the space to the left of the Impala's regular one. He pulled up glaring at Sam who had his right leg crossed over the other and his arms crossed.

Sam put his hands out to open the door for him. When he spoke it was an English accent. "Sir, you're home. What a pleasant surprise." He gestured with his right arm fro Dean to get out.

"Yeah thanks Jeeves." Dean looked at him then stepped ahead expecting Sam to follow. Instead, Sam slammed the car door so that it echoed around the garage. Dean turned with a glare ready to go off at him but he was met with an equally serious and pissed off glare. "What the hell are you doing?" Dean called him out anyway.

"Me?" Sam took the step to make them toe-to-toe again.

"Yeah you." He gestured to his car. "Slamming it like that."

"You took off!" Sam gestured widely with his arms. "Just like you always do!"

"If I always do it why are you so surprised and pissed every time?" Dean snarled.

"Because you could be dead for all we know!"

Dean softened at that and looked down. "Yeah..." He inhaled. "You're right." He nodded and turned. "I'm sorry, Sam."

"And what about Cas?" Dean stopped and turned back to Sam. "You know you're both idiots right?"

"I told you, Sam." Dean walked forward again. "He said it was nothing, so that's what it was." Dean turned to storm away.

"Dean?" Dean didn't answer. "Dean!" Sam ran after him. "Dean, I spoke to him-"

Dean put his hand up as he turned. "I don't want to hear it, Sam." Sam opened his mouth but Dean stopped him again. "No, Sam. It's done. Friends can't-" He cut himself off again. "Stick to what you know, Sam."

Sam put his hand out and burled Dean around harshly and he sighed staring Sam down as he turned. "Okay, stick to what you know." He nodded. "I get that." He nodded again. "I do. And you know Cas." Dean sighed. "No, Dean. Listen to me. He's your friend, yes, and just think about everything you know about Cas, about how he acts, how he reacts, really think about what you know about him." He walked passed Dean and turned to face him as he did. "Then think about what happened." He zipped his mouth. "I don't have to say anything."

Sam wandered up stairs and found Cas in the main room. "Dean's back."

Cas looked up slowly. "Good." He nodded and looked back down, at the table. Just staring.

"Hey Cas, you alright?" Sam sat down next to him. "You don't look too good?"

Cas looked up again. "Didn't really sleep."

Sam sighed. "Yeah me neither." He looked to the doorway and he felt himself become quite thirsty again.

.

It was about ten minutes later and Dean was rummaging in the fridge. "What's this?" He picked up a tub and tried to determine what it was from the color of it's contents.

"I made that burger omelette thing." Cas' voice came from behind him.

Dean straightened up and turned, still holding the tub. "Cas."

"I must have done it wrong though," he continued looking at the tub, "I found it quite disgusting." His face twitched a little.

Dean looked back to it and opened it. Cas stepped up to look too. "Yeah it was disgusting when I made it too." They shared a smile. "I covered it in sauce." They laughed, standing merely a step away. "Washed it down with beer too."

Cas laughed. "Why go through all of that?"

Dean could only answer with the truth. "Because I'm stubborn." He whispered. "I can never seem to admit when I'm wrong."

The two of them looked at each other then Cas looked back to the tub. "Please tell me you're not going to eat that?" He raised an eyebrow at Dean with a little smile.

Dean shook his head. "No." He bit his lip.

Cas took a shot. "Can we talk? Properly?"

Dean swallowed. "What about?" He picked out a tub of something else and looked into it. "You already said it's forgotten."

Cas just stared. "But-" He stopped himself. _This was what a friend would do, isn't it? What a friend should do? _"I just wanted to make sure that you don't want me to go?"

Dean shook his head. "No." Cas nodded and turned away when he left Dean sighed to himself. "Never." He whispered to himself.

.

Sam walked slowly down to the dungeon holding a bag that clinked and paused looking over his shoulder before exhaling to himself and walking further. He padded into the place and, for the first time, closed the main door locking it behind him. He walked over to the shelves and paused shoving the keys in his back pocket before pulling one open and looking down at Crowley sitting there.

"Moose. Didn't expect to see you today." Crowley smiled wearily back up.

Sam looked over his shoulder again before deciding to pull the shelf back over.

"What's this?" Sam looked back to him. "Are you planning on murdering me or do you just want to be alone with me?" He winked.

Sam took a knife from his pocket and showed it to Crowley who's smile fell. "I will use this if you try anything." Crowley looked from the knife to the bag as Sam put the bag on the table and the knife back in his pocket. He walked towards Crowley and leaned on the table looking down at him. They stared for a few seconds before Sam reached into his shirt pocket and took out a key, he gestured to it and slowly unlocked the metal collar Crowley had been sporting. "Thought you could use a little stretch." He undid Crowley's hands and looked up as Crowley's sighed before bringing them up to rub his neck. "Feel good?"

"You've no idea." He let out a little chuckle and then watched as Sam moved the table a little and leaned to undo Crowley's feet. "Well, you clearly trust me more than I thought."

Sam stood back up and put the key back in his pocket while doing the button up as Crowley slowly stood. He shook a little and Sam dipped forward to catch him. "You good?"

Crowley nodded and patted Sam's shoulder before looking down to his right. "Been a while." Sam couldn't help but stare at his neck. His dream floating through his mind since he had woken up. He let Crowley go slowly and he walked around slowly for a few seconds. "What's in the bag?"

Sam walked to it and took out an open bottle of scotch. "Not exactly top shelf but beggars can't be choosers." He then fished out two glasses and started to pour.

"And what, may I inquire," Crowley smiled a little sarcastically, "has prompted this show of generosity?" He pointed to Sam. "I don't have any more names."

Sam shook his head. "I just thought you might like a stretch and a sip to get you through."

"Give me freedom and whiskey," he took it from Sam and they clinked, "to then lock me up again." He brought it to his lips but spoke first as Sam sipped. "And I thought your brother was the one skilled in torture." He downed it and held it out. "Again."

Sam sighed and poured more into the glass.

"How is our boy wonder, him and wings done the nasty yet?"

Sam shook his head. "I'm not sure they ever will." He rubbed his neck.

Crowley leaned on the table. "Something else is bothering you." Sam looked up. "What is it?" Sam took a sip. "Oh come on," he gestured around with his left hand as he took a sip with his left, "who am I going to tell?"

Sam swallowed and looked down at the table. "Do you ever remember, what it was like before you became..." he looked Crowley up and down, "... what you are?"

Crowley grimaced. "I try not to. But..." He sighed and finished his glass, "I guess, you and your meddling might have brought a few things to the surface. Why?" He reached for the bottle himself and poured into both of their glasses, Sam put his hand out to stop him. "What's got your knickers in a twist, what are you remembering?"

Sam took a long drink. "Before."


	16. Chapter 16

Sorry it's been a while a lot of things going on. Got a new place to work so should be more frequent now. Saying that, there might not be much left to this story. Any suggestions welcome but I don't want to needlessly drag it out.

This a short one but I thought I'd upload it just now to assure you guys that I'm still here, haven't abandoned you or the story, I've just had a lot on my plate. Depression mostly. But there's always work going on in the background.

* * *

"Before?" Crowley leaned on the table looking to Sam. "What do you mean, before what?"

Sam hesitated, turning and walking to the walk to his right before turning to lean on it facing Crowley, still holding his glass. "I don't know." He shrugged.

Crowley took a drink. "Look Moose, clearly you want to talk about something." Sam looked up. "Something a little naughty," he grinned and Sam sighed, "enough that you can't whine to your brother or his... whatever he is. Or you wouldn't have come down here." He looked to the drink and then to Sam. "Or is there another reason you're plying me with alcohol?"

Sam rolled his eyes. "Don't drink it if you don't want it."

Crowley sighed. "You're no fun when you're hormonal."

Sam rubbed his face. "I had a dream."

Crowley nodded. "I think that one's already been done." Sam glared at him. "Go on then." He poured more into his glass and straightened up to take a drink.

Sam refrained from the Wizard of Oz routine of 'and you were there'. "I was still..." He looked to his glass and Crowley walked over to pour more whiskey in. "I was still drinking... blood."

Crowley put the bottle back on the table and stood in front of Sam as they sipped. "So?" Sam's face twitched a little. "Do you seriously think it means anything?"

"Don't you?"

Crowley looked at Sam like he was daft. "It's a dream?" He 'ahh'ed after a sip. "It's just chemicals floating around in your brain reacting while your conscious tries to understand why you're body can't move. It's your brains way of reminding itself that you're not dead - it's meaningless."

Sam thought about it. "When was the last time you dreamed?"

Cowley paused: whether he was thinking or a memory had already hit him Sam couldn't tell. It was a few seconds before he came back to the world, but his eyes stayed staring at the wall while his head moved towards Sam a little as he spoke. "The day before I died."

Sam waited. "What was it about?"

He looked to Sam, eyes still staring. He then inhaled and looked away. "Usual things. Boobs and booze."

Sam smiled. "Liar."

Crowley looked back to him, a smile almost betraying his lips. "I told you; dreams don't matter." He took another drink. "What do you think it means?"

Sam shrugged. "I just felt like..." He looked to Crowley. "No, nothing. You're right."

"Moose..." Crowley sing songed looking, a little fed up, to his right and it brought Sam right back to his dream. He looked at Crowley's neck - the bare flesh. He saw himself slice it and drink. Crowley caught Sam's look and lowered his eyebrows. "Sam?"

Sam was shocked by Crowley using his name that he snapped back to him. "What?"

"The last time someone looked at me like that I was creeping out of Cleopatra's bed chamber at midnight."

"What?" Sam scoffed and stood up on the spot. "What are you... Cleopatra?" His face relaxed. "As in-"

"As in the Egyptian Queen, yes. Do you really think she got that way by bathing in milk?" He smirked. "Tell me," he walked towards Sam slowly, "in this dream," he stopped in front of Sam looking up to him an lowering his voice, "was I in it?" Sam looked to the side, giving himself away. "Oh." Crowley grinned. "Kinky."

"Come on." Sam nodded to the chair. "You've had long enough."

Crowley took a step back as Sam took a step forwards. "Oh come on, Moose." He looked up again. "We were just beginning to become chums, again." Sam stood and gestured to the chair. "At least let me finish this." He gestured to his glass.

Sam sighed and nodded. "Hurry up."

Crowley took a sip. "It's whiskey, not beer." Sam raised an eyebrow so he sighed and downed it before slowly sitting back down. "First you have a wet dream about me and now you want to tie me up." Sam looked down, pausing, the collar in hand. "Go on, take a sip." He whispered. "I won't rush you."

Sam sighed and shut it over, locking it in place. "I'll pass." He looked down to Crowley and smiled a little before walking around the front to make sure it was fixed. Crowley looked at him and then down, almost without meaning to. Sam fiddled with the collar. "Besides, all your innuendos and suggestions..." He leaned to look at the collar and Crowley's eyes turned. Perhaps worried that Sam would indeed take a sip. "... Anyone can see that if anyone has had a wet dream, it's you." He straightened up and then leaned down to do up the feet while looking up and winking.

Crowley laughed a little. "Have you noticed the change in you when I'm tied up? Because if it wasn't so intriguing-"

"It'd be what?" Sam smiled again raising his eyebrows in question. "Funny?" Crowley tilted his head a little. "A turn on?" He looked at Sam, his eyes staring trying to figure out this strange man. He had thought he had the brothers down. He thought he had known them in their entirety but then they had betrayed him and took him as their prisoner. Nearly cured him, no less. And now, now this. Sam was initiating some kind of power play and he definitely got off on it. Crowley was more interested in Jolly Green than ever. He had so many different levels to him and he was sure he was the first to see this one. "No denial." Sam smiled and leaned up on his knees to do the left hand - leaning his front against Crowley's leg. "If it wasn't so intriguing..." He smiled.

.

Dean had been staring into space for a while now. He touched his fingers to his lips and thought back. It occurred to him that there were a shit ton of different ways to kiss in the world. The 'trying to keep kissing but moaning is getting in the way' kind. The 'one person was one second ahead of the other bumping' kind. The 'lip biting, drawing blood' kind. The 'chaste, ain't got time for anything more' kind. The 'soft, lingering rare' kind - rare for Dean at least. The 'bruising, can't get close enough unless our faces were moulded as one' kind. The 'soft lips, teasing press of tongue' kind. There were so much more than Dean could even list right then.

But two were kind of etched into Dean's memory and kept replaying in that moment.

And they were two very different kisses.

One was a rough surprise, tasting of nicotine, beer and burger. It was guiding Dean with one hand under his jaw and the other stretched out the side to keep the cigarette out of the way. It was the 'bumping against the wall, stubble rash and thigh against boner' kind.

Then there was the other one. That one was the soft and warm with a slight but firm pressure. Between you're not close enough and neither am I. The 'saliva clicking, fingernails gently in the hair and I could do this all night feeling settling around' kind.

Peter and Castiel.

Stranger and friend.

Human and angel.

No. Human and human.

But Cas wasn't like other humans, was he? Shit, Castiel had never been like other angels either. And, Dean was thinking, he had never had a kiss like that one. As good as it was he had had ones like Pete's before - unexpected but not unwelcome. But that kiss with Cas was... it was completely new. It stirred something in Dean too. No, not like _that_. Well, maybe like that but Dean couldn't help feeling like there was something trying to niggle it's way out from a dusty corner of his brain. He couldn't put his finger on it but there was a feeling in his mind, something bothering him. Maybe another reminder that Cas was his friend, his ex-celestial friend. His friend who thought about him in the shower.

Dean looked down and cleared his throat as he sat up in the main room, feet coming down from the table.

_Now he's got a boner._

"I knew my own words would bite me in the ass." Dean whispered to himself.

"What's that?" Cas looked up from his seat next to Dean.

"Cas." Dean took a sharp intake. "When-How-"

Cas smiled. "You didn't even notice me sit down, did you?"

Dean turned in his chair to hide his bottom half under the table. "Uh, sorry."

"It's alright." Cas looked back to his book. "You were daydreaming." Dean rubbed his face and leaned it in his hand on his elbow on the table. "Was that also about Hell?"

Dean turned to look at Cas, face still in his hand with his elbow on the table and Cas hadn't moved save for his eyes. Dean looked at them. Blue. Blue as hell. Dean stared at them. Were they always that blue? How the hell had he missed those? Like some kind of rare stone tucked away underground that no one has seen yet. But Dean had. "Your uh..." Dean mumbled into his hand and then lifted his fingers away from his face a little to be heard better but keeping his head leaning there. "Your eyes." He mumbled.

Cas lowered the book in his lap. "What about them?"

"They're blue." Dean whispered. Of course they were blue, dumbass. "I mean I know they're blue, I know you know they're blue but I've never really noticed before." Cas lifted his head still looking at Dean as he dropped his hand to the table and leaned towards Cas a little. "Have they always been that blue?"

Cas waited. "They haven't changed to my knowledge."

Dean nodded. "They're..." He swallowed. "They're _really _blue."

"Do you find this disturbing?" Cas looked over Dean, he was acting weird.

"Disturbing?" Dean repeated, focusing out to the whole of Cas' face and not just his eyes.

"You seem quite fixated on them, either they disturb you or they are your way of not discussing your daydreams."

Dean blinked a few times. "No, they're not disturbing Cas." He chewed his lip a little. "They're uh, shit they're gorgeous, man." Cas seemed visibly stunned by this as he let go of the book all together and it fell to the ground between the two chairs. "I got it." Dean leaned down and picked it up, closed, and held it out to Cas. "Here."

"Thank you, Dean." Cas muttered looking in Dean's eyes as he slowly took the book.

"No problem." Dean smiled a little embarrassed.

"I wasn't talking about the book." Cas said and Dean looked back to him.

There was a silent second before Dean nodded, just once. "Right." He looked to the ground. "I wasn't daydreaming about Hell." He whispered. Cas looked back. "I was thinking about a couple of kisses I had recently."

Cas blinked. "Couple?" Dean nodded. "You remember that one?" His heart was in his throat.

Deans brow dipped. "Yeah, course I do?" He smiled. "It was only the other night?"

Cas' face dropped. He doesn't remember and yet he said 'couple'. _Oh_. "Right, yeah." He looked down as he tried to gather his things.

"I went to a bar the other night-" Dean started.

"Great." Cas muttered trying to put his papers together.

"-I got the barmaid to-"

"Good to know." Cas tried to squeeze his ears closed. It most certainly was _not_ good to know.

"-fire me up a burger, it was a good burger-"

"Uh-huh." Cas stood pulling all his stuff together.

"-and I couldn't get rid of her. Cas what are you doing?"

"You and the barmaid, I'm listening-" He shut the book, piling the papers on top.

"Well could you sit down, I'm trying to talk to you about-"

"-but I have a lot of research to do-"

"-the other night and that other kiss, it's important." Dean stood up as Cas started to leave.

"-why don't you tell Sam-" Cas walked away.

"Cas?" Dean took a step too.

"-I'm sure he'd understand more than me." Cas rounded the door as Sam walked in. "Hello, Sam." He kept walking.

"Cas!" Dean shouted after him.

Sam walked towards him as Dean sighed and sat back down. "Was that my fault?"

Dean looked up. "I'm not even sure that was _my_ fault." Dean sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Men!" He sighed.

Sam burst out laughing and Dean looked up.


	17. Chapter 17

I don't usually do warnings but trigger warnings here, little mention of possible sexual abuse - you don't see anything, just a mention of it.

* * *

_"If there was one thing in the world you could change, what would it be?" The meat on the hooks shakily opened his mouth but Dean pointed the needle to his eye and he gasped. "Not you."_

_Dean looked up to Alistair. "Me?" Alistair gestured to himself and Dean nodded from his perch. "Hmm." He swirled imaginary liquid around in his mouth. "I'm not sure you'd like it."_

_"Try me." Dean rubbed the needle down the man's trembling face. "Us."_

_Alistair looked at what Dean was doing and smirked a little. "Alright." He took a step towards the man's back. "May I join you?" He gestured to the man with his knife, his favorite one that he never put down, not recently. It was long and thin with a stirdy handle. It was absolutely caked in dried blood and god only knows what else. There was a patch on the handle, where the palm of Alistair's knuckles would rest, where sweat from constant holding was loosening the dried whatever it was that covered the whole instrument. There was plenty of that dark maroon stuff that could only be old, dried blood. It was dark and thick with the application of layer upon layer but it was still noticeable as red and not black. But there was also smatterings of other colours and textures smeared all over and Dean didn't want to even consider what they were. Especially not since he had used the knife himself once or twice. Lately however, Alistair was keeping it close to him, never even putting it down. And because of this, a little patch had began to work itself away, or just apart from the rest, overlapping some more of the stuff, and revealing a tiny patch of the material underneath. Silver. Solid silver. Dean tried to imagine what it had once looked like as he formed an answer to his boss with his mind and then his mouth, he somehow knew that it was solid silver all over, even the handle, and the thin blade, although completely flat, had some kind of dip in the middle and Dean often thought about what the entry wound would look like of an unclogged, polished version of the blade. It's sliver of silver always caught Dean's eye as Alistair shuffled it in his palm but he forced himself to meet Alistair's own eyes. _

_"Mi casa..."_

_Alistair smiled and turned the blade around in his hand so that it was horizontal and the man screamed out when it obviously made contact with the skin on his back. "I would get rid of Earth."_

_"Completely?" Dean asked before tapping the syringe, letting some of the liquid flick onto the left side of the man's face and neck. He winced as it burned him._

_"Oh yes, or perhaps utilise it." He bared his teeth as he twisted the knife. _

_The man arched his back towards Dean and looked him in the eye. "Please, please don't do this." He whispered shaking his head at Dean._

_Dean looked over his face for a second. "What do you mean by 'utilise'?" The man let out a sob and closed his eyes. He didn't even flinched when Dean plunged the needle into his right side but he certainly noticed when Dean slowly pressed the plunger._

_"Well," Alistair grunted and the man sobbed louder, "right now every soul up there, is just in a big waiting room. They're all floating around waiting to see what door they're end up walking through. One or two."_

_"There's more than that." Dean laughed._

_"Yeah, **we** know that but they don't, do they? The apes." He smiled at his own words and used the back of his right hand to wipe his brow, bringing the knife back into view in the process. "They think - heaven or hell. They don't think they'll end up in purgatory or anywhere else."_

_"Fair point." Dean pulled the needle out, now empty, and walked around the man towards his table to put it down. The man started to convulse and moan as the acid made it's way through his veins. "So, what would you do?"_

_"I'd take away the other doors." Alistair lowered his knife wielding hand and bend down, using his left hand for something that Dean couldn't see as the view was blocked by Alistair's head. If he had been looking, which he wasn't. Dean's eyes were fixed on that blade. There was something about it. It was drawing him to it and he didn't know why. "Make Earth one big holding pen, leading to paradise."_

_Dean laughed. "Paradise?" Alistair turned. "Here?"_

_"One man's hell is another man's heaven."_

_"Not if you take away the door." Dean muttered and Alistair laughed._

Dean sat bolt upright in his bed. Sweat and heat surrounding him like a mist but his attention was immediately fixed at his open bedroom door. A figure had just disappeared. He could see, even through the mist, that someone or something had been standing there, staring at him and retreated the minute he had awoke. "Hey!" Dean threw the covers from around him, bounded from the bed, leaning only for a second to grab his gun. Whatever it was, it was strong or immensely sly, to have slipped into the base unnoticed but it hadn't attacked Dean. He thought of that as he scrambled to full height and got to his doorway. just to see the shadow round the end of the corridor. He took off after it. "Get back here you sonofabitch!" Dean yelled and, his body not quite awake yet, slammed into the left side of the corridor as he tried to run and use his left hand to push back off the wall which only caused him to hit the other side. Whatever it was hadn't attacked him, maybe Dean had disturbed it at just the right time but he couldn't see that as being right so either it had attacked the others to get to him or it had not intention of attacking him at all. Dean couldn't figure out what was less appealing. Brute force, or the lack of it. "Sammy!" Dean called finally getting to the middle of the corridor as his legs woke up and he found his balance. "Cas!"

He rounded the corridor and couldn't see anything. But he had to make sure Sam and Cas were safe.

"Dean?" Sam appeared as his door, the puffiness of sleep still around his face as he stepped the light. "What's wrong?" Dean saw the glint of metal coming from the gun he held in his hand.

"Something was watching me." Dean muttered and pushed himself down the corridor in it's direction knowing it would be well gone by now.

"What do you mean, like a dream?"

Dean sighed at Sam as he had started to follow him. "No, not like a dream."

"What then?" Sam asked, waking up now.

Dean stopped as he came to the main room and saw nothing. Nothing remotely disturbed. "Like I woke up and someone was staring at me and took off."

"Someone? You said some_thing_." Sam repeated as he looked over Dean's shoulder into the room. He passed him and looked up to the door then turned to Dean. "There's no one or _thing_ here, Dean." Sam sighed. "It must have been a dream."

Dean looked around. "Cas." He whispered and looked up to Sam panicked. "Cas!" He ran back along the corridor the way he had come and slid to a halt outside Cas' bedroom door. Sam slid to a stop beside him a second after. They looked at the door, it was slightly ajar and Dean tried to remember if it had been on his stumbling way passed. He couldn't think. Dean looked to Sam and then pushed the door open slowly. "Cas?" The door opened and as Dean let go of it he and Sam raised their guns. On the bed lay a figure, wrapped in a blanket and practically unseen. "Cas?" Dean whispered again as he walked to the bed, he and Sam shared a look before he looked down again. Sam stepped into the room and the light fell over the figure as they moved out of it's way.

Dean slowly put his left hand out to the cover, keeping his gun ready while Sam had his aimed. Dean tried not to let his hand tremble as he looked at the figure, not paying attention to his hand but rather where the figure's head would be on the pillow, wrapped in the blanket. He heard Sam's grip tighten around the metal on his gun as Dean's fingers gathered a bit of the blanket up ready to reveal what was underneath. The brother's breathing shallowed and all could be heard was their heartbeats.

Suddenly, the brother's jumped when the figure inhaled a loud, low snort and turned in the bed, the covers falling from it and revealing a sleeping Cas. Dean and Sam let out deep breaths as they looked to each other. They lowered their guns and tip-toed out of the room before Dean pulled it closed behind him.

"Just a dream then?" Sam whispered.

Dean nodded. "Yeah, must have been." He let out a deep breath. "Sorry."

"Don't be." Sam hit his brother on the back and walked away back to bed exhaling one final time.

Dean waited on his door closing before he slowly opened Cas' door and looked in. "Cas?" He whispered to a silent room then looked down when he got no answer. "If you're awake..." He paused, wondering what he was doing. "You don't need to watch over me, Cas. Gonna end up killin' me, scaring me like that." He let out a little laugh. "And for the record..." He bit his lip. "Nothing happened between me and the barmaid." He smiled. "If you can hear me then," he swallowed, "I miss waking up to you." He tightened his grip on the handle of the door a little. "The barmaid story has a point, you should let me tell it to you some time. When you're ready." He paused again. "Night, Cas."

He closed the door over and walked back to his room.

Sam smiled as he leaned against his door, still holding his gun.

Cas bit his lip nervously and turned around in the dark of his room.

.

Sam was sitting in front of his laptop when Dean wandered into the main room. "Hey." Sam raised his eyebrows in greeting. "So get this," Dean walked towards him, "the haunting in Wyoming turned nuclear while we weren't paying attention and now the cops are investigating a good old locked room mystery."

"How many dead?"

"Eight." Sam shook his head. He looked up when Dean sighed. "What's up?" Dean rubbed the back of his neck. "Still thinking about that dream?"

Dean sat in the chair next to Sam. "It wasn't a dream."

"Dean-" Sam started but stopped when Dean put his hand up nodding.

"I know, but it wasn't a dream and it wasn't a monster."

Sam paused. "Cas?"

Dean nodded. "I think I caught him checking up on me and, after everything that's been going on, he panicked and didn't want me to go off on him."

Sam inhaled and sat back in his chair. "What are you going to do?"

Dean paused for a second, his top front teeth worrying the inside of his bottom lip. "Sam." Sam's head moved a little, not understanding. "How comfortable are you with this?"

"Talking about this? I'm fine. I told you, you can talk me to me about anything."

Dean shook his head. "No, I know I can talk to you. I mean about..." He stopped, looking at the table.

"About you and Cas?" Dean's eyes met Sam's again. "Is that a possibility?"

"Doesn't matter." Dean shook his head. "I need to know right now," he lazily swiped his right hand horizontally in the air, "forget everything, Sam. Forget that he was an angel, forget that we're hunters, forget heaven or hell, Crowley, Abaddon. Forget Azazel," Sam's throat tightened,_ if only_, "Ruby, Anna, Lisa, all of it. Forget everything. Just think about me and you, brothers." Sam nodded. "And Cas, our friend. How comfortable are you with the idea that your brother and your friend Cas might have..." Dean exhaled a little shakily, "something?"

Sam looked to the table. "I can't forget everything Dean, I automatically think how will the monsters out there use you two against us and what would happen if we find a way to reverse this mess and Cas becomes an angel again. I can't forget it all." Dean took in what Sam had said, he hadn't even thought that far. "But as far as the bare bones of the situation go," he nodded, "I'd be very happy," he looked back up from the table to Dean, "for you both."

Dean nodded once, his eyes briefly moving to the table before he looked back up to Sam again and a smile spread on his face as he nodded another couple of times and looked to the table. "Awesome."

Sam let out a little laugh. "This haunting, sound like our thing?"

Dean laughed too. "A haunting? How could it not be our thing?"

Sam nodded. "Yeah, but lately our thing has been a bit more mammal than fish."

"Fair enough." Dean smiled. "Well, I don't know about you but I could do with some of that purging you were talking about." Sam nodded. "Good, then let's forget this chick-flick moment." Sam laughed as Dean stood up. "Gear up in five, I'm gonna go get Cas."

"Alright." Sam nodded and stood too.

Dean walked along the corridor, letting a smile play on his lips before he pressed them together as he got to Cas' room door. He knocked.

"Yes?"

Dean pushed the door open and saw Cas standing there in just his boxers. "Sorry." Dean turned around quickly and looked up as Cas scrambled for his denim pants. "I didn't realised you weren't dressed."

"My apologies, Dean." Cas pulled them up quickly. "What's wrong?"

"Sam and I were gonna go clean up the mess from that haunting you found, a little something to keep us on our toes just now. You up for it?"

Cas paused thinking about it and Dean turned to look at the former angel staring at him. "I don't think that would be wise. It would attract all manner of attention."

"Purgatory all over again." Dean whispered. He wondered if Cas had been awake, if he had heard him at all. He wondered what he hoped the answer would be. Cas nodded slowly. Dean took a step closer to Cas, both of them yet to break eye contact. "Did you uh," Dean licked his bottom lip, "did you get a good sleep?"

Cas paused, taking an almost imperceptible deep inhale through his nostrils. "Yes."

Dean looked over his face. "Good."

Cas couldn't help it, he looked down and Dean rocked back on his foot a little. The intensity of their stare now broken Dean seemed to realise just how close they were standing. "Did you, sleep well?" Cas managed out before he looked up to see Dean, having started to turn away, stop midway and look at him.

"I've had better." Dean whispered.

Cas gently nodded. "So have I."

They looked at each other again before Dean slowly turned away again and Cas found a shirt to throw on.

.

Dean and Sam bundled into the car. "Just drive, Sam." Dean bared his teeth as he pulled his shirt off.

"Motel?" Sam asked as he revved the engine and they roared away.

"Easy!" Dean growled at him and Sam's face showed apology and Dean sighed knowing that Sam was just worried. "Grab our stuff and head for another." Sam nodded. "Same as usual."

Sam nodded again as they sped towards their local motel room. "You think they saw the key?"

Dean bundled up his shirt, pulled it around the top of his right arm and winced when it touched his blood soaked skin. "Can't risk it just for the sake of a bullet. We'll stop when it's safe." He used his teeth to pull the shirt tight around his arm and exhaled.

They fell silent as Sam drove, out of necessity to their room. Sam glanced to Dean as he looked through his phone. "Dean?" Dean grunted an answer. "Does it feel the same?" Dean turned his head to look at Sam, without answering. "That." He nodded to Dean's arm and Dean looked forward, trying to figure out what he meant.

"Getting shot?" Sam nodded. "Feels the same as it always does."

"I mean, does pain feel the same in Hell." Dean paused. "Like is it the same, is it worse?"

"Sam, in Hell, you don't get shot by a bunch of hunters pissed at us."

"I know." Sam sighed.

"In Hell you are sliced, diced, shot, injected..." He inhaled. "...violated," Sam whipped his head to look at Dean, "in a hundred ways, more than any mortal could imagine." He swallowed. "And more than I hope you remember."

Sam shifted in his seat. "You think that Lucifer-"

"I don't know, Sam." Dean cut him off. "If you don't remember then it didn't happen."

"But you do?" Sam glanced again and Dean's throat almost closed up completely. "Why didn't you say?"

"Because it doesn't even matter Sam, that's not what I mean. That didn't happen."

"You just said-"

"I know what I said Sam!" Dean shouted and glared at his brother. "And now I'm telling you it didn't happen! What I said came out wrong, understand?"

Sam inhaled. "Okay, yeah. Understood." Sam folded his tongue against the roof of his mouth. Not two minutes later they pulled into the motel and Dean put his right hand on the door handle, mid-turn he saw Sam's hand come up to his face and he watched Sam wipe tears from his face. And all he saw was the little boy who wondered where his dad was and why he missed another Christmas. He would roughly wipe tears from his face when he thought Dean wasn't looking and then when Dean came near him he'd run to the bathroom or turn into the covers.

Dean stopped. "Sam..."

"Come on." Sam pushed the door open and Dean sighed before following him. He slowly followed his brother into the motel room, watching as he hastily tried to wipe more tears away before they could fall onto his face. He grabbed their bags, Dean tried to pick one up and Sam took it from him. "I got it."

Dean let him take it and watched him shove it all in the car. "Sam?" He walked beside him. "Sam, will you stop and look at me."

"We need to get out of here." Sam mumbled and headed for the driver's seat.

Dean pulled his arm and spun him to look at him. "Sam, the only way guys like us keep going," he moved his head to try and make Sam meet his eyeline," is to separate this life from that. You were the one that told me that the guy I was down there was not me standing here now."

Sam's eyes moved to Dean's - red and puffy. "Yeah."

"And that is the only reason I get up in the morning. Because of what you said." Sam inhaled and lowered his head a little to look at Dean properly. "So, you can't compare here and there, Sam. It's completely different and it happened to different people." Sam seemed to relax a little, because he had to. "Right?"

Sam nodded slowly. He could understand that logic. He could more than understand that.

"We are not there anymore, and we are not those guys." Sam nodded again, they turned back to the car and Dean got in. Sam quickly wiped his face one last time and jumped in a second after Dean before starting the engine and getting out of dodge.

Dean looked out the window as they sped away down towards the interstate.

_Don't you want to cuddle, Dean?_

The voice rang out and Dean bit his lip, looking up to the sky as he fought tears and Sam glanced to the back of his head while shifting gear.


	18. Chapter 18

_Castiel turned the blade around in his hand and lunged forward, driving the silver edge into the man's abdomen, he didn't even look down as the man spluttered and held onto him._

_'Again.' Came Naomi's voice._

_Cas turned to see another Dean standing smirking at him. He tightened his hand on his gun and aimed it at Cas. He fired and Cas spun out of the way. He followed Cas' movements with his bullets. When they ran out and Cas' right forearm was pulsing with blood and pain from the last one the man lunged at him, Cas now close enough to hurt Dean. He pushed Cas to the floor and straddled him as he pushed Cas' free left arm to the floor. 'What's the word, Cas?'_

_Cas used his shot right arm, moved it through pain to Dean's stomach and thrust it in with a loud groan. Dean's mouth opened and his grip on Cas' arm left. 'It's the shortened version of my name,' he threw Dean off of him, 'Dean.'_

_Naomi smiled. 'Again.'_

Cas sprung up in his bed. "Dean." He gasped and looked around the room. He was in his room in the bunker. He sighed and closed his eyes.

He pushed the covers back and made for the kitchen when he heard voices.

"What do you mean?" Dean sighed and Cas walked towards the room. "Why do you need to talk to him?"

"I thought he might have more names." Sam shrugged.

"Whatever, if you get overpowered don't blame me." Sam huffed and Cas heard him walking away. Cas walked into the main room to see Dean sitting down holding his forehead and looking at the floor.

"Dean?" He looked up, his face was red and tight. "What's wrong?"

Dean paused, letting his hand fall. "Nothing, Cas. Just tired. Did we wake you?"

"No." Cas shook his head and thought about it. "No, I wasn't asleep." It was then that Cas saw the red mark on Dean's top and walked towards him. "What happened?"

He stood beside Dean, who remained sitting, and looked to where Cas was looking. "Oh, nothing."

Cas looked at him. "Are you seriously going to 'nothing' me?"

Dean looked over his face. "I got shot." He whispered it and looked down at Cas' clothes. He was dressed for bed. He looked up as Cas reacted to his news.

Cas' brow furrowed in worry. "I think it needs changed."

Dean saw his face was puffy and his hair was a mess. Well, it looked good but it was still a mess compared to his usual style. "Yeah, I know." He pointed to the bag Sam had left on the table. "I need to wait until Sam's finished with Crowley."

"Crowley?" Cas lifted his right hand to Dean's left shoulder just looking at the wound.

"Yeah, I dunno. He keeps going down there but he hasn't gotten anything usable from him yet." He looked up at Cas and thought about the figure in his doorway. Was his face contorted with worry like it is now?

"Let me do it." Cas leaned over the table, his thigh rubbing Dean's wound but he didn't say anything about it.

"No, Cas you don't have to do that."

"I know I don't have to." He tucked the fingers of his right hand under the collar of Dean's open shirt and he felt the fingers drag over his skin as he slowly pushed Dean's shirt from his shoulder. "Maybe I want to." He pulled the cuff down and Dean cautiously moved his arm out of the sleeve. Cas looked behind him and dragged a chair over to sit next to Dean as he took the scissors and began cutting the bandage off.

.

As Sam walked the steps down the the archive/dungeon he heard Crowley's voice drawl out, rough and deep, singing slowly.

'Ain't seen no sunshine since I don't know when," Sam paused, midway down the stairs, "I'm stuck in this ol' prison and time keeps draggin' on..." He paused and Sam continued slowly down the last steps. "But that train keeps a rollin' on down to the dunge-" he paused, looking to the side, "on" Sam let out a little exhale at his attempt to rhyme and moved towards the shelves at the back. "When I was growing up they told me Fergie no one's gonna take you seriously unless you're hung." Sam pulled the doors open and looked at Crowley smiling to himself. "But I shot a man in Cali, just to watch him die."

"When I hear that whistle blowing," Sam spoke, "I hang my head and cry."

Crowley smirked. "Not so much."

"That should be enough to damn you to hell on it's own, messing with Johnny Cash's words like that." Sam disappeared towards the files at the back labelled 'architecture of the 1930s' and opened a box, dipping his hand in.

"Didn't realise you were a Cash fan, Moose." Crowley muttered looking around him getting a little fidgety.

"There's a lot you don't know about me." Sam smiled as he pulled out a bottle of Scotch and, surprisingly, cards.

"Really?" Crowley craned his neck to see as Sam wandered back over with the bottle and cards.

"No glasses?"

Sam sighed as he pulled the shelves over behind them and turned back to the demon. "A bottle of Scotch going missing, I can swing, two glasses I can't. When this is finished," he gestured to the bottle, "I take it back and dump it in the trash. Job done."

Crowley watched Sam put it down and go into his pocket for the key. "Lying to your brother about spending time with me? He smiled as Sam undone the restriants around his wrists. "Better be careful, people will begin to talk about us."

Sam laughed when he leaned up to undo the neck brace. "Just a little game to pass the time." He put the key in his top pocket and buttoned it up as Crowley rubbed his neck.

"I take it I'm not walking around for this take?"

Sam shook his head and sat down across from Crowley. "No one plays cards standing up."

"No one sits strapped to a chair for 3 days." He sighed as he cracked his knuckles.

"If you want me to go..." Sam started.

"No." Crowley stated and Sam paused. "No, don't." Sam nodded. "But I'm not playing snap."

Sam chuckled as he opened the cards and Crowley reached for the bottle.

.

Cas was kneeling on the floor beside Dean to better see what he was doing and gently unwound the bandage from Dean's upper arm. "Did a ghost shoot you?"

Dean looked over to him again. "No, no it was a bunch of hunters."

"Hunters?" Cas wound the bandage up and put it on the table.

"Yeah, a few of them went to investigate the haunting and the killing but when we got there they turned on us."

"Why would they do that?" Cas folded up a rag and placed it over the bottle of alcohol before tipping it upside down briefly and then back upright. And repeating it a few times.

"They know that we had a chance to close Hell and we didn't and that we closed Heaven."

"_I _did that, not you two." Cas' jaw tightened. "That was all my fault."

"Hey," Dean lowered his head, "we're a team, there is not a single on of us that's solely responsible for what happened."

Cas paused. "If that's the case-"

"It is." Dean stated.

"Then all three of us shoulder Hell too." He looked up as he wiped Dean's wound and Dean winced. "Sorry."

"It's okay." Dean whispered. "Cas, what happened with Heaven is on us. If we had listened to Naomi and understood it without just trusting Metatron then you wouldn't have trusted him either. It's on us. Just like Hell."

"Is that how you do things?" Cas wiped again and looked up. "Everything is your fault and no one else's? Everything is on Dean Winchester, has been since he was born and no one else has any blame ever."

"I don't know why you're pissed at me-"

"I'm not." Cas said and sighed. "I'm not, I'm sorry." He wet the cloth with alcohol again. "I'm just saying that even one footstep on this earth must be so hard for you, the amount of stuff you carry I'm surprised you can lift your legs. No wonder they're bowed."

Dean screwed up his brow and looked down to his legs. "Bowed?"

"You have to let people take the blame they deserve." Dean looked at his wound as Cas slowly wiped it. It was so soft and gentle. As if he would crack and break if Cas was too rough. "I don't mean monsters and demons. I mean humans. You have to let me say that Heaven was my doing. The amount of things you pile on I'm surprised you can get out of bed in the morning."

Dean exhaled, looking up to Cas' eyes. "It's harder than you think." He whispered. Cas looked up and Dean looked down. "Cas, do you not trust me?"

"What do you mean?" Cas put another piece of gouze on Dean's arm and Dean used his finger to hold it while Cas wrapped the bandage around his arm.

"You lie to me, a lot." It was still a whisper and when Cas looked up to Dean's face, Dean's eyes moved to his. "You've just woke up. Either we woke you up or something else did. And although you are too sweet to complain if it was us, I still think you would admit it and say it's alright. So it has to be something else."

Cas looked down at Dean's arm. And said nothing.

"That's okay if you don't want to talk about it, jeez out of everyone I woulda thought you'd know that I'd understand that but you don't have to lie about it Cas. Don't talk if you don't want to but don't lie. Not to me. Please."

Cas looked up again, keeping his head bowed. "I'm sorry, Dean."

Dean nodded and looked as Cas tucked the bandage in and smoothed it under his thumbs.

.

"How's things going with the Odd Couple?" Crowley gesture to the doorway while he was arranging his new hand.

"Who knows?" Sam rubbed his face. "I've all but given up on those two."

"Why?" Crowley lowered his hand. "Not homophobic, are you Moose?"

"No, come on!" Sam scoffed. "I just mean they're clearly interested in each other but they're not..." Crowley looked up to Sam gesturing his cards trying to find the words.

"Shagging." Crowley stated evening out his cards. "Well, this isn't an ordinary sitcom, Moose."

"I know that, I said as much to Dean." Crowley looked up again. "We can't forget about Heaven and Hell and hunting and all of this mess but," Sam sighed, "it shouldn't matter, should it?" He picked a card from his hand and moved it to the far left where he tucked it back in. "It should be easy if they really want it."

"This isn't bloody _You've Got Mail_," Crowley lowered his hand and leaned forward, "in this movie Meg Ryan would get to that bridge and it would be Hanibal Lecter waiting for her with Kyser Soze on a fucking leesh."

Sam laughed Crowley found himself smiling as he sat back. "Yeah and Meg Ryan would have been dead all along."

"Exactly." He put his bid in. "So even if they decided to shag, what do you think they'll just fall asleep with whispered promises and everything would be rose tinted and the credits would roll. Doesn't happen like that, Moose. I mean, it does for other people but not us lot. They could suck each other off and then have to go on like it didn't happen."

"Ugh," Sam screwed up his face, "there's an image I didn't need."

Crowley laughed. "What, you mean you don't want to imagine your brother breathless and moaning Cas' name?"

"Stop it!" Sam threw his cards on the table and stood up. "Not cool, man!" He grabbed the bottle and walked to the wall staring at it like you would out a window, if there was one.

Crowley sighed and looked at the table. "Sorry." Sam turned to look at him. "That was a bit..." He scrunched up his face. "Even I could do without that image." Sam walked back to the table and put the bottle back down. "What images do you like?" Crowley drawled and looked back up. "What keeps you warm at night?"

"What?" Sam screwed up his face again.

"Come on Sam, those two have their teenage crushes. What do you have?"

"We're done." Sam gestured to the collar.

"Oh come on!" Crowley laughed a little. Sam stood into place to fix his collar.

Crowley reached out slowly as he spoke. "So sensitive." He rubbed his right hand up the outside of Sam's thigh to his hip.

Sam grabbed his hand with his left and twisted it while simultaneously reaching into his back pocket with his right hand and taking out his knife to put it to Crowley's throat and the demon moved back as far as he could in the chair. "Just what the hell was that?" The tip of Sam's knife indented Crowley's skin enough to be felt.

Crowley looked into Sam's eyes, a little breath coming out. "Trying to give you something to curl up to."

Sam searched his face. "Don't play games with me." He whispered harshly twisting Crowley's arm more.

"Who said I was playing games?" Crowley winced a little because of his arm.

Sam smirked, mouth agape. "Come on," He twisted his head looking at Crowley who relaxed a little when he felt the knife fall away from his neck only to flinch again when Sam touched it to his lips and down his chin, "we both know that you are all mouth," he trailed the knife down Crowley's front, "and no trousers." He pressed it threateningly to Crowley's crotch and he flinched away from it.

"Didn't you hear about my deal?" Sam looked back to him. "I'm all trousers, Moose."

Sam let out a little whisper chuckle before letting Crowley's arm go, staring him down again. They stared and Crowley didn't move. Sam put the neck brace around Crowley and locked it before doing the same to his hands.

"One last drink?" Crowley gestured his head to the bottle.

Sam looked at it and smiled to himself as he picked it up. The top had been long discarded to the table so he hesitated for a second before bring it to Crowley's lips and tipping it up so he could drink. "And you?" Crowley looked up. "What keeps you warm at night?"

Sam lowered the bottle and Crowley licked his lips before he spoke. "Wouldn't you like to know?"


	19. Chapter 19

_"Alistair?" Dean leaned across the table in the cafeteria where no one ate._

_"Hmm?" Alistair was sitting with his body facing outwards but leaned to his left towards Dean while looking to his right. His blade rested on his knee but was held loosely in his right hand._

_"You alright?" He looked at Dean. "You've been kinda distracted lately."_

_Alistair looked away again but tilted his head. "Yeah I guess I have."_

_"Anything wrong, that problem back?"_

_"No." Alistair turned to look at Dean. "Nothing from the problem but no confirmation that it's done either."_

_"Ah, kinda in limbo then?" He nodded. "Not sure how to feel."_

_"Exactly."_

_Dean looked around. "Do you usually feel?"_

_Alistair turned in his seat to look properly at Dean. "What do you mean?"_

_"Well since I've been here I haven't eaten, slept, cleaned the pipes..." _

_Alistair smiled. "Miss being horny?"_

_Dean went a little red. "Not saying that man, no. I'm just saying you hear about the seven sins and yet, no one down here seems to indulge in any of them."_

_"Does it fuck with your brain?"_

_"A little, man." Dean admitted looking to the blade in Alistair's hand. _

_"Well, if it helps," he leaned in further, "we could have a go at cleaning the pipes."_

_Dean scoffed and leaned back. "No need to make a fool outta me, just askin'."_

Dean sat up in bed. Exhaled and looked to the side of his bed. Empty. He ran his hand through his hair and looked to his doorway. Empty.

He sat up in the bed and something else came into his head.

_"Paul's dead." Dean said to Sam._

_"What?"_

_"Jane shot him."_

_Cas looked up to Sam. "It's starting."_

_Dean looked at Cas properly for the first time since walking into the room. For the first time in a long time. "What's starting?" Actually screw that. "Where the hell you been?"_

_Cas turned his head and glared angrily at Dean. "On a bender!"_

_Dean's head nudged back in surprise. "He's..." He glanced at Sam before looking back to Cas. Disappearing and getting drunk was Dean's thing. On occasion it was Sam's thing but he would never have thought it could ever be Cas's thing. "Did he say 'on a bender'?"_

_"Yeah." Dean looked to meet Sam's eyes. "He's still pretty smashed."_

_"It is not of import." The brother's looked down to Cas' drunken drawl to see his right hand raised in the air._

Faith shaken, Cas decided to deal with his despair in the one way he knew how. The one way he had seen his best friend do it. He got smashed.

Dean pulled his covers back and rubbed his face. Tired. That's what he felt. Tired of being hunted, or being unhappy, of being drunk, of being in charge, of taking the blame, of doing what needed to be done, of dreaming about Hell, tired of... everything. Tired of everything with a capital 'e'.

Dean shuffled out of bed and stood up. He stretched and looked in the mirror. Tired. He certainly looked it. He won't look tired tomorrow. Tomorrow he will wake up, shower and dress before puling himself together and carrying on. No, tomorrow he won't look tired. But right now he looked like hell.

He walked towards his door and paused before pulling it open. He had no idea what he was doing. Well, that was a damn lie - he knew exactly what he was doing but where the idea came from was a mystery. And that was another lie, it had been building up for days if not weeks. But why it suddenly occurred to him to finally try it was anyone's guess. And that was yet another lie, it had occurred to him every single time he had woken up from his dreams. The one thing that was truly, _truly_, a mystery is why Dean's mind wasn't batting it out in his head, the pros and cons of what he was about to do, as he padded out of his room. The floor was cool beneath his feet but since he felt a hundred degrees the real temperature of the floor was a mystery. Lie.

Dean got to the door and stopped before looking this way and that. The hall was deserted and he could hear the faint sounds of nothingness. There was no one awake and doing research or whatever. No one except Crowley, who Dean knew didn't sleep. He pushed the door open and walked into the darkness. He heard soft sounds of almost non-existent snoring. He looked round to click the door closed before he looked back to the bed. The figure in the bed was turned away towards the other wall, the wall that separated Cas' room, another empty room, and then Dean's room. He walked over and looked over the sleeping figure before he silently asked himself what the hell he was doing.

Before he could answer himself, he leaned forward and took the cover in his right hand to lift up and lifted his left leg in the air before slipping into the bed behind Cas. He stirred a little as Dean's weight lowered onto the bed turning just slightly more towards Dean. Dean paused and waited to see if Cas was fully awake before letting the cover fall over his body and lying stiff and staring at the ceiling.

Cas hummed and curled back to the position he was in and Dean closed his eyes feeling the comfort of the heat next to him. After a few minutes he opened his eyes at his own realisation. He didn't even argue with himself. He turned towards Cas and hesitated before moving so that he fit right in behind Cas. He slid his right arm over Cas' waist and closed his eyes.

"Dean?"

Dean opened his eyes when Cas spoke and as Cas turned around a little Dean leaned back to see. "Yeah?"

"Is everything alright?"

"Yeah." Dean croaked. He cleared his throat slightly. "Yeah Cas, I'm okay."

Cas turned further. "Do _you_ trust _me_?"

Dean nodded once. "I had another dream." Cas nodded and turned back to how he was lying. "And I told you, I miss waking up to you."

Cas didn't move. "When did you say that?"

"I know you were awake, Cas." Dean muttered before rolling back and sliding his arm over Cas' side. Cas lifted his elbow to allow Dean's arm in and then dropped it again. "And I know it was you I saw in the doorway."

Silence.

"I'm not mad, if that's what you think." Dean settled his head on his pillow behind Cas and found his nose tickled by his hair. He exhaled a little and then found he preferred the tickle so he touched his nose back there.

"No?" Cas whispered.

"No." Dean lightly shook his head. "But I told you, you don't need to watch over me." He felt the tickle of the hairs and smiled a little. He lightly did it again.

"And I told you, maybe I want to."

Dean exhaled once in a way of laughing. "Fair enough." He didn't even realise he was letting his nose bob up and down a little on the hairs.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Cas asked cautiously.

Dean muttered an answer.

"Hmm?" Cas asked again, turned his head slightly to the side.

Dean lifted his head, moved his nose along Cas' neck and towards his ear, he pressed his left elbow into the bed behind Cas' neck to hold himself up, pressing his right into Cas' bare abdomen. Cas' own right came up to hold over it in a way of support. "No, thank you but I'm okay."

"Okay. If you ever..." He inhaled. "...change your mind-"

"I know." Dean whispered as he was trailing his nose up and down Cas' neck. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." Cas nodded a little breathless.

"Are you sure, you don't sound fine." Dean continued to whisper onto Cas' neck. He was well aware of something building in his boxers. He tried to push it away but when he asked himself why he couldn't find an answer. "Tell me."

"I believe that what you're doing is having an effect on me." Cas whispered back, a little louder and shakier. Dean didn't need to ask what that effect was.

"Do you want me to stop?" Dean was almost screaming in his head. _What am I doing?! This is not what we came in here for, go to sleep! _Cas shook his head. He trailed his nose back up to Cas' ear. "Are you sure, because I won't be mad, Cas. If you want me to stop, I will."

"No." Cas shook his head again. "Don't stop."

"'Kay." Dean whispered and brought his nose back to Cas' neck. He stopped and kissed it softly once. Cas moaned low in his throat, keeping his mouth closed. "Bad?"

Cas shook his head slightly. "No."

Dean slowly lowered his head to kiss his neck again. Again. Again. He heard Cas moaning quietly and he felt him press down on his hand. Dean's kisses became louder and wetter. He used his left hand to run up through as much of Cas' hair as he could without toppling back to the mattress. He ran his fingernails around the side of his head closest to the bed and kissed up Cas' neck. He came to his jaw line and his left hand cupped Cas' head as he turned him a fraction he kissed his cheek and then leaned in and, turning his head around as much as he could, he kissed Cas on the lips.

Cas kissed him back, his left hand squeezing out from under his body and coming up to Dean's jawline. There was nothing sloppy about it, it was precise and with certain force.

Dean pushed against Cas' abdomen more and then stroked up to his hip. When Dean applied a little pressure Cas turned so he was lying flat on the bed and Dean's hand trailed back over his stomach to the bed where he leaned up over Cas. Cas scraped his nails up through Dean's hair and he inhaled as he felt it and then let out a weak moan.

Cas pulled back enough to talk. "Did I hurt you?"

Dean looked down to Cas' lips. "No." He snaked his right leg over Cas' onto the mattress in between his legs. "No you didn't hurt me, Cas." He shifted his weight to move his other leg and felt Cas open his legs further to let him. "I liked it." Dean whispered as he padded his knees on the mattress to balance. Their faces were still barely an inch apart. "Is this okay, Cas?"

Cas nodded. "Yes." He pulled Dean's head towards him and they kissed again.

It was about thirty seconds of saliva popping and breaths huffed when Dean slowly ground into Cas who moaned out of the kiss. Dean didn't ask if it was okay, he just did it again. "That feels good." Dean said, surprising himself with the statement.

"You sound like you didn't expect it would." Cas moaned when Dean did it again.

"I didn't know what to expect." Dean found himself breathless and thrusting softly without meaning to. It's not so much that he consciously moved, it's that he consciously didn't stop.

"Because we're," Cas moved his hands and stroked up and down Dean's body softly grinding back, "men?"

Dean nodded looking down occasionally at what he was doing. "A little out of my comfort zone."

"Were you," Cas exhaled and Dean looked up, both still rolling together, Dean hand's planted on the mattress at either side of Cas and Cas' hands on Dean's body, "looking for comfort?"

Dean paused in his words only. "Maybe." He looked down again as the both of them concentrated on their breathing, Cas ground up further and Dean's head extended up again as he closed his eyes and moaned. "Keep doing that."

"Yeah?" Cas practically moaned it.

Dean opened his eyes to see Cas close his own eyes and tip his head back. He leaned forward, trying to keep his rhythm and came closer to Cas' face, watching every movement. "Yeah." Dean's eyes almost danced at seeing what he was doing to Cas. It was a new sensation, grinding up against him, or any guy, like that, but Dean couldn't find a reason not to give in to what he wanted. And in all honesty, if you could have found one, he wouldn't have found the inclination to listen to it. "That good?" Cas nodded as he moaned. "You gonna cum, Cas?"

"I don't..." He paused and swallowed his breath, Dean looked down to his mouth and back up to his closed eyes as he writhed under Dean who thrust against him. The feeling of their erections sliding together was slightly muffled by their boxers but the sensation was so new to the both of them they were as sensitive as virgins. "I don't know what that means." Cas barely managed to get out the words through heavy breathing and moans.

"What you did in the shower, Cas." Dean kissed his neck. "Cuming, are you gonna cum?"

"Yeah." Cas moaned. "Yeah, I am."

Dean grunted at hearing Cas say it. "Good."

"Are you?" Cas opened his eyes and looked at Dean bring his hands down to Dean's hips and guiding them to move faster, move harder. He tried to close his mouth to keep in the sounds.

"Yeah." Dean rasped picking up his speed and pressing in harder. "I'm gonna finish pretty soon if you want me to go faster than this." Cas just nodded. "Yeah?" Cas nodded again and his mouth parted when Dean picked it up. The bed squeezed and creaked under them but all Cas noticed was when Dean kissed his neck once more. "Cas, I'm gonna..." He moaned into Cas' neck.

"Cum?" Cas offered and Dean nodded. He thrust up harder and Dean grunted as he started to slowly come, a few seconds in Cas spurted out, a little escaping at the top of his boxers. "Dean..." Cas moaned as he came down and could feel noting but the vibration of Dean's moan on his neck along with the hot, wet patch on his neck. Dean, being practised in dragging it out, started first and finished last, they stopped grinding on each other as Dean let out a breath and collapsed on top of Cas.

They could both feel their damp boxers and Dean felt the heat from his breath on Cas' neck and the pillow beside his head. He lay there and slowly opened his eyes. Now what? Dean figured there was... three ways this could go now and about one or two ways each one of those could go. He played them out in his head.

_Scenario 1._

"Dean?" Dean pulls back to look at Cas. "Where does this leave us?"

"Where do you want it to leave us?" Dean uses is left hand to hold his head up and look at Cas who strokes his side without much thought.

Cas goes a little red. "I don't want to say the wrong thing."

"Tell me." Dean whispers.

Cas left hand comes up to run through Dean's hair and Dean's eyes close. "I don't want to just say thank you and good night and I don't want to pretend it didn't happen either."

"That's a lot of 'don't wants'." Dean said and opened his eyes. "Just say it, Cas." He looked over Cas' lips. "Say it."

"I want..." He hesitated. "I want you, Dean." Dean looks from his lips to his eyes. "I want a relationship."

_Which could have two outcomes._

_Outcome A._

Dean nods. "Yeah, sounds like a plan." He smiles.

"Really?" Cas smiles and Dean nods again before they kiss.

_Outcome B._

Dean inhales. "I want that Cas, I really do."

Cas stops moving his hand through Cas' hair. "But?"

"But in our lives, it's just not possible." Cas pushes Dean from him and bundles away to sit on the edge of the bed. "Cas, wait-"

"Go, Dean." He wipes his eyes.

"Cas-"

"Thank you and good night."

Dean sighs and then leaves Cas to cry.

_Scenario 2._

"So, what does this mean, Dean?"

Dean pulls himself up to look at Cas. "I don't know."

Cas smiles. "Is this the same with a woman?"

Dean swallows. "Sometimes. Not always. Depends on the woman." He whispers. "Cas, you know that as far as a relationship goes-"

"Relax Dean." Cas looks over his face then strokes his body. "I know what this was. Just a bit of fun."

_Which could have two outcomes._

_Outcome A._

Dean smiles and nods. "Right." He looks over Cas' face again who is looking down at Dean's body. "Not because of you, just because of-"

"Believe me Dean, something like that would be just as impractical in my situation as in yours."

"Right." Dean smiles and leans down to kiss Cas again. "Nothing wrong with fun though, huh?" Cas smiles and nods into the kiss.

_Outcome B._

"A bit of fun?" Dean's face screws up. "I would have thought it might mean a little more than that, Cas. After everything we've been through."

"I'm sorry," Dean scrambles off of Cas, "Dean I just thought with everything going on-"

"Cop out." Dean states.

"Dean, Hell does not suddenly close and Heaven open because you wanted to cum!" Cas shouts at him. "There is much still to be done."

"Yeah, yeah." Dean walks out of Cas' room.

Dean hoped that in Outcome B he wouldn't run into Sam in the hallway, not with his cum drying in his underwear.

_Scenario 3._

Dean and Cas fall asleep. At some point during the night Dean wakes up. He creeps out of the room and runs to the bathroom where he has a quick shower and heads back to his room to sleep.

Dean thought about what Sam had said about knowing how Cas reacts and he knew that in that scenario there was only one outcome. In the morning they would wake up and Cas would say nothing. They would carry on as if nothing had happened between them and still Cas would say nothing. Sam would notice something, he always does, and he would ask about it. Maybe in a few nights he'd notice that Cas never slept in Dean's room anymore and he'd ask Dean about it. Dean would tell him, 'I told you Sammy, there was nothing between us.' Team Free Will would carry on trying to put the world back together again and forget all about one night a million moons ago. And Cas would say nothing because Dean decided.

Lying on the bed, all of these thoughts had flew through Dean's head in about five seconds. Along with one more piece of information. Which one he wanted.

"Dean?" Cas croaked. "Are you asleep?"

Dean shifted and pulled back to lean on his hands looking at Cas. "No."

"What were you thinking about?" Cas stroked his side.

Dean paused looking over Cas face. "What happens now."

"And what would that be?" Cas asked looking to where his hand was stroking up and down.

"I don't know." Dean admitted.

Cas nodded. "Maybe it's not something that can be decided in one night. We should get some sleep."

Dean nodded. "Yeah, you're right." He rolled off of Cas and lay on his back looking at the ceiling.

Cas fixed the covers and turned away from Dean. "Goodnight."

Dean turned his head to look at the back of Cas. "G'night."


	20. Chapter 20

_"Because I told you, don't go anywhere."_

_"What, you getting all possessive all of a sudden?" Dean joked._

_Alistair threw him against the wall, his face a mere whisper from Dean's. "Listen to me. Are you listening?" Dean nodded. "There are things going on around you that you don't even get a sniff of and do you know why you don't get a sniff of it?" Dean shook his head. "Because **I** decided. So when I say don't go anywhere without me, I mean don't fucking go anywhere without my say so." Dean waited. "Okay?"_

_"Yeah." Dean muttered._

_He smiled. "Good." He stepped back and put his hand out to the left. "Shall we?"_

_Dean swallowed. "I don't know, shall we?"_

_His smile grew wider. "Good boy." He turned and Dean closed his eyes trying not to be sick._

Dean opened his eyes and paused before exhaling. He knew he wasn't down there but he also knew he wasn't in his room either.

"Are you okay?"

Dean turned his head to see Cas looking at the ceiling as he turned his head to look at Dean. "Yeah, I'm okay."

Cas looked over his face for a second, determining if he actually was or not before he turned back to the ceiling. "Good."

Silence fell across them both. An awkward silence. Dean pushed his pout out trying to think of something to say. "So." Idiot.

Cas turned his head again. "So?" He laughed and Dean looked. "Of all the openers _that's_ what you came up with, 'so'?" He smiled.

Dean smiled back a little embarrassed. "Jeez, gimmie a break, Cas. You can't say this isn't weird?"

Cas looked over Dean's face. "I would think that waking up like this is second nature to you."

Dean sighed and looked at the ceiling again, a little hurt and pissed for it. "Well, it's not." Cas just looked at him. "Any time I've woken up next to someone it's been either someone who's name I was having trouble remembering or Cassie or Lisa." He huffed and looked back to Cas. "This is new."

Cas' brow tensed. "Is it because I am your friend?"

Dean inhaled and exhaled heavily. "Yeah and because you're a guy and because of what's going on outside these walls and..." He trailed off and looked down before moving his hands under the covers. "And I don't remember the last time I came in my underpants."

Dean and Cas shared a look and then laughed.

"I think perhaps letting it dry," Cas shifted himself, "is an experience I do not wish to repeat."

Dean's eyes shifted to the covers where Cas was most likely peeling the fabric off his skin. "And the rest of the... experience..." He looked up to Cas who was looking at him. "What do you think about that?"

"I don't want to say the wrong thing."

"Tell me." Dean whispered.

"I know what this was, Dean." Cas stopped moving his hand. "A bit of unexpected fun."

"Fun." Dean repeated.

"Fun." Cas confirmed.

They both looked ahead solemnly.

.

Sam woke up and heavily got out of bed. As he was opening his door he looked up to see Dean step out of Cas' bedroom door and Cas follow him. He quickly closed his door back over, keeping it open the tiniest crack to look through. Both of them just in boxers they shared a smile before turning away from each other and walking towards different bathrooms. Dean looked around at Cas walking away, then looked back with sadness and continued passed Sam's door. Sam looked back to Cas who turned as Dean rounded the corner and then looked at the floor, his smile had gone, before he kept walking. Sam then opened his door and looked along both corridors before trying to decipher what he had just seen.

.

"Okay so get this," Sam started then looked up as Cas walked in, "oh sorry, I thought you were Dean."

Dean walked in behind him. "What's this?" Cas turned to look and they stared for a second or two before Sam cleared his throat. "You uh, you got something?" Dean turned away and walked to the table, standing waiting. He glanced to Cas as he sat across from them listening.

"I'm not sure." Sam said looking back to his computer. "I think I figured out why the computers went haywire but I still haven't found Kevin."

Dean sighed. "I told him to stay here." He rubbed his head. "Why does no one ever listen to me?"

"Well anyway," Sam shifted in his seat, "I think the computers are linked to the angels falling." They looked to Cas guiltily.

"How could the two situations be connected. "Cas asked looking at Sam, he glanced to Dean when Dean looked back to Sam.

"It's basically like celestial GPS I think." Sam shrugged.

"I don't know what that means." Cas stated and Dean's throat tightened. He'd heard that before.

_What you did in the shower, Cas. Cuming, are you gonna cum?_

"Like keeping track of all of the angels. Maybe that's why Kevin ran off?" Sam looked up to Dean quirking an eyebrow when Dean shifted on his feet. "Maybe the machines freaked him out?"

Dean nodded. "Maybe. Nothing's missing through, right? He didn't take anything?"

"Do you seriously think that Kevin would steal from you?" Cas enquired looking to Dean.

"No, no, course not, Cas." Dean shook his head. "I meant like hunting equipment, I'm just worried he might have freaked out, not knowing what's going on and came looking for us."

Cas and Dean shared a look. Cas was seeing it now, the concern, the need to round up all of the members of the team. If he couldn't see them, he couldn't be sure they were safe. And if they got hurt because of some reason Dean had twisted to make his doing then he would carry Kevin's pain or even death with him too. As if he had shot him straight in the head. "I see."

"Kevin isn't a child, Dean." Sam sighed.

"No, he's a prophet." Cas interjected before Dean had a chance to go off on Sam. The brother's looked to him, Cas looking at Sam. "And there are now thousands of fallen angels running scared and some out for vengeance." Sam seemed to be catching up. "If Heaven is closed for good then Kevin may be the last remaining link to Heaven."

"Or they could have shut down the link all together." Dean offered. Hoped.

"Yes, that is also a possibility but even if they have the angels won't know that, not for sure." He turned back to Sam. "Kevin is in grave danger."

"Awesome." Dean muttered, turned around as he was and walked towards the corridor. As he did his arm caught a book and it fell from the shelf down his leg and onto his foot. He kicked it away through the doorway towards the corridor. Dean followed it grunting angrily, as if the book was to blame for everything that was happening. Sam raised a little but Cas shot up, he ran to Dean in the corridor just as he was about to stomp on the book in a fit of rage. He grabbed Dean's arms and pushed him backwards along the corridor a few steps and against a wall. Whether it was intentional or not, Cas had pushed him out of Sam's view.

Sam just watched them go and when he didn't hear sounds of arguing or fighting but quiet talking he settled back down and wiped his forehead. Everything was coming down on them. Outside and in.

Dean bumped against the wall and Cas held his upper arms. "Stop." Cas said quietly. Dean's arms were still tensed as was his jaw.

"If Kevin gets-" He tried to move his arms.

"It will not be your fault." Cas stated throwing his weight on Dean's arms again.

"If he goes looking for us then-" He didn't try to move but he was still tense and ready. Not relaxed and not listening. Cas needed him to listen. He needed his attention.

Cas stepped into Dean's space, slowly and deliberately letting go of Dean's arms to make sure the man could sense him doing it. Dean watched as Cas brought his face close to Dean's, close enough that when he spoke in a whisper Dean could feel Cas' breath drying his own lips. "Dean, listen to me." Dean, who's breath seemed to have stalled, watched him watching Dean's lips as he brought his right hand up to just under Dean's jaw. He trailed his right middle finger down to Dean's chin as he spoke. "Not everything in the world is your fault." Dean opened his mouth and Cas put his right index finger over it. "I'm serious." He pulled back a little to better see Dean. "You opened your base to him, you gave him it as a place to hide and be safe. You told him to stay here and then you got back and he wasn't here. He left the key under a stone outside. Anyone could have come in."

"He was scared." Dean whispered. "We left him."

Cas moved his finger back to Dean's chin. "Yes, I understand that. But he chose to leave. He could have gone to a million places that you'd know to look and he hasn't, he could reach out in a million ways and he hasn't."

"Yet." Dean croaked.

Cas smiled. "Exactly. Don't give up. And if anything does happen, remember that he is not a child, he has common sense. He can act and think for himself, afford him the respect of considering that. He is not your puppet."

"I never said he was." Dean shook his head.

"You know what I mean." Cas looked into Dean's eyes.

Dean paused and then nodded. "Thanks." They shared a smile and then Cas laughed a little. "What?" Dean smiled at Cas laughing, however confused he was by it.

"Well, if I have to push you up against a wall every time you need to calm down then I feel sorry for Sam. I suspect it would make him quite uncomfortable."

Cas walked down the corridor away from Dean and Dean looked to the wall across from him for a second before glancing to Cas walking away. Towards his room. Dean looked to the wall to his right where Sam would be on the other side. He hadn't come to check they were fighting or anything. Anything, in fact. Dean would have to ask about that later. He watched Cas turn into his room and then slowly pushed off the wall and followed him.

Fun? I'll show you fun, angel.

He walked into Cas' room, Cas looked up from his hands on the back of his chair as Dean turned to close the door and locked it. He turned back to Cas, standing by his desk, and walked towards him. Cas thought for a second, by the look on Dean's face, that Dean was going to beat the living shit out of him. But no, Dean walked to him and kissed him, softly running his hands up the sides of his face Cas stumbled backwards as Dean kept walking, his hands coming out to hold Dean's sides, and bumped Cas up against the wall beside the head of the bed. Cas tucked his fingers under Dean's shirt and stroked up his bare, warm skin. Their tongues sponged together, saliva crackling like sherbet. Cas' hands travelled back down to curve over Dean's ass and pulled him in as he canted his hips towards him.

Dean pulled away slightly, obviously breathless. "Having fun?" Cas looked over his face, it didn't seem happy but he smiled at Cas anyway. Strangely.

Cas couldn't think, which might have had something to do with the fact that Dean had his arm on the walls and was thrusting into Cas, his lips moving to Cas' neck. More breath than kissing.

Maybe Dean was bored of it now, maybe he didn't want to do what they had already done. But he had charged in there, why? After Cas pushed him up against the wall, close enough to touch and, many other things. Maybe Dean wanted that. Maybe he wanted Cas to take charge for a change. But like how?

Cas looked down at Dean and moved his hands up to Dean's hips. He pushed Dean off of him then followed in behind it to kiss him before Dean could react to the confusion. He turned him and walked him towards the bed before letting him fall onto it. Dean's mouth hadn't even caught up to kissing again, before he grabbed at Cas' shirt in reflex as he fell. Cas clambered onto the bed over Dean and when his crotch came higher on Dean than his he looked down at the man, still confused, under him. He gestured his head to the head of the bed and Dean slowly moved backwards on the bed. His lips were swollen and his movements hesitant but they never spoke, not yet.

Cas reached for Dean's denims and started undoing his belt. Dean just watched. "Cas?" Cas looked up and he pulled it free. "Wh..." Dean trailed off when Cas unhooked the button and pulled the zipper down. His eyes closed and he exhaled. God, that felt good. Relief. Cas smiled and pulled Dean's boxers over his erection, holding them in place with his left hand. There was already some of that clear liquid pooling at the top and smudging into the hairs around it. Dean moaned as Cas slowly wrapped his right hand around Dean, his shaft was damp with sweat. "Aw g-jeez..." Dean had tried not to say the G word and then almost went for his son. Cas just smirked before he leaned down and took Dean in his mouth. Dean gasped and Cas looked up. "Cas..." Cas stilled, afraid he had hurt him. Dean looked down and must have read it because he shook his head and closed his eyes again as Cas moved. The tip was warm and smooth. Smoother than anything Cas had ever encountered. The liquid had a taste he couldn't quite describe, not while he was so distracted. Despite what others might think, Cas did know the ways of the flesh, just chose not to partake.

Until now.

Dean's left hand came up to feel for Cas' head and when it came into contact Cas looked back up as his head steadily began to bob and his tongue swept this way and that. Dean was softly writhing in the bed, not too much, but enough that anyone practised could tell you he was trying not to thrust up into Cas' mouth. Cas' amazing mouth that was doing such gorgeous things right then. His right hand grabbed the sheet of the bed and held on for his life. Dean's eyes screwed tighter as he ran his fingers through Cas hair. "Fu..." Dean managed. "Cas, fu..." Dean became more and more breathless as he felt heat begin to collect in his stomach, he felt it in his legs and torso - it pricked all over like little fires starting. Cas' left hand left his underwear and came up to stroke Dean's abdomen in answer to which Dean opened his eyes a little, looking down. "No, don't stop." Dean answered the implied question. Cas hummed and let his hand trail back down. "Fuck, don't stop." Dean moaned. Cas sucked harder, swallowing around Dean ever-leaking dick. Dean's right hand came up and took a hold of Cas' left he trailed it up and stopped it on his hip before pressing on it to stay here. "Hold my hip down, Cas." Cas hesitated. "Stop me thrusting." Cas pushed gently on his hip, pushing him into the bed, which meant Dean could stop concentrating on it and he let out a long moan, he was a precipice and he couldn't get any further. "Can you-" He moaned again. "Can you go faster?"

Cas hummed and started to bob quicker, sucking harder for good measure. Dean let out a load moan and tried to bite his lip as he tipped over the line. "Yeah, like that." Cas felt Dean's fingers tighten in his hair. "Fuck!" Cas looked down to what he was doing and saw Dean's ankles pressing into the mattress. Cas sucked Dean's tip and licked over his slit, the taste flashing stronger before he took as much of Dean as he could in. "Cas, I'm gonna..." Dean moaned and Cas rubbed his thumb on Dean's hips. "You don't have to- _fuck!_" Dean cut himself off without meaning to and Cas sucked harder just to make sure he knew. He could feel it pulsing in his mouth, the heat and sweat pooling together in front Cas' face. Cas had to push harder on Dean's hip as he began to thrust harder, his breathless moans filling the room, and Cas felt the taste turn as he wrapped his tongue around Dean's shaft and pressed before swallowing around it. "_Cas!..._" Dean shouted out, his hips jutting up a little and stilling, his word trailed out to a whisper as he came.

Cas felt it rush out into his mouth and he tried to remember what he knew. Swallow or not. He could decide. Remembering that not would require a trip to the bathroom and he could be caught Cas swallowed, Dean moaned out again as the muscles of Cas' mouth rippled around his cock once more. The taste of salt slowly gathered in his mouth again before it, and Dean's moaning, slowly stopped. It wasn't as full as before and Cas swallowed but in the back of his throat that time. Dean's fingers loosened in his hair and he pulled off of his cock. Dean's left hand fell lazily to the bed and he looked up as Cas lifted his head. He whimpered a little, not pathetically but in his post orgasmic state.

Cas pointed to his mouth and Dean nodded. Cas crawled off the bed,unlocked the door and made for the bathroom. He got in and closed the door letting his mouth fall open, empty. He was a little breathless. What was he doing?

"I'm sorry," Cas looked up to the ceiling as he whispered, "Father. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't." He shook his head. "I know I asked for time to earn my friendship back but..." He bit his lip. "I just can't help myself." He looked to the sink. "Or maybe I don't want to." He sighed. "I'm sorry." He walked to the sink, filled his cupped hands with cold water and splashed his face. He towelled it dry and then opened the bathroom door. He looked back along to where he had left Dean and the walked away towards the main room.

Sam looked up. "Everything alright?" He smiled.

Cas nodded. "Yes, think he needed to calm down."

Sam nodded. "He needs to take some time, release some tension," he looked back to his book, "have some damn fun."

Cas smiled weakly. "Tell me about it." He picked up his book and sat back down.

About five minutes later Cas looked up when Dean walked into the room, a questioning look to Cas who looked back to his book.

Sam looked up. "Hey, so what do we do about these machines and Kevin?"

Dean inhaled understanding but not at the same time. "Charlie." He turned away again, looking to the book on the floor. "Call Charlie."


	21. Chapter 21

For some unknown reason I thought Crowley's hand were strapped to the arms of the chair. I have absolutely no idea why I thought this. I watched a couple of episodes yesterday and I slapped myself wondering how I could have ever thought that. The handcuffs are the whole point. Anyway, I can't be bothered going back and changing it unless it really bothers anyone - life's too short and all that. Just pretend that the handcuffs have a long chain attached to the chair and Sam unlocks that to let Crowley move around. From now on that's what this Crowley will have. I'm such a lazy bastard. And forget the feet shackles. I have no idea where my head was at, prob up my own arse. Anyway, sorry again.

* * *

Sam ran his fingers along the books. It was just him and Cas in the main room and he was waiting. Waiting for him to go.

"I think I'm going to check on Dean." He muttered.

Sam nodded and didn't look away from the books. When Cas rounded the corridor he stuck his head out to see him knock on Dean's door and go in after Dean spoke. He turned back, quietly walked towards the kitchen and went to the cupboard where they kept - Dean shoved - all of the stuff that only Sam used. Salad stuff, the kind that never touched a burger. He bared his teeth when he stretch and felt his fingers curl around the neck. He pulled out one of the bottles of scotch and smiled before standing and quietly walking, cautiously, to the dungeon.

Cas knocked Dean's door and there was a pause before Dean groaned a reply.

Cas walked in and closed the door behind him without taking his eyes from Dean. Dean opened his eyes and, even in the dark, looked at Cas.

"What?" He croaked.

"Are you okay?"

Dean took a beat. "Am I okay?"

"Yeah." Cas nodded.

Dean leaned up on his left elbow, moving his right arm over his body a little. "Are you for real?"

Cas looked to the side. "I always ask you if you are okay after you've slept. Usually your nightmares cause you some-"

"I don't have nightmares, Cas!" Dean shouted.

"I realise they are quite distressing to discuss but-"

"No Cas, I don't have nightmares, I have dreams. Happy little dreams where I cut and am cut. I'm messed up, we've already established that but you are just the biscuit, ain't ya?"

Cas paused. "I don't know what that means."

"Oh," Dean looked to the side, "that's your thing, isn't it? That's your defence. You act like you don't know shit but you do!" Dean hauled himself to sitting on the edge as Cas took a step forward still confused. "Doesn't know about hookers, but knows how to jack off in the shower!" Dean gestured to the door and Cas shifted, looking to the wall in front of him embarrassed and uncomfortable. "Doesn't know what cuming means but knows how to rock a guy's world with a blow job!" Cas' eyes looked back to Dean, tears brimming in his eyes, ignoring the compliment. "Doesn't know why this might be uncomfortable for me but still knows how to make me feel like nothing!"

"Nothing." Cas repeated and Dean looked up. "You think you mean nothing, to me? What we did was _nothing_? Dean," he looked to the ceiling searching for the words, "it was-"

"Fun, I know." Dean finished and ran his hands through his hair.

"You didn't enjoy it?" Cas asked. Dean never answered. "I'm sorry, I was not aware."

"You never are." Dean whispered.

"I apologise, Dean." Cas leaned down a little to look at Dean better. "I had no idea." He turned and walked towards the door, opening it and pausing. Dean looked up. "I had no intention of forcing any of my attentions of you." He walked again.

_Force? No. Shit._ Dean pushed off the bed and followed him.

Sam had walked down to the dungeon and closed the doors behind him. He walked to the doors and opened them. "Room service." He gestured to the bottle and two plastic cups he had. "Extras included."

"Knew you had a brain in that tin shell somewhere, Moose."

Sam raised his eyebrows and put the bottle down before leaning to undo Crowley's neck shackle and his chain. Then he did something that made Crowley pause. He turned his back on Crowley to pull the shelves over. As he turned back Crowley resumed standing and began walking back and forth in the circle. He tried to shake the action. He had undone the chains _before_ turning his back on him. Crowley could have at least attempted to overpower him or put the bottle over his head.

"I'll pour, shall I?" He swiped the bottle from the table and opened it as he walked. "So, hows Willow and Tara?" He gestured to the door.

Sam paused. "Those two were girls."

"So are those two." Crowley rasped as he walked back to the table and poured into two plastic throw away cups.

Sam scoffed. "I don't know what's going on with the girls." Crowley smirked. Sam took his drink and leaned on the table, mulling his scotch over.

"But...?" Crowley watched as Sam looked up at him. "Something happened, what?"

Sam paused. "Nothing." He sighed. "I don't know." He sighed again. "I don't- Look, I saw Dean and Cas coming out of Cas' room. Nothing but boxers."

"So how is that not-"

"Well, they just smiled at each other and walked away."

"Any," Crowley paced again, sipped at his drink in between sentences, "longing glances over their shoulders with trembling lips?"

"Minus the trembling lips." Sam admitted.

Crowley sighed. "They're idiots. Why don't they just tell the truth, it would be a lot quicker."

Sam smiled at him, looked over his left shoulder as Crowley paced that way. "I thought it was disgusting."

Crowley paused. "It is." He walked back and Sam's head followed him. "But if they want it why don't they just say?" Crowley paused standing next to Sam. "You see something," he looked down Sam's body, "you want it," he brought his lips close to his drink, still looking at Sam and it almost made him squirm as his voice lowered to a rough whisper, "you take it. It's common sense." He knocked his drink back and then watched as Sam stood up and walked to the wall in front of him. Away from Crowley. Crowley paused looking ahead before turning on the spot to look at Sam. "Isn't it?"

"Not really." Sam tightened his jaw. "People aren't possessions."

"Don't be so naive. Of course they are." He smirked.

Dean walked out of his room and tried to catch up to Cas as he rounded into the main room, Dean pulled at his arm trying to stop him with whispered please but Cas sighed when he realised Sam wasn't there to save him from the conversation.

"Cas, will you just look at me?" Dean spun him around. "Course I enjoyed it, Cas. Jeez, wasn't I loud enough?" Cas turned to walk away again and Dean followed him. Cas did _not_ want to have this discussion, so he walked in the direction of the kitchen. Where else could Sam be? "Cas, please talk to me." Dean didn't exactly struggle to keep up but there was something in his movements that made his lag behind a bit, as if his entire body was shaking.

"Fine, you don't want to talk to me then listen. It _was_ fun, Cas, it was. But, I don't know, didn't it feel like more than fun to you?" Cas' eyes darted to his left as he walked but he still didn't speak. "Because it did to me and I know I'm probably sounding like an idiot right now. I mean, the world is folding in around us and there's just us three trying to hold it up and everything is so messed up but you are the only person who," Cas stopped in the kitchen and looked around, Sam not here, "understands, you know?" Dean stopped a couple of steps into the kitchen and looked at Cas. "You're always there for me and for Sam, and I mean, I care about you Cas," Cas pushed passed Dean and walked back the way he came, if there was one place in the entire base Dean wouldn't talk it was in the dungeon since Crowley was there, "you might not believe it but I do and I know that you know I have feelings for you because I heard you pray so I know you know and I know what you did and I know what you said about wanting time. Maybe you don't believe that I'm serious or that I actually have a heart," he followed Cas towards the dungeon and pulled him round just outside it, "just give me a chance, Cas." Cas looked at him. "Give me a chance to prove it's more than fun." He whispered. "Tell me it was just fun to you and I'll leave you alone."

Cas looked over his face, the hope in his eyes and then preparation for hurt was something that Cas just wanted to kiss away. He wanted to step towards him and run his hands up through Dean's hair before whispering in his ear that it was more than fun, of course it was. But instead Cas held back any remaining emotion from almost crying earlier and exhaled. "It was more than fun, Dean." He walked down the steps to the dungeon. "But with everything going on," Cas lowered his voice, "and I know you."

Sam and Crowley looked to the shelves at the approaching voices, then Sam looked down at his shadow on the floor, a space between his and Crowley's as it stretched to where the shelves parted. Anyone coming into the room and glancing around, perhaps wondering why the lights were on, would be able to see the shadows. Sam took the steps forward until he was right in Crowley's space, pressing his body right up against the demon's. "Wha-" He started, his cup falling to the ground and Sam put his free right hand over Crowley's mouth briefly and gestured to the shadow. Crowley looked, Sam moving his hand, then realised and looked back to Sam.

He mouthed. 'They don't know you're here?' Sam shook his head. 'Why?' Sam didn't answer.

"Crowley?" Dean asked. "Who you talking to?" Dean had heard Crowley almost speak before Sam had stopped him.

Sam shook his head, eyes widening a little in panic. He was breathless and his hand stayed in between them.

"You, you idiot." Crowley's was looking at Sam, his breathing calming a little from his shock, but his voice was as if he were sitting rolling his eyes at the ceiling. "Wondered what you two were up to."

"Nothing, just looking for a file. Shut up."

Sam shook his head as Crowley seemed to be going to shut up. Crowley wouldn't shut up, not normally, not right away. "Little sensitive, are we? Maybe you should get laid, release some tension." Sam rolled his eyes.

"Shut up!" Dean snarled over his shoulder. Cas went to speak so he stepped forward, putting his hand lightly over Cas' mouth and walking him to the wall behind them, in the corner of the archives. He brought his mouth to Cas' ear and whispered. "I said listen." He nosed at Cas' jawline and he tried not to close his eyes to it. "You think I'm out for myself in this, what I can get?" He looked to Cas who shook his head. "D'you think that I'm not serious, that I'll just use you?" Cas shakily nodded slowly, looking at Dean with apologetic eyes. "I'll prove I'm not." He stood right in Cas' space and cupped his ass, pushing slightly against him. "Will you let me?" Dean asked for consent, knowing that Cas had a tendency to do whatever Dean suggested without much fight. He wanted Cas to want it. Cas paused and then nodded.

Sam and Crowley were standing there, wondering what the hell was going on. Had they left, had they not? They heard something, but it was too quiet to tell what. Crowley shook his head a little in question and Sam shrugged his shoulders. When Crowley looked between them Sam looked down, they were pressed right up against each other and Sam give Crowley a bitch face that said 'don't start'.

'What keeps you warm at night?' Crowley mouthed and Sam narrowed his eyes.

Dean let his hand move from Cas' mouth and then put his index finger over it and 'shh'ed without actually speaking and pointed to where Crowley was sitting, bored as hell and listening. Of course he was.

Dean moved his right hand down to Cas' trousers and rubbed, Cas' breathing became more audible suddenly and he looked panicked. Dean stopped pressing but didn't move his hand, bowed his head, keeping his eyes on Cas. Cas saw the question and shook his head. Dean dragged his hand up to Cas' button and undone it before sliding the zipper down as slow as he could.

The noise still vibrated in the still room and Sam whipped his head in it's direction. He closed his eyes. He knew what was happening, Crowley knew what was happening. He smirked at Sam who pleaded him with his eyes. When Crowley just smiled Sam tensed his face, practically screaming that Crowley would say something any other time.

Crowley sighed and moved his hands up to Sam's chest, touching his shirt with his index fingers enough so that it tickled Sam's skin but no more. "What are you two doing?" Crowley spoke loud enough for Dean and Cas to hear him. "If you're going to shag at least do it upstairs."

Sam pushed Crowley's hand away, making a little rustle of his fabric and Crowley put his two index fingers to his own mouth.

"I said, shut up." Dean aimed away from him then looked back to Cas' face as he dipped his hand inside, his left hand went up to Cas' hair and ran through it gently.

Cas tried to muffle a moan as Dean finally touched his shaft. They had had some 'experiences' now but this was the first time Dean had done that. And he wasn't prepared. Dean didn't still though and instead just silently 'shh'ed him.

Crowley grinned at Sam and mouthed, 'I thought I was the one who was all mouth and no trousers?' Sam looked to the wall and then the floor, Crowley dipped his head to watch him. When Sam looked back it was obvious he had decided that the move was too risky.

Dean dragged his fingernails a little through Cas' hair and watched him bite his bottom lip. He reached out blindly for Dean's crotch and Dean moved it back. "Uh-uh." He leaned into Cas' jawline and began to kiss. "This is about you." He whispered in Cas' ear before kissing again. Slowly he pulled Cas' swollen member from his trousers and underwear which gave him more room to work with. He curled his fingers around the shaft again and felt the muscles in Cas' neck stutter as Dean began to stroke him. He reached out and grabbed Dean's shirt with his left hand as if to anchor himself when the fingers on his right hand dug further into Dean's hips. Dean trailed his nose back up to Cas' ear. "That feel good?" Cas sunk his top teeth into his bottom lip and bit hard, pulling it inward to make sure his lips stayed closed then he nodded. Dean smiled wider tightening his hand ever so slightly causing a small moan to come from Cas before he bit down harder on his lip. Dean's own erection was straining against his jeans and it was all he could do not to rub it on Cas' thigh even just for a moment of relief. Why was this so hot? Seeing Cas lose it at his touch? Seeing Cas _let_ himself lose himself to Dean? Hearing how much Cas was trying not to make a sound? God, those sounds, Dean remembered them well, damn did Dean remember them well. Well, it definitely wasn't that Crowley could probably hear them. The bastard was keeping quiet, probably enjoying it. The creep. "I'm gonna make you cum," Dean whispered and Cas nodded as if that's the only thing he wanted in the world right then, "and after," Dean kissed his cheek steadily picking up his pace, "I want nothing from you." Cas turned his head, opening his eyes, Dean pulled back to look at them.

Fuck.

Dean almost lost his rhythm because dammit they were blown wide and Dean suddenly found himself lost in them. Dean leaned and kissed him, Cas responding enough that moans escaped his lips into Dean's mouth and out the sides. Dean's hot, wet mouth that was almost coaxing the sounds out by it's own work alone. As if the very contact of Dean's lips was making it so that Cas could breathe again.

And stopping the breath of two others. Sam was trying to look away but when Cas moaned a little louder Sam winced. Crowley chuckled a little and the pair outside the dungeon ignored it or just didn't hear it. Sam looked to him. 'Turning you on?' Crowley mouthed.

'What?! No!' Sam mouthed back and looked away taking an inhale. Crowley's eyes moved to the side of Sam's face he could see and then he looked down. Sam was definitely turned on, or at least Crowley hoped so because if that was it soft... He cocked an eyebrow. _Should have got a better deal. _He reached out both of his hands since they were still together in handcuffs and rubbed Sam's erection. Sam immediately reached and grabbed Crowley's offending hand with his own left and the middle link of the handcuffs with the other. They just stared at each other with Cas moaning gently, obviously trying not to, and popping salivia the themetune to this _whatthehell_ moment.

Dean felt Cas tense up, he moved back to look at Cas' face, his eyes dancing yet again looking over the evidence of what he could do. Angel of the Lord. Celestial being. Hunter. God, at one point. But human now and about to come in Dean's hand.

"Go on." Dean spoke, a little louder than before, he didn't care if Crowley heard. He would have heard Dean's hand beating faster and fabric rustling if he hadn't heard the rest, he didn't know how much longer he could go on, his wrist beginning to hurt with the speed he was going at, faster and faster, squeezing a little. _It must be the situation, no one lasts this long without having cleaning the pipes first. Has Cas jerked off since?_ Dean grunted thinking about it. "Cum." He own cock leaked pre-cum and Dean almost whimpered.

Sam and Crowley's eyes widened at each other, Sam's erection deflating almost instantly at the sound of his brother talking.

"Dean." Cas moaned. "I can't-" He bit his lip and his eyes closed. _That was rude_, thought Dean.

"Ignore him." Dean moaned himself and wondered where the hell his composure had gone.

At hearing it Sam let go of Crowley's hands and covered his own ears and Crowley threw his head back as if he was going to laugh until Sam elbowed him, still covering his ears.

Dean moved his face close to Cas, kissed the right side of his lips chastely and Cas failed to chase it as his body started to shake a little. "Cum for me, Cas." He muttered. Cas' hand moved up Dean's back and grabbed in his shirt as the other one did the same to the open front. Dean touched his nosed just at the side of Cas' face, his own voice breathless. "Trust me."

Cas' brow dipped just a bit as if that was the secret password and his back arched faintly and then he thrust a few times into Dean's fist, as he started to cum Dean slowed his movements without stopping the pleasure, tightening his fist to compensate, to make it so the white mess came out slow enough that it spilled down the side of his cock and Dean's hand rather than spurting everywhere.

"Dean..." Cas moaned and Dean bared his teeth a little as his tongue came out to wet his dry bottom lip. He hadn't realised just how heavy he had been breathing. Cas stopped thrusting slowly and Dean's movements halted once he was sure Cas was finished.

Crowley put a cut motion to his neck and Sam gave him a distrusting look and he rolled his eyes.

Dean pulled his left hand out of Cas' hair that he didn't even realise he had been pulling and used it to hold Cas' boxers away from his skin before wiping his hand on it. He then let it go slowly knowing it was a horrible feeling when the mess touched the fabric and spread out in the hair.

"You alright?" Dean asked quietly, Sam's hands lowered hesitantly.

"No I'm bloody not!" Crowley shouted knowing he'd usually say something and he turned to Sam and they actually shared a smile.

"I told you to shut up!" Dean shot over his shoulder then turned back to Cas who was getting his breath back and trying to pry his hands away from Dean's shirt. "You should probably shower." Cas nodded and made to walk but Dean leaned forward and kissed him first. Cas responded weakly to it, letting the tip of the fingers on his left hand touch Dean's jaw before Dean pulled back and smiled.

Cas smiled too and then proceeded to walk, a little like new-born Bambi at first, towards the stairs.

"Can _I_ shower?" Crowley said loudly and Sam widened his eyes and nodded in agreement, he felt dirty too.

"Do you know what?" Dean stormed towards the shelves, Sam grabbed the things on the table and Crowley bent to pick up the cup that fell before shoving it at Sam, Dean was making so much noise pulling the shelf he didn't notice the scrape as Crowley ran around the table and sat down, pulling the neck brace over and clicking it closed. Sam ducked back to the corner on the wall Dean was now entering from, holding the cups and scotch hoping against all hope he wouldn't be caught. One, he was in there and pretending he wasn't, and two, he had just listened to... whatever the hell that was. Crowley looked up to Dean with almost casual interest laced with disgust. "I told you to shut up!" Dean walked forward, his hand still felt wet and he was still very much aroused but dammit if he didn't need to shout at him. He discretely wiped his hand on the back of his pants.

"You just tossed off a former angel in the same room while I had no choice but to listen, I feel violated!" He shouted back, in the way that Crowley does without really shouting, just showing his annoyance.

"Prove it." Dean took a step inside the room and Sam suddenly wished he were smaller. Tiny. Non-existent, in fact.

"I think your angel might be freaking out." Crowley offered, in a little panic, over Dean's shoulder.

"What, why would he panic?" Dean squinted to look at Crowley confused.

"Because a former Angel of the Lord was basically just pinned to the wall by a human and stayed there willingly while he was tossed off. Might be a little bit of an experience for him."

Dean smirked. "Yeah, because we haven't done anything before." He winked and turned around before turning back to Crowley with his hands on the shelf. "Well, hope that was something to get you through the lonely nights, Fergie." Crowley's jaw tightened. "I know it'll keep me warm." He pushed the shelf back over but neither moved until the lights went out.

Dean stood by the switch. Cas hadn't turned them on, had he? He couldn't remember him flicking them. But he must have. Or Sam left them on the last time he was down there. That must be it. He shook his head and kept climbing.


End file.
